Piss Mist, Silence Teaches Us To Sing, Future Follies

No fun not ever.

Fuck it has been a long time once again. I remember once saying I was going to try and do this every other week but maybe once a month is more realistic. No one reads this garbage anyways so I am really just talking to myself. On the subject of garbage I am in the middle of trying to move out of my current domicile and I am basically waste deep in refuse everyday now. I am currently avoiding my room since I bleached down my bed which has now reacted with the ammonia in the numerous cat piss areas (and one late night accident from yours truly) and my eyes and throat were burning. So now I am in my living room listening to the rain and silence of an empty home waiting for the bleach to dry.

My post-tour stasis.

In the time since my last post, Ruined went on a 5 day tour through The Rust Belt with Planning for Burial. We had a lot of fun for the most part barring a couple of shows that were essentially empty rooms that we were filling with our gloom. Every show with Planning for Burial was great though and I hope to do it again someday. I feel as though only now are we beginning to get the slightest bit of momentum and yet I feel impeded in some ways. Whenever I get home from a tour it is always bitter sweet. I would say 80% bitter to 20% sweet. I basically wallow behind a feigning veil of normalcy until I am beaten back into my routines. Most people try and talk me out of making more tour plans and the it is good to have those voices of reason to keep me on track. But at the same time there is a million reasons not to do something and the greatest events of my life only happened because I essentially ignored the advice of most everyone around me. If I had my druthers, I would tour for at least two weeks every two months and that is only because of how broke I am. I know it's not for everyone but to me that is the spice of life, the thing that gives all the shit in my life meaning and makes it worthwhile. So essentially what I am getting at is that I want to keep a level head and be smart about my decisions, but basically I am going to tell everyone to fuck off who tries to talk me out of doing something with my music. I wouldn't want to be an asshole to people who obviously are being considerate of my well being but I am no longer going to drag my feet about these kinds of things. Ruined has an actual decently recorded release and I want to push it and get it out there the best I can. It's no longer just me jerking off stale-fish in my room putting out demos and shying away from promoting anything. I want to get in the pit and try to gloom someone.

I made this documentary. Audio is kind of shitty but whatever.

God Hates Us All.

D.I.Y. or Die.

On that subject if anyone is interested in purchasing our latest tape, "Hunter's Premonition," you can order it through Glowing Window Recordings HERE. It comes with a digital download code and as of right now is the best way to acquire the music. As far as future plans Ruined is playing our first show in Kalamazoo on June 18th which will be our last show until August as Sky will be in Europe for July. I may be doing some weird solo set in late July but I'm not sure yet. I am currently booking another short 3 day tour in August which hopefully will be in Milwaukee, WI - Minneapolis, MO - and Chicago, IL. I have a solid lead for Minneapolis and a decent one for Chicago but if anyone could offer help for any of these shows please contact me at ruinedbandmi@gmail.com. Stay Gloomy.

Epoch Fail, Gloom Abroad, Pit Boss

Me the last 4 months.

It's getting warmer here in Michigan. Last week we had weather that was in the mid 60's which is practically unheard of for this time of year. And as is the case with all transitional seasons you start to get a sense of one chapter closing and the advent of another. As for the chapter that is closing, for the most part my chapter was plebeian at best. An interminable way point that I would have preferred to eschew than experience first hand. But here I am at the withering moments of winter and I have little to reflect upon. It was a shitty, arduous winter and I am glad that change is on the horizon. Not that I think that other people are out doing all kinds of wonderful things during the cold seasons. I don't see many snow orgies on my commute home. I don't often see flyers for workshops entitled, "Icicle Incantations: Sparking Sexual Interplay With Frosty Phallus's" when I am window shopping. But I wish I was in a position to travel more to warmer climates in the the winter months and cooler climates in the summer months. If I could go on 2 month tours during both those seasons I would always go to places people least expect. Winter's here? Let's tour the Amazon basin. Summer's coming? Let's tour only Eskimo villages. Perhaps one day Kerry King willing.

Don't let my usual whining set you astray though. For the most part, I am in relatively high spirits lately. Ruined is in the studio recording and we are going on tour with Planning for Burial in May which is fucking incredible. How a fuckhead like me gets to be on the same bill with one of the best musicians/people out there for three nights in a row is beyond me. Also I recently have found renewed fealty to my peers here in Grand Rapids as well. I don't know if I will ever be a social Czar here but I am glad people are willing to pull through for me even though I am a penurious and accursed shitbag. I feel it's worth mentioning though that when I am on tour I am far more amicable and even conciliatory to everyone around me. I genuinely enjoy the company of humanity overall when I am on the road. And the main explanation for that being that I pretty much hate not being on tour and every moment spent static takes an egregious toll on my self-worth. So basically I am in a better mood when I am on the road and I don't hate people in such a piercing or relentless way. Also I am less likely to deal with yuppies and normo's every fucking day when I am playing punk basements and hipster havens. Then again I hate punks and hipsters too...and I am usually really tired after I play a set so I get grumpy...yeah you know what forget all that I am just a fuckshitter. I am just the way Kerry King made me.

Legitimate Gloom.

Forever

With that tour on the horizon it gives me something to look forward to which is really all life is. Or at least living within Western culture; a whole bunch of bullshit and the occasional reprieve only to be cast back down into the depths of despair. But knowing that the tour is coming up in a couple of months I have begun trying to eat better and exercise. I have to really kick it up a notch because not only do I have to build my stamina for our set every night, but I also have to keep the pit open during the entirety of Planning for Burial's set. It's going to be tough to keep a bunch of gloom fucks and sad saps moving in the pit. They will be emotionally subverted and therefore physically devitalized. It'll be my job to maintain what I like to call "Pit Velocity." I will encourage others to crawl onto me and stab me with ceremonial daggers and we will all cry and puke blood until there is no more sanguine fluid to spill. It will be glorious. I should probably start training, stay gloomy.   

