Piss Mist, Silence Teaches Us To Sing, Future Follies

No fun not ever.

Fuck it has been a long time once again. I remember once saying I was going to try and do this every other week but maybe once a month is more realistic. No one reads this garbage anyways so I am really just talking to myself. On the subject of garbage I am in the middle of trying to move out of my current domicile and I am basically waste deep in refuse everyday now. I am currently avoiding my room since I bleached down my bed which has now reacted with the ammonia in the numerous cat piss areas (and one late night accident from yours truly) and my eyes and throat were burning. So now I am in my living room listening to the rain and silence of an empty home waiting for the bleach to dry.

My post-tour stasis.

In the time since my last post, Ruined went on a 5 day tour through The Rust Belt with Planning for Burial. We had a lot of fun for the most part barring a couple of shows that were essentially empty rooms that we were filling with our gloom. Every show with Planning for Burial was great though and I hope to do it again someday. I feel as though only now are we beginning to get the slightest bit of momentum and yet I feel impeded in some ways. Whenever I get home from a tour it is always bitter sweet. I would say 80% bitter to 20% sweet. I basically wallow behind a feigning veil of normalcy until I am beaten back into my routines. Most people try and talk me out of making more tour plans and the it is good to have those voices of reason to keep me on track. But at the same time there is a million reasons not to do something and the greatest events of my life only happened because I essentially ignored the advice of most everyone around me. If I had my druthers, I would tour for at least two weeks every two months and that is only because of how broke I am. I know it's not for everyone but to me that is the spice of life, the thing that gives all the shit in my life meaning and makes it worthwhile. So essentially what I am getting at is that I want to keep a level head and be smart about my decisions, but basically I am going to tell everyone to fuck off who tries to talk me out of doing something with my music. I wouldn't want to be an asshole to people who obviously are being considerate of my well being but I am no longer going to drag my feet about these kinds of things. Ruined has an actual decently recorded release and I want to push it and get it out there the best I can. It's no longer just me jerking off stale-fish in my room putting out demos and shying away from promoting anything. I want to get in the pit and try to gloom someone.

I made this documentary. Audio is kind of shitty but whatever.

God Hates Us All.

D.I.Y. or Die.

On that subject if anyone is interested in purchasing our latest tape, "Hunter's Premonition," you can order it through Glowing Window Recordings HERE. It comes with a digital download code and as of right now is the best way to acquire the music. As far as future plans Ruined is playing our first show in Kalamazoo on June 18th which will be our last show until August as Sky will be in Europe for July. I may be doing some weird solo set in late July but I'm not sure yet. I am currently booking another short 3 day tour in August which hopefully will be in Milwaukee, WI - Minneapolis, MO - and Chicago, IL. I have a solid lead for Minneapolis and a decent one for Chicago but if anyone could offer help for any of these shows please contact me at ruinedbandmi@gmail.com. Stay Gloomy.

Slow March To Burial, Musicianship: Grievance In Motion, Stone Cold Update

Cyclops = March

It's March again. I decided a long time ago that March is my least favorite month of the year. I usually consider myself to be a fall/winter kind of guy more than a spring/summer. Any season that causes more sorrow than hope is alright by me. But for those of you who don't live in Michigan or the great white North our winters tend to push far into our other seasons. So I start to get burnt out with all the frigid wind and window scraping around this time. March is just a shitty ass month where it is close enough to spring to make you look forward but far enough away that it just pisses you the fuck off. The first day of spring is in March but that means dick up here. The closest I have ever come to being in a car accident was when I was 17 and I spun out during a sleet storm and it was the middle of April. Pretty much the only good March I have ever had was when I was in Europe. Three years ago today I was in Madrid, Spain having the time of my life. I should really start writing in my journal again so I can document all the stuff I don't do these days.

Their dates make more sense. Day/Month/Year.

Fuck this is depressing me to watch.

I need to go back.

It isn't all bad news though. I do have a few things on the horizon to look forward to. One thing in particular has me pretty jazzed but I am waiting until all our ducks are in a row before I announce it. I have this habitual nature about me that I get too far ahead of myself. But I also feel that most people don't get ahead of themselves at all. And they don't take any risks or ever run head first into the mist. I was having a talk the other day about being a musician and what that entails. The unfortunate imbalance that happens usually is that your bank account will always be plundered by passion. Most people can't imagine being broke as fuck and simultaneously be planning a road trip at the same time. I would say unequivocally that the average "musician" is not cut out for it and they are too terrified of not playing things safe. But really is that the way you would want it? Would you want to only play shows within a 50 mile radius of where you live and have the record executive happen to show up and sign you on the spot? Where's the fucking fun in that? We all see it happen, where people get handed all the right trappings for doing the wrong deeds. I don't even think they realize what a simple journey they had to go on to obtain their fame. I have said it a million times on here before but I believe that life is about having a wealth of experiences and not fiscal worth. I would rather spend 5 years playing only sewage treatment plant basements and have all the shit filled memories than miss out on them. My main point I was getting at is all to often I believe people try to cripple passionate people for whatever their reasons. Usually they just don't understand the concept of being broke all the time. They need that security and that financial barrier in order to sleep at night. Meanwhile 30 years from now they'll look back and wonder what the fuck they did with their lives while I'll hopefully be on my 37th world shit depository tour "Open Up The Shit Pit Tour 2045." As a musician I rely heavily on the favors of others (booking shows, letting us sleep on their floor, feeding us etc.) And I have come to realize I need to reach out more to people to show my gratitude for these favors. But all in all if you know someone who is passionate about something I implore you to show them support the best you can and think twice before you try and make them feel bad about themselves. If their ambivalence to fiscal responsibilities annoys you so much just remember that they probably sleep on concrete floors and eat lint regularly. It's punishment enough.  

Get this pumped.

