It's getting warmer here in Michigan. Last week we had weather that was in the mid 60's which is practically unheard of for this time of year. And as is the case with all transitional seasons you start to get a sense of one chapter closing and the advent of another. As for the chapter that is closing, for the most part my chapter was plebeian at best. An interminable way point that I would have preferred to eschew than experience first hand. But here I am at the withering moments of winter and I have little to reflect upon. It was a shitty, arduous winter and I am glad that change is on the horizon. Not that I think that other people are out doing all kinds of wonderful things during the cold seasons. I don't see many snow orgies on my commute home. I don't often see flyers for workshops entitled, "Icicle Incantations: Sparking Sexual Interplay With Frosty Phallus's" when I am window shopping. But I wish I was in a position to travel more to warmer climates in the the winter months and cooler climates in the summer months. If I could go on 2 month tours during both those seasons I would always go to places people least expect. Winter's here? Let's tour the Amazon basin. Summer's coming? Let's tour only Eskimo villages. Perhaps one day Kerry King willing.
Don't let my usual whining set you astray though. For the most part, I am in relatively high spirits lately. Ruined is in the studio recording and we are going on tour with Planning for Burial in May which is fucking incredible. How a fuckhead like me gets to be on the same bill with one of the best musicians/people out there for three nights in a row is beyond me. Also I recently have found renewed fealty to my peers here in Grand Rapids as well. I don't know if I will ever be a social Czar here but I am glad people are willing to pull through for me even though I am a penurious and accursed shitbag. I feel it's worth mentioning though that when I am on tour I am far more amicable and even conciliatory to everyone around me. I genuinely enjoy the company of humanity overall when I am on the road. And the main explanation for that being that I pretty much hate not being on tour and every moment spent static takes an egregious toll on my self-worth. So basically I am in a better mood when I am on the road and I don't hate people in such a piercing or relentless way. Also I am less likely to deal with yuppies and normo's every fucking day when I am playing punk basements and hipster havens. Then again I hate punks and hipsters too...and I am usually really tired after I play a set so I get grumpy...yeah you know what forget all that I am just a fuckshitter. I am just the way Kerry King made me.
Legitimate Gloom.
Forever
With that tour on the horizon it gives me something to look forward to which is really all life is. Or at least living within Western culture; a whole bunch of bullshit and the occasional reprieve only to be cast back down into the depths of despair. But knowing that the tour is coming up in a couple of months I have begun trying to eat better and exercise. I have to really kick it up a notch because not only do I have to build my stamina for our set every night, but I also have to keep the pit open during the entirety of Planning for Burial's set. It's going to be tough to keep a bunch of gloom fucks and sad saps moving in the pit. They will be emotionally subverted and therefore physically devitalized. It'll be my job to maintain what I like to call "Pit Velocity." I will encourage others to crawl onto me and stab me with ceremonial daggers and we will all cry and puke blood until there is no more sanguine fluid to spill. It will be glorious. I should probably start training, stay gloomy.
It's March again. I decided a long time ago that March is my least favorite month of the year. I usually consider myself to be a fall/winter kind of guy more than a spring/summer. Any season that causes more sorrow than hope is alright by me. But for those of you who don't live in Michigan or the great white North our winters tend to push far into our other seasons. So I start to get burnt out with all the frigid wind and window scraping around this time. March is just a shitty ass month where it is close enough to spring to make you look forward but far enough away that it just pisses you the fuck off. The first day of spring is in March but that means dick up here. The closest I have ever come to being in a car accident was when I was 17 and I spun out during a sleet storm and it was the middle of April. Pretty much the only good March I have ever had was when I was in Europe. Three years ago today I was in Madrid, Spain having the time of my life. I should really start writing in my journal again so I can document all the stuff I don't do these days.
Their dates make more sense. Day/Month/Year.
Fuck this is depressing me to watch.
I need to go back.