Slow March To Burial, Musicianship: Grievance In Motion, Stone Cold Update

Cyclops = March

It's March again. I decided a long time ago that March is my least favorite month of the year. I usually consider myself to be a fall/winter kind of guy more than a spring/summer. Any season that causes more sorrow than hope is alright by me. But for those of you who don't live in Michigan or the great white North our winters tend to push far into our other seasons. So I start to get burnt out with all the frigid wind and window scraping around this time. March is just a shitty ass month where it is close enough to spring to make you look forward but far enough away that it just pisses you the fuck off. The first day of spring is in March but that means dick up here. The closest I have ever come to being in a car accident was when I was 17 and I spun out during a sleet storm and it was the middle of April. Pretty much the only good March I have ever had was when I was in Europe. Three years ago today I was in Madrid, Spain having the time of my life. I should really start writing in my journal again so I can document all the stuff I don't do these days.

Their dates make more sense. Day/Month/Year.

Fuck this is depressing me to watch.

I need to go back.

It isn't all bad news though. I do have a few things on the horizon to look forward to. One thing in particular has me pretty jazzed but I am waiting until all our ducks are in a row before I announce it. I have this habitual nature about me that I get too far ahead of myself. But I also feel that most people don't get ahead of themselves at all. And they don't take any risks or ever run head first into the mist. I was having a talk the other day about being a musician and what that entails. The unfortunate imbalance that happens usually is that your bank account will always be plundered by passion. Most people can't imagine being broke as fuck and simultaneously be planning a road trip at the same time. I would say unequivocally that the average "musician" is not cut out for it and they are too terrified of not playing things safe. But really is that the way you would want it? Would you want to only play shows within a 50 mile radius of where you live and have the record executive happen to show up and sign you on the spot? Where's the fucking fun in that? We all see it happen, where people get handed all the right trappings for doing the wrong deeds. I don't even think they realize what a simple journey they had to go on to obtain their fame. I have said it a million times on here before but I believe that life is about having a wealth of experiences and not fiscal worth. I would rather spend 5 years playing only sewage treatment plant basements and have all the shit filled memories than miss out on them. My main point I was getting at is all to often I believe people try to cripple passionate people for whatever their reasons. Usually they just don't understand the concept of being broke all the time. They need that security and that financial barrier in order to sleep at night. Meanwhile 30 years from now they'll look back and wonder what the fuck they did with their lives while I'll hopefully be on my 37th world shit depository tour "Open Up The Shit Pit Tour 2045." As a musician I rely heavily on the favors of others (booking shows, letting us sleep on their floor, feeding us etc.) And I have come to realize I need to reach out more to people to show my gratitude for these favors. But all in all if you know someone who is passionate about something I implore you to show them support the best you can and think twice before you try and make them feel bad about themselves. If their ambivalence to fiscal responsibilities annoys you so much just remember that they probably sleep on concrete floors and eat lint regularly. It's punishment enough.  

Get this pumped.

Onto the insipid Ruined update you all look forward to. It does feel good to have actual things to talk about now. I feel like this will be a good year for Ruined. I haven't even done an update since we hit the studio I realize. Overall the studio experience was great. We recorded at Amber Lit Audio here in Grand Rapids and it is a really great place to record. It is right on the Grand River next to a train bridge. You can almost smell the rotting crust kid flesh it's that close. We tracked everything live aside from the vocals and I was mystified by the sounds we captured with both the bass and the drums. All the recordings we have had so far was just me alone in my room dicking around with a hand recorder. My bass was muddy and it took a lot of work to make it sound even that shitty. But now before we did any mixing it already had that ethereal effervescence while still maintaining the seismic bellow of my live sound. We got together two days ago and did a quick mix of one of the songs we recorded "Some Years Don't Matter." To the 7 fans we have you will recognize 2 out of the 4 songs we recorded and I hope you'll enjoy the deja vu. But otherwise we should be receiving our first mixes within the week and then I can begin the ritual of listening to them over and over again for several hours everyday. I will keep you all abreast of our progress as it happens. Until then, Stay Gloomy.  

About Nothing, Elemental Absurdity, Is Everybody In?

Working for the weekend.

Been a couple of weeks since I have written on here. I may start making this more of a bi-weekly thing instead of weekly. I have so little going on that sometimes I feel like I am clawing at whiny self indulgent straws every week. Also one of my New Years resolutions was to complain less and I think every other week would be a more reasonable amount of complaining. And absolutely nothing interesting ever happens in my life so it makes it difficult to expound upon cipher. I often times work all day and then come home and read about all the cool things that other people are doing. This year has got to be my year to get shit done. I think I was premature when I thought last year was the year. But I think that now the stars are aligning and I just might be able to pull something off for myself. Or maybe I will just sit around Michigan forever until the end of time. Could go either way.

This will help explain the next bit.

That's an ethos I can get behind.

I am just sick of being tired all the time. I just drink coffee, listen to Nirvana, (happy belated birthday Kurt,) and read about famous demons. Well I don't know if they are famous; can something spurious ever truly be famous? Then again Batman is fabricated and he is pretty famous. I know I lament religion a lot but I want it to be known that I piss on everything. I don't just shit on angels and apostles, I also scorn demons and acolytes. Though I will be honest I do think demons are cooler I think it's all laughable. As Slayer says, "I hate everyone equally, I don't need no segregation, no separation just me and my world of enemies." I like that, it's simple and direct. I got on this thought because the other day we listened to some 2000's era alternative rock bands and the song "Voodoo" by Godsmack came on. I'll admit at the time, it was probably the 5th bassline I ever learned. But I remember kids at my school saying, "You know the singer of Godsmack? Well he's into Wicca and in that music video that's his coven performing a ceremony!" And they were real creeped out about it. And at the time I was a total nu metal fiend (still am) and not wanting to feel left out I played along. But even then in the back of my mind I was thinking, "Wicca huh...that sounds fucking dumb." I had an ex who hated Christians at least half as much as I do but eventually they revealed that they too believed in many pagan theologies including Wicca. I give pagans a little bit more slack since they were here first but eventually you would think that reason would prevail. It doesn't take much investigating to realize that all of this was shit that someone made up a long time ago for whatever the reason, most likely to fuck someone over. And the only reason people accept these answers is because the unknown is terrifying to them. Personally, I just don't lose sleep over not knowing the next step. I don't emit fleeting piety like a religious leech, but at the same time I am not naive to the point that I think I have everything figured out and my body will just rot in the ground and that's it. We will never understand the "beyond" and I have accepted it. And no amount of holy water, séance's or tree orgies are going to make a difference. All we need to know is that God Hates Us All and Kerry King has a plan for us.