Onto the insipid Ruined update you all look forward to. It does feel good to have actual things to talk about now. I feel like this will be a good year for Ruined. I haven't even done an update since we hit the studio I realize. Overall the studio experience was great. We recorded at Amber Lit Audio here in Grand Rapids and it is a really great place to record. It is right on the Grand River next to a train bridge. You can almost smell the rotting crust kid flesh it's that close. We tracked everything live aside from the vocals and I was mystified by the sounds we captured with both the bass and the drums. All the recordings we have had so far was just me alone in my room dicking around with a hand recorder. My bass was muddy and it took a lot of work to make it sound even that shitty. But now before we did any mixing it already had that ethereal effervescence while still maintaining the seismic bellow of my live sound. We got together two days ago and did a quick mix of one of the songs we recorded "Some Years Don't Matter." To the 7 fans we have you will recognize 2 out of the 4 songs we recorded and I hope you'll enjoy the deja vu. But otherwise we should be receiving our first mixes within the week and then I can begin the ritual of listening to them over and over again for several hours everyday. I will keep you all abreast of our progress as it happens. Until then, Stay Gloomy.  

Demon Finale, Reaching Around, Déjà Vu And Fuck You Too

If only...

As often times happen, I don't really have a direction with this again today. I am hungry, out of coffee and my desk is brimming with shit. I am also feeling kind of anxious and overwhelmed. There is so much that I WANT to do and only so much that I CAN do. I suppose that is a pretty typical situation people find themselves in but it honks big time. All week I toil and strive in anticipation of having a day off and when I finally do I spend it whining on here and watching Netflix. The first season of Diablo 3 ends in a few days to so I need to level cap my Demonhunter on there if I want the exclusive trans-mogs. Shit, I guess I actually have a lot to get done today so I should probably make this quick.

This just felt right. 

Recently I have had a small internal conflict. I have been feeling a pull to become more involved in my local music scene. Because realistically, I am pretty much one of those people who complains about how shitty things are and then does absolutely Jack-shit about it. That being said, it is difficult to promote change within a scene when: A. You do not posses any resources within that scene to "demand" change, (vis-à-vis you do not own a tangible space where events could take place or have the social currency to draw in favors from your community; meaning you're not "cool" enough to be paid attention to.) B. You have very little interest in the interests of others that conflict or pale in your opinion to your own agenda. Speaking for myself, I am a misanthrope plain and simple. I just flat out do not put importance on what most people are passionate about. There are exceptions of course. For example: Music. I think music is great and I know a lot of other people feel the same way in my general vicinity. That being said, music is very cultural. Even within the small scene we have in Grand Rapids, it is pretty much like anywhere else. It's fragmented and essentially if you're not doing the "thing" that everyone is digging at the time then your shit out of luck and jolly well fucked. None of what I am saying is news to anyone, most people would either agree or at least relate to what I'm saying in this community and abroad. But let's go back 4 years. When I first moved into the city limits of Grand Rapids and started going to shows a lot more often there was a great sense of comradery. I could go over to the house show of punks, art kids, stoners, metalheads, or twinkly emo's and felt no borders. People moved, venues closed and shit got fucky. It happens. But having experienced it once in my life I have no doubt that music can be fun again in this city. I don't have the answers on how to attain this, and I have a feeling the people calling the shots right now are just as full of shit as any other person on the planet. So for myself this is a difficult path to take. I feel that it is only fair to contribute to a scene that has/(hopefully will) support my own music and endeavors. But I also feel that myself and other loser fuckheads who happen to live here will be ignored. Realistically not everyone is going to get what they want and in fact it will be far from what a good chunk of people will want. The fleeting and negligible topics will most likely take precedence and the rest will go down the shitter. But that doesn't mean people shouldn't at least try to change things even if it is futile. All I can say is God Hates Us All and we should shoot from the belt with that in mind. That made no sense. Fuck it, do it live.

"Got no good plans but a good idea, 

Let's put this town in my rearview mirror. 

Yeah, I got enemies, (fuck em') but they don't know. 

They won't get no glory on that side of the hole."

A feeling I know all too well.

On this same subject, I have to vent about something. For the purpose of anonymity I am going to be mildly vague so I apologize if the following seems confusing. But I have always done my best not to be someone who just shits all over everything out of anger and I want to be reasonable. This is something that has bothered me for a long time, but moments ago another example of it just came to light. I would like to preface this by saying that I know that everything creative has already been done and no idea is ever truly original anymore. I don't consider myself to be a creator of great thoughts but perhaps I maybe rejuvenate things that better people than myself developed long ago. But I want to talk a minute about plagiarism. Over the last few years I have had a couple of ideas that I shared with fellow musicians and I got burned. I was just talking last night about a song title that Ruined has that was originally called a different name. I had to change it because when I shared a rough demo version with another musician, about two months later they released an album with that same song title on it. It sounded nothing like my song and as I said I know that I don't make these words up in my room when I am not slaying demons or looking up pedal reviews. But alas I would look like a turd if I then released that same song titled as is especially since we were vaguely within that same genre of music. I would look like the fraud, despite the fact that we both would know I would not be. And it has happened yet again. But as I was talking about above, I am not cool. I am not a voice to be considerate of. If it's my uncool word against someone's cool word then I am fucked and have to deal with it. I am sick of it, and people wonder why I hate everyone. I'm done with it. Stay gloomy and fuck everyone.

P.S. I wrote the above segment several hours ago when I was feeling a sense of enmity. Since then the situation has been for the most part resolved and I have let the majority of my anger go. But I consider writing both a hobby and a catharsis so I decided to leave it the way it was not out of passive aggression but simply as a documentation of a moment in time. God Hates Us All. 

P.S.3. H the B, You Got Gaze In My Shoe-Butter!, Finish Them

Playing Tony Hawk on New Years.
This is my demon face.