It isn't all bad news though. I do have a few things on the horizon to look forward to. One thing in particular has me pretty jazzed but I am waiting until all our ducks are in a row before I announce it. I have this habitual nature about me that I get too far ahead of myself. But I also feel that most people don't get ahead of themselves at all. And they don't take any risks or ever run head first into the mist. I was having a talk the other day about being a musician and what that entails. The unfortunate imbalance that happens usually is that your bank account will always be plundered by passion. Most people can't imagine being broke as fuck and simultaneously be planning a road trip at the same time. I would say unequivocally that the average "musician" is not cut out for it and they are too terrified of not playing things safe. But really is that the way you would want it? Would you want to only play shows within a 50 mile radius of where you live and have the record executive happen to show up and sign you on the spot? Where's the fucking fun in that? We all see it happen, where people get handed all the right trappings for doing the wrong deeds. I don't even think they realize what a simple journey they had to go on to obtain their fame. I have said it a million times on here before but I believe that life is about having a wealth of experiences and not fiscal worth. I would rather spend 5 years playing only sewage treatment plant basements and have all the shit filled memories than miss out on them. My main point I was getting at is all to often I believe people try to cripple passionate people for whatever their reasons. Usually they just don't understand the concept of being broke all the time. They need that security and that financial barrier in order to sleep at night. Meanwhile 30 years from now they'll look back and wonder what the fuck they did with their lives while I'll hopefully be on my 37th world shit depository tour "Open Up The Shit Pit Tour 2045." As a musician I rely heavily on the favors of others (booking shows, letting us sleep on their floor, feeding us etc.) And I have come to realize I need to reach out more to people to show my gratitude for these favors. But all in all if you know someone who is passionate about something I implore you to show them support the best you can and think twice before you try and make them feel bad about themselves. If their ambivalence to fiscal responsibilities annoys you so much just remember that they probably sleep on concrete floors and eat lint regularly. It's punishment enough.
Get this pumped.
Onto the insipid Ruined update you all look forward to. It does feel good to have actual things to talk about now. I feel like this will be a good year for Ruined. I haven't even done an update since we hit the studio I realize. Overall the studio experience was great. We recorded at Amber Lit Audio here in Grand Rapids and it is a really great place to record. It is right on the Grand River next to a train bridge. You can almost smell the rotting crust kid flesh it's that close. We tracked everything live aside from the vocals and I was mystified by the sounds we captured with both the bass and the drums. All the recordings we have had so far was just me alone in my room dicking around with a hand recorder. My bass was muddy and it took a lot of work to make it sound even that shitty. But now before we did any mixing it already had that ethereal effervescence while still maintaining the seismic bellow of my live sound. We got together two days ago and did a quick mix of one of the songs we recorded "Some Years Don't Matter." To the 7 fans we have you will recognize 2 out of the 4 songs we recorded and I hope you'll enjoy the deja vu. But otherwise we should be receiving our first mixes within the week and then I can begin the ritual of listening to them over and over again for several hours everyday. I will keep you all abreast of our progress as it happens. Until then, Stay Gloomy.
Playing Tony Hawk on New Years. This is my demon face.
I got a PS3 the other week and believe it or not I have been getting out of my room a lot lately. Out of the frying pan and into the dog smelling living room one might say. I once again have been really get back in touch with my nerd roots. Though I consider myself a PC gamer till the day I die, (Note to self: "True Till CPU" throat tattoo? Mull over this more later...) I do enjoy reclaiming my con-"soul" if you will. I used to play console when I was a wee lad back in the potato fields of Conklin long before I had a computer of my own. First we got a Sega Genesis, then a Playstation, then a Playstation 2 and that's pretty much where I have been sitting for oh I don't know the last 13 years or so. Despite a new shinier PS4 being on the market now, I am thrilled to finally have a PS3 of my own. And I am sure that by the time I get burnt out on the PS3 games I have, the PS5 will by coming out making the egregious price of the PS4 fall from it's pinnacle into the depths of lower middle class affordability. Like insatiable demons we will claw ravenously at it's molded carapace and absorb it's visceral power. Until then, we shall lie in wait at the edge of the woods before the gilded fortress of yuppie larvae who's parent's can afford next-gen systems.
Game without shame.
This sums up our current musical environment.