Blow it out your ass you pagan fuck. 

I played with a band called Bone Dance once.
They had never heard of Cubone.
Fuck that.

In other news, I will do another Ruined update because I actually have some fresh news on that front. We just got done practicing a few minutes ago and everything is sounding nice and tight for the studio on Tuesday. Thought we are only recording 3 songs and two of them are old songs I still feel like this is finally going to be our first foot in the door of being broke ass musicians. But maybe we'll be broke ass musicians who people maybe give a shit about. Kerry King I hope so. I will say I don't give a shit about most people but I do tip my metaphorical hat to people who support music in whatever way they do. I don't do it nearly enough and I know I am a shitass for it. But anyways, I also got my taxes done so I should be on track for getting a van pretty soon. Once I get one I plan to start booking a tour sometime in May or June. Probably won't be very long unfortunately but I do plan on doing some long ass shit later this year. Otherwise I hope to play a lot more locally and around the midwest when we can. Maybe bop on up to Canada if we can. Keep an eye out for stupid videos we are going to make in the studio. You know the ones I'm talking about, "Yeah I am playing through an XJ-9 Wave Humper with a Jaguar Sex-Tar. Hold on I gotta take a shit dude hit record!" Until then, Stay Gloomy. 

A Charley Horse Of Course Of Course, Palate Cleansing, I'm Blue Da Ba Dee Da Ba Die

Oh the pain...

Woke up from a Charley Horse today. It is astonishing how much those fucking hurt. One minute I was having a dream about shoveling snow from my dad's driveway, (which is half a mile long and dirt, I know I have the best dreams,) and the next minute I am writhing in agony in my own bed flailing around like a dolphin on the deck of a "dolphin safe" fishing vessel. After my flesh has been torn and bones broken by the mechanization below deck I am thrown back to sea because hey, it's still "dolphin safe" cause they didn't kill me they just didn't give me the option to survive. Call me "Survival Impaired!"  Anyways, Charley Horse's fucking hurt I hate them. Eventually I got up and limped downstairs where my french press has been broken for weeks now so I have the option between the Diatomaceous Earth known as "instant coffee" or I can make a lab experiment out of my coffee making experience and with a little Conklin ingenuity make some coffee with the good coffee I have. With a series of strainers and colanders I am able to have a very grainy cup of coffee that has somehow become room temperature during this entire process. Have I mentioned lately that God Hates Us All?

A lot of recipes call for "dice size pieces."
I like that analogy.

I have also been cooking a lot more at home. When you spend most of your days cooking for office peons you get kind of burnt out by the time you get home. But it has been nice always having something to eat around the house. Been keeping the pantry stocked and cooking up some pretty damn tasty shit most days. But last night I made a pad thai that was absolute horse shit. It was just sour and shitty and it really fell short. And yet I kept eating it cause it took me 45 minutes to make and I was going to be pissed if it went to waste. It's interesting how you can fill your stomach with food, even if it is bland and shitty and yet you still don't feel satisfied. It's interesting how much taste and the soul of food plays a role in our subsistence. When I was in Europe I surprisingly ate very well and everything we ate was made vegan and usually fresh right before our eyes. Can't stress this enough, those people have courtesy down to a fucking science. But this one night we were playing in Bulgaria I believe and we were playing this weird yuppie bar with big screen TV's and shit. And the promoter's girlfriend brought us food and it was literally white rice with a bag of frozen peas/carrots mixed in. Not a grain of salt nor spice. Devoid of a drop of oil or vinegar. They were so uncertain of what was vegan that they gave us essentially tree bark. Of course I didn't complain and ate a giant heaping bowl since I hadn't eaten in 14 hours but when I was done I felt like I had eaten a 6-pack of cotton socks. Some days I wish I could just take a pill that gave me all the nutrients I needed for the day and made me feel full too. But I also understand the psychological importance of eating delicious food and I am grateful that I have at least a decent grasp of making good vegan food. I have to make non-vegan food all the time at work and I get no solace when someone compliments me on it cause realistically it is still a carcass of pathogen infested shit that was once a sentient being that had a family. Yeah yeah yeah I know, you're tuning out cause I am being a vegan asshole. Cut me a break though, when you're vegan and you get to be elbow deep in corpses and pasteurized pustule every day you have to vent once in a while. I appreciate all my Carnie friends for letting me be a vegan prick once in a while. Because really none of this matters since we're all going to die and all hope is gone. Fuck yeah!

Had to do it. Listen to Joaquin Phoenix.

He is wise beyond his years. Get your cry on.

Speaking of cooking, I have a character in Sims 4 who is in the culinary career track and I should probably bring my attention to their needs. Oh yeah I got the Sims 4 earlier this week. I have always loved the Sims series, I was obsessed with the first installment and also the Sims 2. Never got into the third one though I heard it honked real hard. But 4 is pretty ding dangly sweet. But as I often do I will leave you with a small music update. As of right now, Ruined is officially booked for studio time in mid-February. We are going to be recording three songs, two of which are previously released songs that I recorded by myself that will be used as a demo to send out for exposure and shit. The third song will be on a split that is brand new and if I hit the mark right will make everyone puke blood and then cry acid tears into the puddle of blood puke. So yeah, look forward to that. Till then, stay gloomy.     

100 Shit Nuggets, Won By Walking, Party Like It's...

This was me two years ago.
My shirt says "Animal Liberation" and
I was trying to liberate a lion from a statue.
I was really coo.

Believe it or not this is my 100th post that I have made to this blog. It has been a little over 2 years of rants and trivial observations. Hard to believe I had that much to say especially since little has changed in my life since I began this blog. I still for the most part am either at work or sitting in my room escaping through RPG's or practicing bass. Which if anything that is one of the biggest progressions I have made in my life. I have explored many of the various methods of bass technique and I am glad I never settled onto any one specific specialization. Chronologically I have been in all kinds of bands whose genres are included but not limited to: nu metal, funk metal, noise rock, post-punk, post-rock, post-metal, dark shoegaze, indie-pop shoegaze, power violence, hardcore, bleak metal, drone and all other musical taxonomies that no one knows what the fuck they mean. Though I have gained a lot of knowledge and experience from playing all these different styles they all accumulated to develop my own brand of "mastery" if you could call it such a thing. But writing in this blog has also been a developmental process for me. Though I don't consider writing a passion, I would say it is a hobby of mine that I enjoy. I also find it to be a catharsis within the symbiotic relationship I have with expression and music/writing. I hope that most of you have that elemental aspect of your life that makes it worthwhile. If not, seek it out at all costs. Be a broke asshole like me and whine on the internet every week. It's really coo.