I got a PS3 the other week and believe it or not I have been getting out of my room a lot lately. Out of the frying pan and into the dog smelling living room one might say. I once again have been really get back in touch with my nerd roots. Though I consider myself a PC gamer till the day I die, (Note to self: "True Till CPU" throat tattoo? Mull over this more later...) I do enjoy reclaiming my con-"soul" if you will. I used to play console when I was a wee lad back in the potato fields of Conklin long before I had a computer of my own. First we got a Sega Genesis, then a Playstation, then a Playstation 2 and that's pretty much where I have been sitting for oh I don't know the last 13 years or so. Despite a new shinier PS4 being on the market now, I am thrilled to finally have a PS3 of my own. And I am sure that by the time I get burnt out on the PS3 games I have, the PS5 will by coming out making the egregious price of the PS4 fall from it's pinnacle into the depths of lower middle class affordability. Like insatiable demons we will claw ravenously at it's molded carapace and absorb it's visceral power. Until then, we shall lie in wait at the edge of the woods before the gilded fortress of yuppie larvae who's parent's can afford next-gen systems.

Game without shame.

This sums up our current
musical environment.

I got into a conversation yesterday about music. More specifically about the "shoegaze" revival that appears to be happening/has been happening the last few years. I noticed a few people in my feed on my various social networking sites complaining about having less shoegaze bands in the coming year. In a lot of ways I agree with them and like any genre of music it all comes back every few years as each wave of bands who were inspired by the last wave come washing over us all as a raging unstoppable plague. I am more interested in this because I have been playing in shoegaze bands since I was 18 years old. I would say only one of them was a more typical vision of what shoegaze is, (we were called Procession, check it out HERE if you are unfamiliar.) And I have no doubt that had we continued to carry the shoegaze flag into battle years ago we would probably be at least a semi-recognizable band right now. We would probably be touring regularly with many of the typical shoegaze bands you all here about these days. And who knows, that could still come to fruition some day but for now that seems unlikely. But I have been hugely influenced by shoegaze and I think that is apparent in the music I write. So I don't really want to feel guilty or like a poser for pulling some shoegaze out of my toolbox from time to time especially since I have been sharpening my shoegaze blade for almost a decade now. That being said, I think the label shoegaze and indeed many music taxonomies cover a very broad and at times vague description of what a band sounds like. And to anyone who hates "Labels" and think their "Music transcends any Earthly characterization" then you can just blow it out your ass. Personally I love hearing what people think a band "is." The way a person experiences a piece of music is completely unique to that person and that moment in time. Where this rant is heading is essentially to say that though I have a deep appreciation of shoegaze music I think each person who loves it needs to take that passion and mold it into something unique in their own music. RUINED for example, I call us a gloomgaze band because to me that sums it up in a vague way that other people can take or leave. It's also a classification that doesn't have a strong tangible interpretation yet. But when I use hashtags or whatever the fuck those things are with things like #shoegaze, #gloomgaze, #bleak metal, etc. I am using them the way they should be used, an ambiguous umbrella terminology that people who have little, some or a lot of musical experience can interpret and make a judgement call on whether we are worth listening to or caring about. All in all, my point people need to worry less about what these labels mean and take them in stride. But believe me, I am sick of hearing about it too. Most modern bands called shoegaze are garbage and over embellished turds. And so if you think I'm a poser calling my band shoegaze I'll understand that. And if I sit in your lap and shit on you don't take it personal. God hates us all.

Maybe he wouldn't be selfish...

As always I am burnt out again. I have no good ending to this and I just want to go master fatalities in Mortal Kombat. But if Mortal Kombat was real, who would you want to be? I feel like you can tell a lot about a person depending on the character they would want to be in Mortal Kombat. Like if a guy would want to be Sub-Zero they might be a selfish lover. And if they want to be Scorpion that person would be so needy and overbearing constantly wanting you to "GET OVER HERE!!!!" I don't know who I would be, I like Kenshi a lot though. It would not be very cool to be blind but having telekinetic powers would be cool. And his martial arts style is Tai Chi so you know he is probably a nice well rounded person. I don't know, something to think about when you are going to bed tonight. Don't stay up too late though, Shao Kahn isn't going to defeat himself. I am really coo. Stay gloomy. 

100 Shit Nuggets, Won By Walking, Party Like It's...

This was me two years ago.
My shirt says "Animal Liberation" and
I was trying to liberate a lion from a statue.
I was really coo.

Believe it or not this is my 100th post that I have made to this blog. It has been a little over 2 years of rants and trivial observations. Hard to believe I had that much to say especially since little has changed in my life since I began this blog. I still for the most part am either at work or sitting in my room escaping through RPG's or practicing bass. Which if anything that is one of the biggest progressions I have made in my life. I have explored many of the various methods of bass technique and I am glad I never settled onto any one specific specialization. Chronologically I have been in all kinds of bands whose genres are included but not limited to: nu metal, funk metal, noise rock, post-punk, post-rock, post-metal, dark shoegaze, indie-pop shoegaze, power violence, hardcore, bleak metal, drone and all other musical taxonomies that no one knows what the fuck they mean. Though I have gained a lot of knowledge and experience from playing all these different styles they all accumulated to develop my own brand of "mastery" if you could call it such a thing. But writing in this blog has also been a developmental process for me. Though I don't consider writing a passion, I would say it is a hobby of mine that I enjoy. I also find it to be a catharsis within the symbiotic relationship I have with expression and music/writing. I hope that most of you have that elemental aspect of your life that makes it worthwhile. If not, seek it out at all costs. Be a broke asshole like me and whine on the internet every week. It's really coo.

Words to live by.