I got into a conversation yesterday about music. More specifically about the "shoegaze" revival that appears to be happening/has been happening the last few years. I noticed a few people in my feed on my various social networking sites complaining about having less shoegaze bands in the coming year. In a lot of ways I agree with them and like any genre of music it all comes back every few years as each wave of bands who were inspired by the last wave come washing over us all as a raging unstoppable plague. I am more interested in this because I have been playing in shoegaze bands since I was 18 years old. I would say only one of them was a more typical vision of what shoegaze is, (we were called Procession, check it out HERE if you are unfamiliar.) And I have no doubt that had we continued to carry the shoegaze flag into battle years ago we would probably be at least a semi-recognizable band right now. We would probably be touring regularly with many of the typical shoegaze bands you all here about these days. And who knows, that could still come to fruition some day but for now that seems unlikely. But I have been hugely influenced by shoegaze and I think that is apparent in the music I write. So I don't really want to feel guilty or like a poser for pulling some shoegaze out of my toolbox from time to time especially since I have been sharpening my shoegaze blade for almost a decade now. That being said, I think the label shoegaze and indeed many music taxonomies cover a very broad and at times vague description of what a band sounds like. And to anyone who hates "Labels" and think their "Music transcends any Earthly characterization" then you can just blow it out your ass. Personally I love hearing what people think a band "is." The way a person experiences a piece of music is completely unique to that person and that moment in time. Where this rant is heading is essentially to say that though I have a deep appreciation of shoegaze music I think each person who loves it needs to take that passion and mold it into something unique in their own music. RUINED for example, I call us a gloomgaze band because to me that sums it up in a vague way that other people can take or leave. It's also a classification that doesn't have a strong tangible interpretation yet. But when I use hashtags or whatever the fuck those things are with things like #shoegaze, #gloomgaze, #bleak metal, etc. I am using them the way they should be used, an ambiguous umbrella terminology that people who have little, some or a lot of musical experience can interpret and make a judgement call on whether we are worth listening to or caring about. All in all, my point people need to worry less about what these labels mean and take them in stride. But believe me, I am sick of hearing about it too. Most modern bands called shoegaze are garbage and over embellished turds. And so if you think I'm a poser calling my band shoegaze I'll understand that. And if I sit in your lap and shit on you don't take it personal. God hates us all.
Maybe he wouldn't be selfish...
As always I am burnt out again. I have no good ending to this and I just want to go master fatalities in Mortal Kombat. But if Mortal Kombat was real, who would you want to be? I feel like you can tell a lot about a person depending on the character they would want to be in Mortal Kombat. Like if a guy would want to be Sub-Zero they might be a selfish lover. And if they want to be Scorpion that person would be so needy and overbearing constantly wanting you to "GET OVER HERE!!!!" I don't know who I would be, I like Kenshi a lot though. It would not be very cool to be blind but having telekinetic powers would be cool. And his martial arts style is Tai Chi so you know he is probably a nice well rounded person. I don't know, something to think about when you are going to bed tonight. Don't stay up too late though, Shao Kahn isn't going to defeat himself. I am really coo. Stay gloomy.
Hello again one and all. Not sure how in depth I will get today or how real shit will be but we'll just get going and see what happens. I kind of just want to drink coffee, play World of Warcraft and listen to Rammstein. Yeah I play World of Warcraft again and I gotta say I have been having a blast. Much like Diablo 3, Blizzard has done a great job of cleaning up the shitty aspects of their games and listen to player suggestions. With that being said I pretty much fucking hate every person on the fucking game. It is seldom that I can play an hour without hearing a racial slur or a misogynistic annotation being broadcast. Things like this make me reflect from time to time on why I identify with certain sub-cultures even though I pretty much hate every person beneath my banner more than the rest of the world. Complacent vegans prancing around like they are going to save everyone or sanctimonious straight edge kids who feel that alienation is the greatest form of outreach. I'd say for every one of the cohorts I meet in these circles that I like, I hate probably seventeen others. May nothing but sorrow and squalor befell them and their ilk. But gamers are probably some of the biggest pieces of shit on Earth. There was a time when I felt like gaming was a safe haven for the outcasts and reprobates of the world. But it has now become a place for bloated ultra cretins who have given up on companionship and would rather troll everyone and everything. Or it is a place for the frat guy who blows off some steam after a failed date rape attempt by pwning noobs in Call of Duty. I would say that the solution would be to put JEWEL WASP larvae in the next batch of Gamer Fuel and hope all these cockroaches are dragged to the nearest burrow and eaten alive beneath the cold soil. But please, leave my Code Red alone.
I love this band. This band and Tool
are my WoW playlist.