Words to live by.

On the subject of whining and expression, I was reading some Friedrich Nietzsche the other day as every misanthrope does. But I read an interesting segment of his work titled "Homer's Contest" that I would like to extrapolate upon. One of the things I love about Nietzsche is that he is really fun to read and is seldom boring. There is a charm to his writing that few philosophers, (let alone writers,) can emulate with such allure. But often times he will generalize an entire culture or race of people by using an interesting perspective such as, "So far no one has had enough courage and intelligence to reveal me to my dear Germans." To me, this was his way of primarily grouping the philosophers and leading thinkers in these regions more so than making a generalization about the average person on the street. Which as a philosopher/thinker (and a German) it was important that he divorce himself from that identity in order to make his claims and observations seem relevant. Now stay with me here, I will try not to fill your eyes with scholarly feces that will infect your ocular cavity until you develop two symmetrical anus' and you from now on poop out of you face orifices. But in "Homer's Contest" Nietzsche talks about the Greeks and their ancient theologies. How in ancient times Greek culture was seen as the pinnacle of humanity that all other compare themselves to. I won't blab on and on about all the different facets of this piece, but one of the most interesting points he made was that Greeks saw life as a contest. Whether it was war, athletics or even art and expression. It is easy to see the contest in war and athletics but I never really thought about the reason a human would engage in art would be out of contest with others. I have certainly seen some real turd sandwiches walking around who think that they can shit onto a canvas and that makes them an artist. I see the dominate ego at work when I see those types of people. And the more I expound on this and my own culture of musicianship I do find myself more and more seeing most musicians as apocryphal. Though I see expression as an internal spurring and fluid response to the ethereal and intangible, I do see how many people do the right things for the wrong reasons. And the worst part of all of this is I know that many people have so much they want to express and feel that crushing desire to unleash their own potential but they have no ability or pathway to make it happen.  They have no musical or artistic background and the odds are stacked against them to acquire the skills needed to accomplish any ground in the matter. I am so grateful that I spent my teen years honing my own skills instead of engaging in fleeting social dogma. My final point with this is I guess we all need to constantly challenge our own egos. It's whisper is seldom beneficial or encouraging.  Jealousy, envy and hatred are it's weapons and we must disarm ourselves of these tools before they destroy us. Nietzsche uses the example of Miltiades; so obsessed with contest and fame he becomes a vengeful spirit against himself. "To satisfy this craving he misuses fame, state property and civic honor--and dishonors himself...An ignominious death sets its seal on his brilliant heroic career and darkens it for all posterity. The envy of the heavenly powers seized him. And this divine envy is inflamed when it beholds a human being without rival, unopposed, on a solitary peak of fame. Only the gods are beside him now--and therefore they are against him. They seduce him to a deed of hybris, and under it he collapses."

Always relevant.

Keep the faith.

Once again, I ranted for WAY TOO FUCKING LONG!!!! Holy fuck I am so sorry about that. Every time I sit down to do this I tell myself, "Zach, no one gives a fuck. Just make a couple of poo poo jokes and then get the fuck off and play Sim City." Sadly I get pensive and all the people around me do their best to accommodate my rants but they can only handle so much. I salute them for their service and they hold a high honor in my maggot infested heart. Speaking of the maggot army, let me just hit you all with a small Ruined update and then I will finally fuck off. I talk about our plans a lot on here but believe it or not they change drastically almost on a weekly basis. This is due to financially instability, opportunity knocks and of course the fact that I am an impulsive idiot. So this is the maggot game plan as it stands right now. We are saving a little bit of money to hit a studio sometime in February, March at the latest. We are going to record three songs, two of which will end up on a most likely unreleased demo that we plan to send to labels. The third song will be on a split with one of my ole git pals from jolly ole England named Dean and his project KNIFEDOUTOFEXISTENCE. We are hoping to make this a 7 inch hence the search for a label cause vinyl is not fucking cheap. Other than that of course we are still waiting to get tax return money and then buy a van and finally envelop the land in gloom. Rivers will overflow with the tears of the innocent and it will snow sadness forever and ever till the end of time. You know that ole chestnut. Until then, stay gloomy.

Welcome To Cell, Permanent Changes In Consciousness, Planning For Pluvial

I talk about people I hate a lot on here as you all know. Whether it's yuppies, cops or other vegan straight edge fuckheads we have a little bit of everything for everyone on here. But even last night I had a moment where I thought about how great it is that I hate so many people. Because the more people I hate, the more exclusive my circle of friends becomes and the more I love and cherish the moments I have with them. Well, I guess it's becoming more like a triangle of friends...or a better analogy would be an organism's cell of friendship. You have myself as the gloomy pissant nucleus, and then you have the great people who accept me who are the mitochondrion, a few ribosome acquaintances and then everyone has a few of those cumbersome endoplasmic reticulum. Don't get me started on those fuckers. But all in all, though I do worry or ponder about lost friendships that I once had I am probably at my most comfortable social center that  I have ever been in my entire life.

I am really lucky to have great co-workers too. You know what's crazy? I work at a typical capitalist establishment and yet no one at my work ever says the words "bitch" or "fag" ever. You know how great that is? I don't have a single person at my work that I have to be in my head saying, "Great, here comes Fucky McShithammer..." That has a huge impact on going in there everyday. I would probably be insane by now if it were any different. It's really fucked up that people have to go to work everyday and work in a social environment that they despise on top of having to do menial shit that holds them back from making personal progress. As I said if I had both of those things happening simultaneously and having to listen to these fucking mouth breather consumers everyday I would most likely scream "SERENITY NOW!" and run through the woods naked until wild dogs caught up with my and ate me alive. Perhaps that day still has yet to come. C'est la vie.      