On the subject of whining and expression, I was reading some Friedrich Nietzsche the other day as every misanthrope does. But I read an interesting segment of his work titled "Homer's Contest" that I would like to extrapolate upon. One of the things I love about Nietzsche is that he is really fun to read and is seldom boring. There is a charm to his writing that few philosophers, (let alone writers,) can emulate with such allure. But often times he will generalize an entire culture or race of people by using an interesting perspective such as, "So far no one has had enough courage and intelligence to reveal me to my dear Germans." To me, this was his way of primarily grouping the philosophers and leading thinkers in these regions more so than making a generalization about the average person on the street. Which as a philosopher/thinker (and a German) it was important that he divorce himself from that identity in order to make his claims and observations seem relevant. Now stay with me here, I will try not to fill your eyes with scholarly feces that will infect your ocular cavity until you develop two symmetrical anus' and you from now on poop out of you face orifices. But in "Homer's Contest" Nietzsche talks about the Greeks and their ancient theologies. How in ancient times Greek culture was seen as the pinnacle of humanity that all other compare themselves to. I won't blab on and on about all the different facets of this piece, but one of the most interesting points he made was that Greeks saw life as a contest. Whether it was war, athletics or even art and expression. It is easy to see the contest in war and athletics but I never really thought about the reason a human would engage in art would be out of contest with others. I have certainly seen some real turd sandwiches walking around who think that they can shit onto a canvas and that makes them an artist. I see the dominate ego at work when I see those types of people. And the more I expound on this and my own culture of musicianship I do find myself more and more seeing most musicians as apocryphal. Though I see expression as an internal spurring and fluid response to the ethereal and intangible, I do see how many people do the right things for the wrong reasons. And the worst part of all of this is I know that many people have so much they want to express and feel that crushing desire to unleash their own potential but they have no ability or pathway to make it happen.  They have no musical or artistic background and the odds are stacked against them to acquire the skills needed to accomplish any ground in the matter. I am so grateful that I spent my teen years honing my own skills instead of engaging in fleeting social dogma. My final point with this is I guess we all need to constantly challenge our own egos. It's whisper is seldom beneficial or encouraging.  Jealousy, envy and hatred are it's weapons and we must disarm ourselves of these tools before they destroy us. Nietzsche uses the example of Miltiades; so obsessed with contest and fame he becomes a vengeful spirit against himself. "To satisfy this craving he misuses fame, state property and civic honor--and dishonors himself...An ignominious death sets its seal on his brilliant heroic career and darkens it for all posterity. The envy of the heavenly powers seized him. And this divine envy is inflamed when it beholds a human being without rival, unopposed, on a solitary peak of fame. Only the gods are beside him now--and therefore they are against him. They seduce him to a deed of hybris, and under it he collapses."

Always relevant.

Keep the faith.

Once again, I ranted for WAY TOO FUCKING LONG!!!! Holy fuck I am so sorry about that. Every time I sit down to do this I tell myself, "Zach, no one gives a fuck. Just make a couple of poo poo jokes and then get the fuck off and play Sim City." Sadly I get pensive and all the people around me do their best to accommodate my rants but they can only handle so much. I salute them for their service and they hold a high honor in my maggot infested heart. Speaking of the maggot army, let me just hit you all with a small Ruined update and then I will finally fuck off. I talk about our plans a lot on here but believe it or not they change drastically almost on a weekly basis. This is due to financially instability, opportunity knocks and of course the fact that I am an impulsive idiot. So this is the maggot game plan as it stands right now. We are saving a little bit of money to hit a studio sometime in February, March at the latest. We are going to record three songs, two of which will end up on a most likely unreleased demo that we plan to send to labels. The third song will be on a split with one of my ole git pals from jolly ole England named Dean and his project KNIFEDOUTOFEXISTENCE. We are hoping to make this a 7 inch hence the search for a label cause vinyl is not fucking cheap. Other than that of course we are still waiting to get tax return money and then buy a van and finally envelop the land in gloom. Rivers will overflow with the tears of the innocent and it will snow sadness forever and ever till the end of time. You know that ole chestnut. Until then, stay gloomy.

Welcome To Cell, Permanent Changes In Consciousness, Planning For Pluvial

I talk about people I hate a lot on here as you all know. Whether it's yuppies, cops or other vegan straight edge fuckheads we have a little bit of everything for everyone on here. But even last night I had a moment where I thought about how great it is that I hate so many people. Because the more people I hate, the more exclusive my circle of friends becomes and the more I love and cherish the moments I have with them. Well, I guess it's becoming more like a triangle of friends...or a better analogy would be an organism's cell of friendship. You have myself as the gloomy pissant nucleus, and then you have the great people who accept me who are the mitochondrion, a few ribosome acquaintances and then everyone has a few of those cumbersome endoplasmic reticulum. Don't get me started on those fuckers. But all in all, though I do worry or ponder about lost friendships that I once had I am probably at my most comfortable social center that  I have ever been in my entire life.

I am really lucky to have great co-workers too. You know what's crazy? I work at a typical capitalist establishment and yet no one at my work ever says the words "bitch" or "fag" ever. You know how great that is? I don't have a single person at my work that I have to be in my head saying, "Great, here comes Fucky McShithammer..." That has a huge impact on going in there everyday. I would probably be insane by now if it were any different. It's really fucked up that people have to go to work everyday and work in a social environment that they despise on top of having to do menial shit that holds them back from making personal progress. As I said if I had both of those things happening simultaneously and having to listen to these fucking mouth breather consumers everyday I would most likely scream "SERENITY NOW!" and run through the woods naked until wild dogs caught up with my and ate me alive. Perhaps that day still has yet to come. C'est la vie.      