In other news, lots of changes in the Ruined camp this week. We had a practice last night and we worked really hard on a new song that we have been working on. It's different than a lot of our material but we are both having a lot of fun working out the kinks. We also play in a room that was built on top of our garage that has absolutely no insulation or heating so we are building a shitload of character every time we practice now. (See my last post about the glorious merits of Northern character building.) I did buy a few of those hand-warmer things that react to air and they were a big help. You know that thing Elizabeth Banks was using in "Zack and Miri Make A Porno?" The thing that got lodged in Seth Rogen's taint? Love that movie, such a sweet soundtrack. But I was feeling like the Lich King one minute and the breath of Deathwing the next! WoW reference! ROFLCOPTER!!! But yeah I tossed one of those in my pajama pants and would put my hand in there between songs and it helped out a shitload. But after practice we sat and had a talk about future plans. And afterwards I think we both felt a lot better about our long term goals. As of right now, we are going to push back recording our full length for a bit for several reasons. First of all, I don't think we have enough of a following that anyone would really give a shit about a full length coming out. I would rather hold off and get more people interested before dropping that shit like it's hot. Secondly, as of right now we have no recordings of us as a duo to send into labels who would maybe be interested in putting said full length out. So our plan now is we are going to record another EP in the next month that will probably get released independently as a way of gaining interest with both the general gloom masses and so we can have a solid "demo" if you can call it that to send to labels. Now for all the die hard Ruined fans out there who have already carved "Kill God" into their arms don't get too excited. This EP will most likely have 3 songs on it, 2/3 of which are songs that I previously recorded by myself in my room. Now that third song will most likely be the brand new one we have been working on so if you have your headphones on and a belt tied around your neck anxiously awaiting new material you are in luck! You will be able to achieve gloom-gasm once again soon! But for the most part we wanted to finally have a recording that would be a better representation of our overall sound and capture more of that live essence that makes us worth talking about around the water cooler back at Gloom HQ.
When in Rome. Creep out tourists.
Today I will leave you with a nostalgic rant. You know how everyone knows that person who has been to Europe and they come back and it's all they talk about? And they won't shut up about how much better it is there and that they can't wait to go back? Well I have tried really hard the last 2 or 3 years not to be that guy. But the other day I got caught up watching old videos from the tour I did with BEARTRAP and WITCH CULT of our 59 shows in 60 days across the majority of Europe and I just got so fucking pumped. And you know what, this is my damn blog and I can say whatever the fuck I feel like so please feel free to tune out. I miss it so much over there. Everyone loves music and will listen to everything and rock to every band that comes to town especially if they are from another country. We are nothing like that over here, so fucking jaded. My pals from Europe, (if you're reading this Dean, Mazz and Fee I miss you all deeply,) talk about coming over here and I want them to but at the same time I know it would fucking honk for them. They'd make shit money and no one would give a fuck. But I also miss the raw aggression of playing hardcore/powerviolence music. I don't think I would ever start a band like that or become a permanent member but I would love to fill in again for a tour like that. I emerged from my shell a lot more becoming a part of that culture for a brief amount of time. And though it was frustrating and lonely at times I wouldn't pass up another opportunity like that for anything. I don't really have any point to all this other than occasionally I think we all need to ignore the advice of others, say fuck it to our jobs and financial security and just go fucking do something with our lives. Stay free, stay alive and stay gloomy.
Another gloomy ass day here in Michigan. I slept 12 hours last night and I believe I am finally caught up on my sleep now. I have been pretty run down the last few days since I went and saw Primus in Detroit on Monday. Needless to say the show was incredible and I can't believe it took me so long to finally see them live. But I didn't get home until about 2 am and I had to be up for work 4 hours later. So I was pretty fucked up the last couple of days but I think I feel better now. I know everyone says this about celebrities or musicians they love but I really think that I would love hanging out with Les Claypool. We seen really like minded in some ways. He is kind of whacky and weird, but he is actually gloomy as fuck. He was explaining that the song "Mrs. Blaileen" was about a kid in his class who killed another kid. I wish he would have talked more I wanted to hear about each song. He did call out this stupid jam-band fuckwad in the front row who was whipping everyone around him with his dreads it was great. On the drive home we talked about scary moments from our childhoods and how we should all start a gun club. Perhaps the two topics were connected in some way I can't recall. But overall it was a great experience and I can't wait until the next time they come to town so I can get in the pit and try to love someone.
Gloom warrior in whacky clothing.