Speaking of shitty misogynistic and homophobic language, I have been seeing a lot of posts online lately about feminism and what it means to be feminist. Over the years I have gathered my thoughts on the subject and have attempted to forge my own perspective. I still am learning more and more everyday and trying to keep myself open to new and fascinating facets of this movement. But for starters, I do not consider myself a feminist. Not because I would be ashamed of that sobriquet, but I feel that as a male bodied person there will always be a part of the movement that I could never be accepted into for the simple fact of my biological capacity. I could never fully understand the physical and emotional aspects of being a true feminist and I accept that and I leave my ego out of it the best I can. At best I consider myself to be a feminist ally but even that I am apprehensive to claim. Firstly, I fucking hate men. I think men are truly the manifestations of evil on Earth and if they were all chained to walls and used simply for procreation it would be more than they deserve. I know that is not what the feminist movement is about so I don't really think I am upholding the true ideals of the movement and I could be considered a hindrance. Secondly, for years I have had a lot of respect for powerful woman and I have had immense admiration for the courage of transgender people and their own movement. I felt small compared to them, as a person who had identified since birth as the gender I was assigned I really had no battles to fight. At best I felt as though I could only reach out to other men and try to expose them to the things I had learned over the last few years. But I have recently realized that the more I learned about these movements and the atrocities that  men have committed over the centuries that I was divorcing myself little by little from my previous male identity. I have no interest in what male culture has to offer in this country and what little characteristics of male identity I do still maintain I look at them more with disdain than acceptance. The point I am trying to reach is within myself and the way I perceive myself is more complex than I would have imagined a few short years ago. Though I think it beckons further reflection and I don't think I can put it in a simple category, I suppose I would say that the best explanation I can offer is that I identify as gender neutral. I don't expect anyone to really adjust their pronouns or anything around me, for I do still project primarily "male" idiosyncrasies. And my intention is not to alienate others or to have others pander to my personal perception. But realistically, I don't really give a fuck about other peoples thoughts on me. And though this is a public document it is still mostly a place where I gather my thoughts. My main point of this chunk of my rant is that I feel more comfortable identifying as a feminist ally when I accept the fact that I no longer identify as a man, and that I still feel I could reach out to others from my position of privilege in order to expose them to new knowledge. And that I still think that people who do identify as men but also regard themselves feminist should consider being allies instead. Because realistically, equality will be unobtainable as long as your ego thinks that you are privy to any and all things and you are unable to realize that male privilege is blocking your ability to truly help out. Let the girls have the room, you've had your turn.

Us in the studio.

Now that the soapbox has broken beneath my feet, let's talk about some fun Ruined shit! Yay! Last week I updated you millions of people who read this blog about some recent changes happening in the Ruined camp. Essentially we are holding off on our full length for a bit and we are going to put out some different stuff. Now last week I said we are going to be putting out a demo with two old songs and one new song. As always, I talk way too quickly about shit and I change my mind about 20 minutes later. Our plan is now this. We are going to do a two song demo that may or may not be released publicly. It will primarily be used to send into record labels to get some more attention and hopefully bag us someone willing to put out our full length and future releases. This will be a great stepping stone to the relentless touring we are going to be doing. I have plans to at least personally be on the road once every 3 months if it can be helped financially and mechanically. But we are also going to be doing a split with my good pal Dean over in jolly ole England with his project KNIFEDOUTOFEXISTENCE. It will most likely be two brand new songs, one of which we are putting the final touches on and I have a brand new one I started working on the other night that I think would do nice on that split. To say the least, the Ruined beast is awakening and it's coming to a town near you. Get ready for the rain. Stay gloomy. 

Geek Chic, No Shoes Not Ever, Across The Sea

This just felt right to me.

Hello again one and all. Not sure how in depth I will get today or how real shit will be but we'll just get going and see what happens. I kind of just want to drink coffee, play World of Warcraft and listen to Rammstein. Yeah I play World of Warcraft again and I gotta say I have been having a blast. Much like Diablo 3, Blizzard has done a great job of cleaning up the shitty aspects of their games and listen to player suggestions. With that being said I pretty much fucking hate every person on the fucking game. It is seldom that I can play an hour without hearing a racial slur or a misogynistic annotation being broadcast. Things like this make me reflect from time to time on why I identify with certain sub-cultures even though I pretty much hate every person beneath my banner more than the rest of the world. Complacent vegans prancing around like they are going to save everyone or sanctimonious straight edge kids who feel that alienation is the greatest form of outreach. I'd say for every one of the cohorts I meet in these circles that I like, I hate probably seventeen others. May nothing but sorrow and squalor befell them and their ilk. But gamers are probably some of the biggest pieces of shit on Earth. There was a time when I felt like gaming was a safe haven for the outcasts and reprobates of the world. But it has now become a place for bloated ultra cretins who have given up on companionship and would rather troll everyone and everything. Or it is a place for the frat guy who blows off some steam after a failed date rape attempt by pwning noobs in Call of Duty. I would say that the solution would be to put JEWEL WASP larvae in the next batch of Gamer Fuel and hope all these cockroaches are dragged to the nearest burrow and eaten alive beneath the cold soil. But please, leave my Code Red alone.

I love this band. This band and Tool

are my WoW playlist.

In other news, lots of changes in the Ruined camp this week. We had a practice last night and we worked really hard on a new song that we have been working on. It's different than a lot of our material but we are both having a lot of fun working out the kinks. We also play in a room that was built on top of our garage that has absolutely no insulation or heating so we are building a shitload of character every time we practice now. (See my last post about the glorious merits of Northern character building.) I did buy a few of those hand-warmer things that react to air and they were a big help. You know that thing Elizabeth Banks was using in "Zack and Miri Make A Porno?" The thing that got lodged in Seth Rogen's taint? Love that movie, such a sweet soundtrack. But I was feeling like the Lich King one minute and the breath of Deathwing the next! WoW reference! ROFLCOPTER!!!  But yeah I tossed one of those in my pajama pants and would put my hand in there between songs and it helped out a shitload. But after practice we sat and had a talk about future plans. And afterwards I think we both felt a lot better about our long term goals. As of right now, we are going to push back recording our full length for a bit for several reasons. First of all, I don't think we have enough of a following that anyone would really give a shit about a full length coming out. I would rather hold off and get more people interested before dropping that shit like it's hot. Secondly, as of right now we have no recordings of us as a duo to send into labels who would maybe be interested in putting said full length out. So our plan now is we are going to record another EP in the next month that will probably get released independently as a way of gaining interest with both the general gloom masses and so we can have a solid "demo" if you can call it that to send to labels. Now for all the die hard Ruined fans out there who have already carved "Kill God" into their arms don't get too excited. This EP will most likely have 3 songs on it, 2/3 of which are songs that I previously recorded by myself in my room. Now that third song will most likely be the brand new one we have been working on so if you have your headphones on and a belt tied around your neck anxiously awaiting new material you are in luck! You will be able to achieve gloom-gasm once again soon! But for the most part we wanted to finally have a recording that would be a better representation of our overall sound and capture more of that live essence that makes us worth talking about around the water cooler back at Gloom HQ.