Speaking of shitty misogynistic and homophobic language, I have been seeing a lot of posts online lately about feminism and what it means to be feminist. Over the years I have gathered my thoughts on the subject and have attempted to forge my own perspective. I still am learning more and more everyday and trying to keep myself open to new and fascinating facets of this movement. But for starters, I do not consider myself a feminist. Not because I would be ashamed of that sobriquet, but I feel that as a male bodied person there will always be a part of the movement that I could never be accepted into for the simple fact of my biological capacity. I could never fully understand the physical and emotional aspects of being a true feminist and I accept that and I leave my ego out of it the best I can. At best I consider myself to be a feminist ally but even that I am apprehensive to claim. Firstly, I fucking hate men. I think men are truly the manifestations of evil on Earth and if they were all chained to walls and used simply for procreation it would be more than they deserve. I know that is not what the feminist movement is about so I don't really think I am upholding the true ideals of the movement and I could be considered a hindrance. Secondly, for years I have had a lot of respect for powerful woman and I have had immense admiration for the courage of transgender people and their own movement. I felt small compared to them, as a person who had identified since birth as the gender I was assigned I really had no battles to fight. At best I felt as though I could only reach out to other men and try to expose them to the things I had learned over the last few years. But I have recently realized that the more I learned about these movements and the atrocities that  men have committed over the centuries that I was divorcing myself little by little from my previous male identity. I have no interest in what male culture has to offer in this country and what little characteristics of male identity I do still maintain I look at them more with disdain than acceptance. The point I am trying to reach is within myself and the way I perceive myself is more complex than I would have imagined a few short years ago. Though I think it beckons further reflection and I don't think I can put it in a simple category, I suppose I would say that the best explanation I can offer is that I identify as gender neutral. I don't expect anyone to really adjust their pronouns or anything around me, for I do still project primarily "male" idiosyncrasies. And my intention is not to alienate others or to have others pander to my personal perception. But realistically, I don't really give a fuck about other peoples thoughts on me. And though this is a public document it is still mostly a place where I gather my thoughts. My main point of this chunk of my rant is that I feel more comfortable identifying as a feminist ally when I accept the fact that I no longer identify as a man, and that I still feel I could reach out to others from my position of privilege in order to expose them to new knowledge. And that I still think that people who do identify as men but also regard themselves feminist should consider being allies instead. Because realistically, equality will be unobtainable as long as your ego thinks that you are privy to any and all things and you are unable to realize that male privilege is blocking your ability to truly help out. Let the girls have the room, you've had your turn.

Us in the studio.

Now that the soapbox has broken beneath my feet, let's talk about some fun Ruined shit! Yay! Last week I updated you millions of people who read this blog about some recent changes happening in the Ruined camp. Essentially we are holding off on our full length for a bit and we are going to put out some different stuff. Now last week I said we are going to be putting out a demo with two old songs and one new song. As always, I talk way too quickly about shit and I change my mind about 20 minutes later. Our plan is now this. We are going to do a two song demo that may or may not be released publicly. It will primarily be used to send into record labels to get some more attention and hopefully bag us someone willing to put out our full length and future releases. This will be a great stepping stone to the relentless touring we are going to be doing. I have plans to at least personally be on the road once every 3 months if it can be helped financially and mechanically. But we are also going to be doing a split with my good pal Dean over in jolly ole England with his project KNIFEDOUTOFEXISTENCE. It will most likely be two brand new songs, one of which we are putting the final touches on and I have a brand new one I started working on the other night that I think would do nice on that split. To say the least, the Ruined beast is awakening and it's coming to a town near you. Get ready for the rain. Stay gloomy. 

Northern Blights, Natural Speculation, (sic) And Tired Of Being A Nobody

Wealthy St. a week ago.

Been a while since I have posted anything on here. To be honest I think I have been too cold and shitty feeling to whine about anything else. Michigan got pelted with snow early this year and we actually had the snowiest November in Grand Rapid's history last set in 1895. So I could quite possibly be dead in the frozen Michigan earth before we see another November that was this encapsulated by the frigid hand of death. People can say what they want about living in the North, but it sure as fuck builds character. I'm sure hellish heat builds some character too but there is something special about that Northern character. It's brooding, barbarous and vicious. Unless you're a yuppie who goes from point A to B without ever having to scrape a windshield or shovel a sidewalk then you are JUST FUCKING DANDY!!!!! You may think that you have escaped the nefarious nature of the world outside your privileged bubble but if you come into contact with me or any of my associates we will make sure to shit all over your day. Fucking yup-trucks. Fuck em' all, fuck their world, fuck everything that they stand for.

Been drinking deep from the

maggot mountain springs again. 

Fern Gully was the most natural
thing I could think of. That pixie was
self actualized as fuck.

On the topic of nature, the other day I had a rather expansive conversation on the subject of human emotion and our place within nature. The subject of what is considered "natural" has always been something I have personally been fascinated with. I dabbled with the naturalist philosophies, specifically that of Alan Watts among others. He believed that human beings were just as much a part of nature as anything else and that we should strive to reconnect with what we have lost from our journey out of the woods. He once said "You and I are all as much continuous with the physical universe as a wave is continuous with the ocean." But as humans we like to think we have achieved some sort of permanence away from the natural order of things. By developing a stronger sense of reason and perhaps some intellectual prowess we have achieved some astounding things. But what we fail to realize is that we have barely made it out of the jungle. And in my opinion, in some ways I think we were never meant to get very far to begin with. I also read about the psychologist Abraham Maslow who developed a hierarchy of needs. He was a theorist who wrote a lot about the motivation of humans and what we all need to take care of in our lives in order to become fully self actualized people. But he believed that human needs went in order of: Physiological Needs, Safety, Intimacy, Esteem and then Self Actualization. I think it is interesting that intimacy is the very first need we strive for after our most basic essentials. The specific subject I was discussing about was the emotional toll that sex can have between people. And while I believe that emotions cannot be disregarded in that situation, it is imperative that we strive to reach a point of maturity where we are able to categorize our experiences whether they are sexual or not. With thousands of years of biological wiring telling us to pursue sexual intimacy it would be naive to believe that were were meant to ignore these manifestations of our essential human needs. I know that this was a bunch of college gibbery joo that no one probably gives a fuck about. But the point I was making is that sex can be a fleeting and vapid endeavor if you approach it with a misaligned perception. But it can also be a fruitful endeavor and an opportunity for personal growth if you seek your full potential. “A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be” - Abraham Maslow