In other news our nation hit the polls on Tuesday. I am not going to go on a political rant here because I believe politics are the vapid manifestations of craven harbingers and heartless manipulators. No my topic today is not about the cogs of democracy or the illusion of power but more so the cohabitation of thoughtful individuals. For the most part, especially when it comes to politics, I have kept a general "To each their own" philosophy. I know that there is little point in arguing with someone about our opposing perspectives on whether or not the president will put tariffs on imported mule piss or whether or not the senate will pass the "Kill All Brown People" bill. At the end of the day, both people are just going to get mad and accomplish jack shit. But as I said for the most part I am quite ambivalent on what people choose to do whether they choose to vote or not vote. After all God hates us all and we're all going to rot one day so why pid a paddum if you don't have to? But every couple of years when the trench coat of political process opens and shows us all it's perverted amalgamated manhood I am left exasperated from my peers. There is something incredibly personal about the act of participating in political agenda isn't there? I can only tell you from personal experience but I promise that I could tell a religious person, "Hey, your God is a farse and you're a fucking idiot." And they would get offended but for the most part would likely disregard what I said and find comfort in knowing I will burn forever and they will not. But dare it be suggested that someone just doesn't give a fuck either way, it is earth shattering. I have lost friendships, had relationships fall apart and even had a dad slap me repeatedly because of my political abstention. I had no issue with their choice to include themselves in something I didn't believe in, but they could not see through to let me follow my own path. And one thing I have learned is the ideologically we would all live in the gray and be open to all other thoughts and opinions and never tip the scale. But realistically that is not the world we live in, and true balance is the polar magnetism of opposition. I could of course go on an even longer rant but in summation, just please leave me the fuck alone about that shit. And yeah, fuck voting. Thanks.
Our album release party.
Otherwise, a small Ruined update before I go find some food. We finished a new song last night and overall I am really excited about it. It's really different for us in some ways. It's kind of disgustingly heavy and at the same time progressive in parts. I am excited to play it live on day and it will hopefully make people's bowels release at every gig. We'll go on the "Shit Kicker Tour" and become legends across the globe overnight. With that song in the bag though we plan on writing one more song that is in the vein of a solid "typical" Ruined song which will pretty much wrap up our full length material. I have a couple of other tracks to solidify and we will be working over the next couple months to hammer out all the material we have but we hope to hit the studio early next year. I cannot wait to get this record done and buy a van and hit the road fucking hard. I want to try and go to the west coast and back next spring and maybe do a tour of the south also. These of course are all pipe dreams right now but I feel like I just need to push through this winter and maybe the things I have been striving for will finally come to fruition. Look at me, getting all hopeful and shit. That's fucky man. Stay Gloomy.
I have just begun pulling myself out of a recent funk. For some reason the last 4 or 5 days I have had a listless and anxious feeling at the same time. I can't exactly put my finger on what was bothering me. I was having strange dreams and a sense of dread followed me wherever I went. I am constantly having to remind myself to encourage my other hobbies and interests that aren't music. Such as reading books, working out or just doing things that I don't normally do. Overall I had a great sense of neurosis, which I have learned is a guiding light in my life. It is a connection to my unconscious; a missive that reminds me that my life is out of balance. I believe that my maladies have been laid to rest for now with a stirring of my cerebral semblance. My dejection stems from a relentless criticality that haunts and galvanizes me since as long as I can remember. Which is why I can never go to shows that I don't play at. I went to see This Will Destroy You last week and it was cool. But I would say that my despondency began the night of that show. I have a great sense of joy while watching the show but also a strong sense of sadness wishing I could be doing what they are doing. People have always told me I am fucking stupid for feeling that way and that I should just go see my friends bands and be supportive and blah blah blah fuck you no cheers. Which in principle I agree and I often times wish I could overcome my own hang ups and just go have fun. But then I remember that God hates us all and No Fun Not Ever.
Great record.
Thom and Dan interview in it's purest form.