When in Rome. Creep out tourists.

Today I will leave you with a nostalgic rant. You know how everyone knows that person who has been to Europe and they come back and it's all they talk about? And they won't shut up about how much better it is there and that they can't wait to go back? Well I have tried really hard the last 2 or 3 years not to be that guy. But the other day I got caught up watching old videos from the tour I did with BEARTRAP and WITCH CULT of our 59 shows in 60 days across the majority of Europe and I just got so fucking pumped. And you know what, this is my damn blog and I can say whatever the fuck I feel like so please feel free to tune out. I miss it so much over there. Everyone loves music and will listen to everything and rock to every band that comes to town especially if they are from another country. We are nothing like that over here, so fucking jaded. My pals from Europe, (if you're reading this Dean, Mazz and Fee I miss you all deeply,) talk about coming over here and I want them to but at the same time I know it would fucking honk for them. They'd make shit money and no one would give a fuck. But I also miss the raw aggression of playing hardcore/powerviolence music. I don't think I would ever start a band like that or become a permanent member but I would love to fill in again for a tour like that. I emerged from my shell a lot more becoming a part of that culture for a brief amount of time. And though it was frustrating and lonely at times I wouldn't pass up another opportunity like that for anything. I don't really have any point to all this other than occasionally I think we all need to ignore the advice of others, say fuck it to our jobs and financial security and just go fucking do something with our lives. Stay free, stay alive and stay gloomy.

One day I will return.

Musky And Muscle-y, Husky and Gloomy, Nerdy and Fucky

Look into the abyss.
And the abyss stares back.

Woke up later than expected this morning. It was our first officially cold morning here in Michigan. It was nice to throw pajama pants on and a Pokemon sweater right away and head downstairs to brew some nice hot coffee. I have been anxious to jump into the Fall framework this year and have acquired provisions for this most gratifying season. I went into Yankee Candle the other day and bought a few Fall themed candles to get in the spirit of things. I walked in and it was only myself and the clerk which I always find myself walking on egg shells in a place like that. First of all, the last time I was in there I broke a 30 dollar candle on accident because I lifted from the lid like an idiot. But also I am of course looking like a Maggot and wondering around the store trying to let my olfactories take in all the emanations. I could tell the clerk was nervous and assumed that I planned to make a "Five Finger Discount" for myself whereby she would have to give me the "Five Finger Death Punch." A battle would ensue in the Yankee Candle Fortress and the Candle Commandos would rush in but I would cut them off at the bridge that allowed passage over the great Melted Wax Moat. Alas eventually I would be overwhelmed and would be trapped in a giant jar where I would await my "scentence." I would be transmogrified into an exclusive scent and sold to the Scent Barons for my transgressions. He who controls the scent, controls the universe. Which beckons the question, if you were made into a Yankee Candle; what would your scent be? They had all kinds of crazy ass scents, one section being limited to only "Man Scents." Which for any of you who don't frequent the land of Yankee Candle the scents included: Mmm Bacon, Man Town, Ale Beer and of course Camouflage. Who the fuck would want their house to smell like bacon? I work in food service, believe me you don't want your clothes smelling like bacon. "Yes I am looking for a candle that is between "Rotting Corpse" and "Tar Pit," any suggestions?" "...Right this way..." And what would "Camouflage" smell like? I would imagine it would have to be what Predator's dreads smelled like. Or Arnold Schwarzenegger covered in mud. Either way, win win right there. I would have to imagine my scent would have to be somewhere between "Burnt Bible" and "Blood Soaked Urinal." The possibilities are endless. But eventually I broke the ice with the clerk when I noticed a 300 dollar candle keg and had to inquire about it. She seemed extremely bored and told me all about this legendary candle. Apparently she has only ever seen one person by one of these and that is burns for over 115 hours and that she is constantly telling people to put it down because they want to take selfies with it and that...hmm...I just realized I have spent an exorbitant amount of time talking about my visit to Yankee Candle. I guess I need to get out more.

Bet that'd smell good.

My childhood.

Moving on! What else can I waste your time with...I suppose it should be mentioned that today is of course the anniversary of the World Trade Center attacks. I don't feel like going on a long rant about that but I will let George Carlin rant for me in the video below. It has also been three years since my Grandpa passed away. He was a good guy who in coalescence with my Grandmother taught me a lot about compassion and the symbiosis that humans can find with animals. My Grandpa and Grandma ran a rescue for Siberian Huskies and my Grandfather was at the time of his death the oldest dogsled racer in Michigan.  I always had such a mystic and whimsical fascination and admiration with my Grandparents unwavering love they had for another species and that stuck with me. As in most cases you don't realize how much someone affected your life until you are no longer able to tell them so. Many of you may know by now I am not very vocal about the things I love and focus more so on the things I despise. And I don't expect most people to understand my perspectives on things. But I feel that I am actually a very compassionate person though I may be private about my feelings more often than not. And I am not embarrassed or discouraged to express those feelings when they come to be. But I just hope that the few people I do care about know that I think of them often and am consumed by longing and regret for my absence from their lives.

Gone too soon.

I searched "RPG Nerd"
and found this.