Alright enough intellectual fucking bullshit. Let's talk about some more shit that pisses this Conklin boy right the fuck off. As a musician, I pretty much plan 99% of the time to never break even and I will always be a poor fuck-bag who has to eek his way through life forever. Also I have said this a lot but I really don't get pissed if no one buys my bands shit. If I played a fun show and had my catharsis if somebody buys my band's shit it is just vegan gravy. But I get really fucking pissed when I drag my band's shit to a gig and there is a fucking distro there. Now hold on a damn second don't pull out the DIY dagger and gore this maggot. I have a love/hate relationship with distros I should say. In some ways I think it's cool that someone who maybe doesn't play music can still participate in the local scene and I also know that distros will often times carry local/touring DIY bands merch. But let's be realistic, if a distro does buy a DIY band's shit they are most likely a band that at least some people give a shit about. So essentially, if I am in the shitty band that no one cares about (yet?) then a distro is just a gallows where I could have left my mark on a city. No one is going to spend the 7 bucks they have in their pocket to buy my band's tape if the distro has Captain Fuck-Hammer and the Trench Taint's latest 7 inch, "Step-Dad Genocide." Then I say to myself, "Well Zach, you just have to bring the fucking thunder tonight and make those kids NEED to own your shitty tape." So I end up rocking so hard that I puke blood and maybe 3 emo kids think it's okay but unfortunately they already spent their allowance on the debut release from The World Is A Shit Hole And Yet I Can't Find A Good Place To Take A Dump. Alright, I'm done. Stay Gloomy.

True Gloom.

Pickles The Bummer, Dan and Thom Reunited By Fate, Seek The Unsought

My emotional state the last few days.

I have just begun pulling myself out of a recent funk. For some reason the last 4 or 5 days I have had a listless and anxious feeling at the same time. I can't exactly put my finger on what was bothering me. I was having strange dreams and a sense of dread followed me wherever I went. I am constantly having to remind myself to encourage my other hobbies and interests that aren't music. Such as reading books, working out or just doing things that I don't normally do. Overall I had a great sense of neurosis, which I have learned is a guiding light in my life. It is a connection to my unconscious; a missive that reminds me that my life is out of balance. I believe that my maladies have been laid to rest for now with a stirring of my cerebral semblance. My dejection stems from a relentless criticality that haunts and galvanizes me since as long as I can remember. Which is why I can never go to shows that I don't play at. I went to see This Will Destroy You last week and it was cool. But I would say that my despondency began the night of that show. I have a great sense of joy while watching the show but also a strong sense of sadness wishing I could be doing what they are doing. People have always told me I am fucking stupid for feeling that way and that I should just go see my friends bands and be supportive and blah blah blah fuck you no cheers. Which in principle I agree and I often times wish I could overcome my own hang ups and just go have fun. But then I remember that God hates us all and No Fun Not Ever.

Great record.

Thom and Dan interview in it's purest form.

Which speaking of No Fun Not Ever, I listened to "Deathconciousness" by Have A Nice Life and "Desideratum" by Planning for Burial at work today and I finally was able to listen to the maiden broadcast of the first Legrand Society podcast by Enemies List Home Recordings when I got home. Dan Barrett of Have A Nice Life interviews Thom Wasluck of Planning For Burial and it was a lot of fun to listen to. There was a few parts that really struck a harmony with me, the first one was when they were talking about sets going shitty and coming off the stage and being able to face the compliments of others. This is something I have struggled with a lot and I have had multiple people tell me that I need to cut it out. In summation they were basically saying that 9 times out of 10 most people never would notice if your set went badly, and that if they approach you after a show and say "Great set!" and you respond with "Fuck you shit-shark. Get some new fucking ears." You essentially do two things: You manipulate their perception and memory of your set even if they loved it, and you in essence are calling them a fucking idiot who has no taste. Which so far I would say that at least 1/3 of the people who talk to me after a show have no fucking clue what they just saw and are just sort of conforming to social norms. Which I still appreciate that they took the time to approach me and let me know it was cool to watch. But I don't sense that I had any genuine affect on their life in any real way. Which is very subjective and I have no way of knowing how piercing or temporal any interaction can be. But at the same time, I don't think I am behooving anyone by shitting on my own set. I should try to be more neutral about my emotions if a set did go shitty but it really is tough.

So true.

Now enough introspective reflection, I think it's time I just complain about some shit that bugged me the other day. I have been noticing a transference of people seeking wisdom from their peers in the form of anonymous messaging via Tumblr or some other social networking. The anonymous option when messaging people to me is a dangerous veil. Because to me, if I can't contact someone without hiding behind a shroud of anonymity then I probably shouldn't be saying what I am saying. That reveals that my tidings are venomous and abhorrent. Which I'm sure we have all seen posts like this and have been disturbed. But I am also really annoyed that I see people all the time asking other people anonymously about life advice or guidance. Which normally these people are trying to find affirmation from people they find attractive but from behind a creepy curtain and distant scope. And now these sages of modern times are completely oblivious and are the definition of narcissistic necessity. They have no concern for these people and their adulation is merely a rotting corpse at the foot of their throne of vanity. I know I am kind of flying off the handle and not making any sense anymore so I will just be blunt. If you need advice about something, don't ask some random fuck you don't even know and their ability to post selfies does not signify that they are any closer to self actualization than you. And to the false pontificating prophets of the interwebs, make like a tree and fuck off. Don't pretend that you care about these faceless few who reach out from the shadows to pine over you. You are not charming, you are not thoughtful, you are nothing special. Stay Gloomy.       

Borderlands: The Pre-Sequality, Punk Fucks, Putrid Pabulum

This is the character I have
been playing as "Nisha." She
is kind of a meany but her skill
tree is sick.