Wow that got way more cereal than I intended. Lets keep this gloom train rolling! I will leave off with once again a small Ruined update. We practiced last night for the first time in a while but we have a set time slot now so we will hopefully be burning through new material at a much faster pace. We have the pieces aligned for most of the material that will be on our upcoming full length. It will probably be a couple more months before we hit the studio but I see the twinklings of magical gloom fairy dust peaking upon the horizon. Fall will forever be my most creative and ambitious time of year. Something about everything dying and the impeding winter of woe really kicks me in the ass and makes me want to play more. In fact I also got a new fuzz pedal last night which sounds really fucking cool. I used to think I would never be a pedal board guy but it has been so much fun researching and finding new and exciting pieces to add to my gloom arsenal. It is a lot like gearing a character in an RPG but in real life! I have my "6-String Axe of Anguish" with +666 Heresy Bonus and instant Mana Burn. My "Delay Pedal of Lost Memories" that saps Mental Health Regeneration for all I come in contact with. And now my "Fuzz Pedal of Infinite Laceration" that gives an Armor Piercing boost with a 47% chance to cause enemies to flee. I am hoping to have most of my rig set up when recording time comes around so I can reproduce sounds from the record live. Though Ruined is "The Band That Grand Rapids Forgot" our gloom works like a Space Marine spearhead; "One unbreakable shield against the coming darkness. One last blade, forged in defiance of fate. Let it be my legacy to the galaxy I conquered. And my final gift to the species I failed." Essentially, we're going to fuck shit up. Stay Gloomy.

Red By Mourning, Seattle Bound, No One Likes A Shitass

The right attitude. 

Nice and gloomy day here in Michigan! I was stirred from my sleep this morning by the sound of thunder and the drowning death-rattles of yuppies being swept away by the rising flood of rain like a caustic river through the ruptured thoroughfare and passageways of this fair city! Instead of being met by the unforgiving sea; our ill-fated friends spiraled beneath the very crust of the Earth herself deep into the 8th circle of Hell reserved for vapid frauds and were tucked away in the furthest cantos as Sowers of Discord! My compatriots and I shall laugh from our tall and vast cliff narrows in the 6th circle buried alive in our flaming tombs of heresy! It shall be glorious! Alas it would be, if any of it were true. The thunder part was true at least and that was nice. And as always I would like to remind you all of the beautiful dichotomy that we have the heartening experience of enjoying on days like today. As a person who hates going out into the world and most likely would feel completely at home building a fortress in the Mariana Trench with a high speed internet connection and a tour submersible; days like today are a Kerry King send. At this chapter of my life most people know not to bother with asking me to go do anything for any reason at any time, but the expectation is loosened even further on a day like today when no one wants to leave their prospective dwellings. My point being that gloomy, rainy and even shitty days should be celebrated with a reserved sense of reciprocity with the universe and the balance of our humors. A somber calm is just as important as a joyful exuberance.

"Opposition brings concord. Out of discord 

comes the fairest harmony. " -Heraclitus

Our gloom shall drink
your rivers dry. 

Now what else is happening in the desolate catacomb that is my life. I was feeling really sick and shitty yesterday at work. The night before I started feeling that sore and overall uncomfortable feeling you get when you have a cold or flu. Which of course made it impossible to sleep that night and I felt 10 times worst yesterday from it. I feel a lot better today though so that's coo. Otherwise I had to officially cancel a tour I was booking for Ruined this November. The pieces just were not falling into place, the main one being that I don't have a vehicle therefore short of having a gloom army carry us across the country like Xerxes in "300" it wasn't in the cards. I was hoping to have that situation remedied by now but you know how things go, once the craft beer starts flowing it is tough to save money living in Beer City USA. Which is why it is also understandable why not a single bourgeoisie shit-waffle can tip my shit-ass. Who can afford it when you have all these breweries popping up all over town like great obtuse obelisks beckoning you forward and taxing your resources away? Speaking of bourgeoisie, I have been watching the show "Frasier" a lot lately and I honestly think it's funny as fuck. It almost makes me want to move to the great Northwest Territory. It rains all the time, Wolves in the Throne Room are from there, and the pine trees outnumber the craft beer barbarians. At least from what I have been told.

I consider Ricky to be a sage of sorts.

I will admit I was disappointed having to cancel that tour. But I realized that there is no reason to be upset about something that is simply out of my control. I have been working the same job for the past 2 years and I am only just now feeling like I am getting on my feet. I still live check to check and have no intention of having a savings account any time soon. In fact I am under the presumption that I will always dwell in the proverbial shit-shack beneath the crushing capitalist citadels. But given the time I am confident I will sort something out for us. On the bright side we have been working on a music video that is coming along nicely. We recorded some footage last night that turned out pretty gloomy. I think editing that eventually will be a constructive use of my time and will distract myself from delving into my self-deprecating thoughts. I have also been trying to book some more shows around Grand Rapids and have not had much luck. I'd like to get a good repose going with the Michigan Gloom Alliance but it's slow going so far. Once again I feel like I am just rambling about nothing. I am fucking hungry. Sorry that this post was shitty people. Stay Gloomy.     

Ultimate Sorro-Warrior, Witch Is Worst, Refuse Remembrance

WAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

Little late on my post this week. My schedule at work was a little different this week and I have actually been gaming a whole butt-load lately playing Borderlands 2 again. I don't play many games very often, but when I do play a game I play it Ultimate Warrior style. Day in, day out. No sleep, lots of food and soda. You know that kid you knew in high school who no one liked because he was such a loser and it made you puke to even think about having a bonding friendship with that person? That guy was me. And it's nice to reclaim that once auspicious chapter of my life from time to time. And it is also nice to know that a new Borderlands will be coming out in less than two months titled "Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel." I would have a hard time listing a series of games that are even close to being as fun as the Borderlands games. The story telling is magnificent, the characters are engaging and playful and the antics are sometimes crude and compelling all at once. And the inside jokes are never ending. The character I am playing as is called a "Mechromancer" who basically summons a robot pal to her side who has special abilities. But hearing my character yell "Number 5 Alive!" or "To Hell With The First Law!" always makes me chuckle. I had a dream this morning that I was a lore writer for video games. That would be a really cool job to have. Though I am sure it is very competitive and you need a lot of college experience. Being a Maggot won't get you everywhere in life...

This game is so coo...

Took them 7 years to turn
gold into lead.

I also finished all 7 seasons of "Sabrina The Teenage Witch" this week. (I know, this week has been crazy productive over here.) I actually rarely ever finish watching an entire series of any show. Usually I get bored or distracted by something before I am able to push through to the end, and often times I don't want to push through the end. I am the same way with games, I have never beaten Final Fantasy 8 and I am kind of grateful for that. It makes it extraordinary every time I pick up a controller to take that game on once ever 2 years or so. But finishing "Sabrina The Teenage Witch" made me think a lot about television shows and how they all sort of follow a similiar formula. For the most part I think we can all agree that a show is at it's best in the first 2 or 3 seasons of it's inception. Then it starts taking a shitty turn when the writers realize, "Well fuck, we have another season to write and we can't have Sabrina do something selfish every episode and have the Witch's Council get all pissed off every other minute and we can't keep having the toaster send summons and shit mail." So I don't really blame the writers for needing to progress with their shows in some way. But a small SPOILER ALERT for anyone who has not seen the last season of "Sabrina The Teenage Witch;" her aunt's leave the show and basically she becomes a shitty writer who starts dating some idiot 40 year old club owner who locks Salem (the talking cat) in a kennel carrier all fucking day, (Fuck you old dude, ANIMAL LIBERATION!!!!!!) and she hardly ever uses her magic at all. Now back to my point; at the point that essentially all the noteworthy characters on a show have checked out and the nucleus of the entire show is basically now a bloated corpse meandering in the froth of the creative pool they once drew upon, shouldn't you just give up? "Hey we had a nice run, now let's just fuck off." Would that be so bad? I know I just went on a huge rant but I guess what I am trying to say is I wish people knew sooner when would be the best time to fuck off. That being said, I am glad Sabrina and Harvey end up living happily ever after. Harvey was coo...

There was a dead fish where I was standing.

Otherwise, we started taking some footage for a Ruined music video the other day. Sky and I walked along the Grand River and took some gloomy shots after it had been raining pretty heavily. I moved a log so Sky could cross a really muddy area and as I was holding it I thought to myself, "Why does this smell like shit?" And then I remembered I was by the Grand River. Good thing I had Purell with me. But yeah that was fun, still quite a bit of work to do but that's happening. Otherwise we are still just working on our new material in preparation of heading into a studio to record. This time of year always gets my bass juices flowing. I am really looking forward to fall and I am glad we will be recording during that time. I feel way more creative and ephemeral during the colder seasons. Some of my fondest memories and first shows I played in Grand Rapids were during the fall and winter time. Dragging 80 pound amps down ice encapsulated stairwells while tripping over passed out junkie punk fucks while beer puke rains upon me. Good times. With that I shall take my own advice and fuck off. This blog post is no longer interesting at all. Stay Gloomy. 

Growing Up/Gazing Down, Tape Warm, Lightning Thrashes

I find affinity with so few people. This sailor is one of them
This is us rocking a skate-shop in Dearborn, MI 1/10/2012
Credits: Kenny Corbin for the photo

Good morning one and all! I would like to start by taking yet another opportunity to wish my dear sweet friend Graham Henning a happiest of birthdays today. On a planet with 7 billion fucking mouth-breathers Kerry King saw fit to grace us with at least one good soul amongst the decay. Unfortunately Procession was supposed to play a show 3 days ago in Detroit, but due to the extreme weather conditions we were unable to see that come to fruition. Despite being unable to play, I am hoping that it lit a flame within us all to perhaps get that band off the ground again. Next time we all have to go to NYC and meet Graham instead of him coming out to the Murder Mitten. His Capricorn heart can only take so much disappointment. It's time we bring the shoegaze battle to his doorstep.

This was a video I took of my neighbor
getting their paper the day of the defunct show.
It was fucking cold.

"It's not much, but it's mine."
My father's opening statement at
Father/Son Day in elementary school.

Otherwise, in the world of other music, the first 15 tapes for the Ruined EP "Vessel" are hot and fresh as of yesterday when I got home from work. It took me twice as long because I am recording each tape in real-time onto a 4-Track tape deck. And I apparently had only one track recording when I was supposed to have two tracks recording. Got to the very last tape and found that out. I was listening to the recordings through some old headphones my dad gave me that are from the late 70's/early 80's so I just assumed it sounded empty because the headphones were broken. Turns out I am just a fucking moron. So I had to go back and re-record every tape with two tracks instead of one. Also I recorded it off of my computer which always has that Avast anti-virus lady pop up and says loudly "Your virus database has been updated!" So if one of you gets a tape and that happens at random I apologize. Consider it like a miss-stamped coin from the U.S. Mint. A fucked up coin is worth hundreds of dollars depending on the rarity. So yeah, that shit will be Ebay gold one day. "Selling the very first tape release from the world renowned band Ruined. Features extremely rare guest vocal track from the Avast anti-virus lady. My kids are starving, the ONLY reason I would sell such a relic. Damn you children..." But I do have plans to do an online release soon I just have such few tapes available right now. I am also planning on sweetening the deal with some added goodies for the online release to help ease the pain of shipping and handling and all that junk. I want my friends abroad to be able to have something special since they probably won't see us live for a while. I would say to anyone who is interested in ordering the tape online to keep an eye out sometime mid to late next week.

Just like our live sets.
Torture...

Speaking of playing live, we are playing a show this weekend! We hopped on a few days ago but we are playing The House of Pancakes here in Grand Rapids on the 11th. Apparently it is going to be a benefit for the DAAC relocation fund. (If you are unfamiliar with what is happening with the DAAC, check out an earlier blog I posted HERE.) It is pretty cool to be a part of something like that and though it is regrettable that the touring band is unable to play the show anymore, it's also neat that all local bands will be playing in support of local D.I.Y. music. Full circle baby. Unfortunately as of right now we still only know the two songs that we played at our last show. But I am hoping to pull out a new one if we can practice tomorrow and the day of the show. I also mentioned this already, but I really need to get a van. I am getting show offers for out of town shows and I want to play them so fucking bad but logistically we just are missing pieces to our rock and roll puzzle. I am planning on filing my taxes the moment that I get the documents I need from work and then I am buying a van the moment I get that tax return money. Assuming I get anything back, if not I am kind of fucked. But I am pretty confident I will. Once we have a van, the world will seem much smaller, and a lot gloomier.