Allow me to take a moment to reach out and reconnect with the outside world. You see I have been battling Scav's on Elpis the moon of Pandora for the last couple of days. To any noobs out there, this means that the new Borderlands "The Pre Sequel" finally came out on Tuesday and I have been tending the nerd shrine beneath the radiance of my computer monitor ever since; stirring the effervescence of my loser lifeblood. It has been a welcome retreat as the horrific troll that is ArtPrize returns to it's yearly slumber. Overall I would say the game itself is quite solid with a lot of new contrivance to keep the game fresh and exciting while still remaining familiar and evocative. While being made in Australia I wasn't expecting the majority of voice over work to be done by Australian actresses and actors but they take amusing potshots at themselves and American idiosyncrasies. I especially appreciate the fun yet subtle expansion of social awareness within the game. For example, (mild SPOILER alert ahead,) one of the first female characters you meet turns out to prefer the company of woman for her romantic partners. And when something goes awry she will shout the gender neutral diction "Son of a Taint!" Omitting the misogynistic nomenclature we have all come to know and hate. They even tackle the act of "Friend Zoning" in one mission I was sent on by a muscular man who bleeds testosterone who was rejected by the earlier woman. But he calls himself out with socially aware dogma before anyone else even has a chance to correct him. It was refreshing to play such a fun game that is proud to wear it's ESRB rating of "M for MATURE" like a badge of honor while still using it as an opportunity to be tactful, perceptive, and socially enlightened. Who says you can't cover a psycho in acid, shoot him in the head and butt slam them to oblivion and still be empathetic?

We've all been there.

Yep.

On the subject of being socially aware and making efforts to alienate less people, I have had a mild gripe lately. As I'm sure you all know by now I pretty much hate everyone and everything and usually am drawn to the shitty side of people before I would ever accept them into my fold of friends. Which is why I have very few friends and I divorce myself from the ones I have so that I may remain gloom pure. But when I do make friendships or even fleeting interactions with strangers I cherish them deeply whether they know it or not. But what I would like to talk about briefly today is "community." I put that in quotations because what does that mean? Like anything it is a subjective concept that must be analyzed and questioned  to define it. But the first rule you learn in any philosophy class is that you can't play the subjective card. You can't let someone off the hook just because of their own individual perspectives they developed from their upbringing and environment. Otherwise Johnny McChrist-Told-Me-To-Do-It would be running around doing Kerry King knows what. Whatever it is it would most likely involve scripture, a case of Gatorade and a buck knife. But my most recent quarrel with community is that is seems that a lot of people use it as an excuse to actually repudiate and forsake people they feel are not worthy of "their" community. Which you know my maggot motto, "Fuck them all, fuck this world, fuck everything that you stand for." But alas these people hide behind a veil of acceptance as a way to sublimate their coven of vestal punk shitbags. I can't tell if it is that they are completely self-defeating or if subconsciously they actually enjoy ostracizing people while simultaneously being grandiose about their own dejected protagonist identity in the social story of our existence. Whichever it is, I could never understand the dichotomy of acting so affirming towards others while also shitting on everyone who doesn't think exactly the same way you do. I mean none of this matters since God Hates Us All but still, it's annoying.   

Fuck I'm hungry.

Lets end on a happy fun time magic sprinkle rainbow sunshine note today! Lets see here...hmm...Oh I heard that the Ebola thing is simmering down apparently. It's pretty crazy how much people panic over that stuff. Obviously it would really suck shit to have that happen to myself or someone I know or anyone for that matter. Well not anyone, I'll be honest if some Ebola got into the fitted hat distribution facility and every fucker who walks around with those stupid gold stickers on the brim of their hat would puke out their own larynx I would probably sleep better at night. It does blow my mind how scared people are about this shit when they don't think about the shit that they are exposed to every day. I won't go on a big vegan asshole statistic shootout but 8 of the 9 major pathogens that have killed people in the last few centuries, (especially since the Industrial Revolution,) have been directly correlated to animal husbandry and factory farming. You see that is what pisses me off, I don't even eat that bullshit and I could still be struck down by some super zoonotic disease that will melt my face and make me shit battery acid. I don't worry about this stuff though, I know Kerry King has a plan for all of us. If it is within his shredding wisdom to have me writhing in agony on my bathroom floor retching black bile then so be it. Thy will be done. Boy I really missed the mark on ending this on a happy note didn't I? Oh well, fuck it do it live. Stay Gloomy.    

Slay on wise one.

Asshole Association of Radical Piety, On The Juice, Regretful Reminiscence

Me at work.

I skipped last week for various reasons. The leading reason being that I had a really boring week and had nothing to talk about. You see my life is quite monotonous and I have been spending my days either slaying demons, slaying dragons or occasionally slaying demonic dragons. Or I am at work facing the yuppie invasion that is ArtPrize. Luckily there is only a few more days left and we can be safe once more until next harvest. I don't know what is worst, the young naive yuppie larva or the pious elderly arthropods who expelled the amniotic sac the yuppies breached in order to ruin my fucking day. These aren't the elders I grew up around, these people are the definition of privilege. They believe everything should be handed to them because of their AARP status, "The Grand Marshall of Bag Balm." I have always respected the wisdom of those older than me, but these are just the vacuous husks of the same boring shitty people we all despise today. The yuppies of today will be the arbitrary and mercurial pissants of tomorrow. All of my grandparents were industrious, loving and forgiving people who knew a lot about living simply and within our means. If I get one more seasoned woman ripping my head off because her hazelnut coffee is "Too hazelnutty" or another wretch of a man barking "If I don't get four quarters I will never come here again!" I will howl to the unforgiving sky and shot-put their broken bodies into the nearest bee hive. In the words of George Carlin, "Fuck these boomers, fuck these yuppies, and fuck everybody now that I think of it."

Necro-Baby and I at the gig.

In brighter news Ruined played with Jucifer last Monday and it went really fucking well. Sky and I were both a little nervous about playing at a new venue that is meant for "big boy" bands. We also weren't sure how well received we would be since it was going to be mostly a bar crowd. I have never liked playing bar shows and up to this point every bar show I had ever played went really shitty. But for those of you not familiar with the venue here in Grand Rapids called The Pyramid Scheme it is actually a cool joint. The biggest upside for me was that the venue is separate from the main bar area and you have to pay to get into the venue. The only reason this is cool is that it increases the likelihood that only people interested in music will be allowed in. So it keeps a lot of the shitasses who just want to sit and try and get laid our of the mix. There is still a small bar within the venue but for the most part anyone in the room is there to actually WATCH the bands play. As always though as soon as I grabbed my bass and got my game face on it all felt really natural and we sounded good and the set went really smooth. We ended the set with a cover of "Too Many Puppies" by Primus that I am pretty sure took everyone by surprise. Needless to say too Jucifer's set was fucking mind blowing. By that point I was getting extremely tired though since I am normally in bed by 9 o'clock cause I am a fucking loser. But I look forward to hopefully playing there again in the future.  

"Too many puppies are taught to heel."

Me everyday during
my early 20's.

In gloomy ass news I made the mistake of reflecting upon old memories and past miseries. Though my station in life is rooted in a more stable sense of emotional permanence, I can't help but have a sense of longing for mistakes I may have made or at least for never seeking resolution with certain people who perhaps held an important role in my past. I talk about this a lot; how some people are just shit-turds who will never change or listen to reason. And though we may seek sanctuary from having to face these people ever again, the fact remains that their impact still haunts us to this very day. We all have varying degrees that we almost seem to seek out discontentment and even are drawn to people who make us regret every interaction with them. Some people are completely fine with avoiding people who they know in their hearts and minds as being completely unstable and not worth interacting with. But for me, I still bubble beneath the surface now and then with the curiosity of wondering where people are and even wish I had handled things differently so we could at least be on speaking terms. But alas I know that most likely this will all fade into vapor and I will return to my daily thoughts of hatred and insecurity with the world around me. I only mention this as to give strength to others and to receive it back in kindness when facing my own personal demons. I don't have any wise words for those of you dealing with a similar internal struggle, all I can say is that my mind has a firm and rational hold on my current life. I have a clear vision of how I need to live my life and to whom I need to steer from to stay bound to tepid existence. But my soul's desires will always be enigmatic at best. A turbid maelstrom of faith and doubt. I must spend out my days seeking balance within the dichotomy of my spiritual wisdom. I know that this whole thing was vague, confusing and overall a waste of you time. But I just needed to express myself and I enjoy ranting from time to time. Anyways, forever and always. Stay Gloomy.   

Northern Renaissance, Calm Before The Norms, If He Had A Rich Man In His Hand

Mmm...Pistol Whip...

It has been another rousing week for this Renaissance man. Kerry King I wish I was a Renaissance man; I would write poetry while reading physics books and swim across Lake Superior using my bass as a flotation device/creative output . I have been so envious of others and wallowing a lot lately. Which is great stimulation for personal innovation but nonetheless I am left wanting more from life. Everywhere I look it seems that acquaintances are off on some great adventure or making plans for their next one. Everyone around me tells me I am being too clamorous and that I can't have music be the paramount of my existence. But honestly unless I am on tour, recovering from a tour or booking the next tour I am pretty much a barren shell; an astringent apparition clutching to evanescent memories. So basically until I can afford a van I am going to keep whining and complaining on here over and over again about the same shit and how now one likes me or my shitty band. I apologize in advance for having to deal with that. I did just start a new character in "Skyrim" though so I guess that I do have some adventures waiting for me. Nothing soothes the soul quite like slaying a dragon. Except maybe not being a loser and doing something with my life instead of writing about how much I hate everything. I should be pistol whipped until I forget all about my fruitless aspirations. Fuck it, do it live.

Me during ArtPrize.
Confused and imbalanced.

Speaking of the Renaissance and hating everything, ArtPrize is upon us once again! By this time next week I will be neck deep in yuppie shit-monocles. For those of you who don't live in or around Grand Rapids, ArtPrize is a yearly "art competition" where a bunch of fucking mouth-breathers swarm our city for 2 weeks and everyone gets to vote for the best artwork and the winner get's $200,000 to go create more inconsequential, knavish bullshit devoid of any relevance or cultural importance. I have complained about this the past couple of years but I have to lament and express my pure unadulterated malice I have for this shit. First of all, 98% of the entire American population are complete, absolute, outright fucking insensate imbeciles. 80% of those people live in the Midwest. So whom better to judge the "artistic expression" of the aristocracy than the beguiled brutes of Middle America? But honestly, I wouldn't mind the proverbial upper middle class "circle jerk" known as ArtPrize so much if it just didn't affect me so much on a daily basis. These vacuous automatons meander into my place of work every single moment of every single day for the duration of this tragically hallowed gala. They almost look human, aside from the fact that they feed their progeny motor oil and that their skin is actually liquid mercury. The key is to look into their dead eyes, that's the easiest way to spot them. Sometimes it is hard though because they often refrain from making eye contact and prefer to look back at their tedious compatriots while transferring their credit cards. Kerry King forbid they look at you when they have important business to attend to or while downloading new updates from the inane Hive Mind that tells them how to live everyday. You are nothing more than a vending machine to them. Remember, they believe they own you. And ArtPrize is nothing more than a colossal reminder that what is considered stirring and ingenious to the masses is nothing but a vapid identity spilled upon canvas. Once again though, I wouldn't have it any other way. True art and expression should always be buried beneath the bastions of orthodox scrutiny. I say let them toil in their trivial endeavors; the creative pool spirals fastest before the drain. Just stay the fuck away from me.

This is what I see when I take an order.

"But I being poor have only my dreams..."

All this talk about how the average person lives actually makes me feel a lot better about my own stake in life! Sure I am just an idiot who plays bass and wishes I was cool but thank Kerry King I am not working in some office worrying about T.P.S. reports or drudging around the water cooler talking about frivolous trite.And sometimes I wish I had gone further with my schooling and I think for a lot of people they are able to find purpose and meaning in their education and I truly applaud them for that. As William Butler Yeats once said, "Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire." But almost any career I would have chosen I know I would have been forever miserable and live with constant regret. If for nothing else, just imagining the people I would have to surround myself with would be enough to make me retch into a recycling bin every day. I have said this many times and I am sure I will say it many time more, but to me life is about acquiring a wealth of experiences and not experiencing the amenities of wealth. I guess my point is that being poor you gain more character and as long as you enjoy the few joys you may have then you will be a better person for it. In summation, just stay fucking gloomy.

"Who would be a poor man, a beggarman, a thief?"