Which speaking of No Fun Not Ever, I listened to "Deathconciousness" by Have A Nice Life and "Desideratum" by Planning for Burial at work today and I finally was able to listen to the maiden broadcast of the first Legrand Society podcast by Enemies List Home Recordings when I got home. Dan Barrett of Have A Nice Life interviews Thom Wasluck of Planning For Burial and it was a lot of fun to listen to. There was a few parts that really struck a harmony with me, the first one was when they were talking about sets going shitty and coming off the stage and being able to face the compliments of others. This is something I have struggled with a lot and I have had multiple people tell me that I need to cut it out. In summation they were basically saying that 9 times out of 10 most people never would notice if your set went badly, and that if they approach you after a show and say "Great set!" and you respond with "Fuck you shit-shark. Get some new fucking ears." You essentially do two things: You manipulate their perception and memory of your set even if they loved it, and you in essence are calling them a fucking idiot who has no taste. Which so far I would say that at least 1/3 of the people who talk to me after a show have no fucking clue what they just saw and are just sort of conforming to social norms. Which I still appreciate that they took the time to approach me and let me know it was cool to watch. But I don't sense that I had any genuine affect on their life in any real way. Which is very subjective and I have no way of knowing how piercing or temporal any interaction can be. But at the same time, I don't think I am behooving anyone by shitting on my own set. I should try to be more neutral about my emotions if a set did go shitty but it really is tough.
So true.
Now enough introspective reflection, I think it's time I just complain about some shit that bugged me the other day. I have been noticing a transference of people seeking wisdom from their peers in the form of anonymous messaging via Tumblr or some other social networking. The anonymous option when messaging people to me is a dangerous veil. Because to me, if I can't contact someone without hiding behind a shroud of anonymity then I probably shouldn't be saying what I am saying. That reveals that my tidings are venomous and abhorrent. Which I'm sure we have all seen posts like this and have been disturbed. But I am also really annoyed that I see people all the time asking other people anonymously about life advice or guidance. Which normally these people are trying to find affirmation from people they find attractive but from behind a creepy curtain and distant scope. And now these sages of modern times are completely oblivious and are the definition of narcissistic necessity. They have no concern for these people and their adulation is merely a rotting corpse at the foot of their throne of vanity. I know I am kind of flying off the handle and not making any sense anymore so I will just be blunt. If you need advice about something, don't ask some random fuck you don't even know and their ability to post selfies does not signify that they are any closer to self actualization than you. And to the false pontificating prophets of the interwebs, make like a tree and fuck off. Don't pretend that you care about these faceless few who reach out from the shadows to pine over you. You are not charming, you are not thoughtful, you are nothing special. Stay Gloomy.
Alright I just woke up from a nap so I am feeling pretty groggy and shitty. I am sipping on some coffee and listening to some noir-as-fuck jams right now so this post could go anywhere. I am quite languid at the moment so I am not sure if my typical bubbling rage will reach the surface or not but who knows. I am listening to the album "Sunset Mission" by this band called Bohren and Der Club of Gore. As you can imagine they are German and it is some of the best shit I have heard in a long time. Ambient jazz mixed with sultry soundscapes and avant-garde electronics. Watch out Scorpions, and hold onto your flame shooting cod pieces Rammstein, there's a new cowboy in town. Well, like 15 years ago they were new but still. Not the type of band I would expect to come out of Germany though. My experience with playing shows in Germany was a place of kindhearted natures and fellowship. Minus the fact that they didn't seem to grasp the concept of holding doors open for people. Everywhere else I went in Europe when I would be carrying an 80 pound cab most people (despite the language barrier) would sense that I would appreciate if they held the door open. I couldn't even get people to move out of the way in a crowded room I had to just gently barrel into them and they'd look at me like I was the asshole. Yeah in fact I would say I felt genuinely ignored the entire time I was in that country so fuck that kindhearted thing I said earlier. Now I am just mumbling about nothing though and should probably move on. ONWARD!
Bomb ass ambiance.
Coo...
I have had a much more placid repose as of late. As many of you know I am often times crushed by an asphyxiating sense of urgency to make my goals become realities. Primarily when it comes to my music and the distance I wish to go with my music. Yet often times I find myself picking up my bass and feeling arid and listless. Often times this is due to the demanding mental and physical strain of my job. If my co-workers weren't so coo I would probably be found in a psychiatric ward sobbing and eating my own excrement. To anyone reading this who ever buys food from anywhere, could you stop being such fucking shit-hammers? It's just food okay? Sure being hungry honks, but the sun will explode one day and your body will be torn asunder by a solar flare so intense that your eyes will become liquid mercury and you will choke where you stand as your lungs ignite like thermite as your chest cavity becomes another Hindenburg tragedy. You will be left nothing more that an ashen prodigality and none of this shit will matter anymore. Which if your anything like me that gives me great comfort and fills me with a sense of calm. But when I am not feeling these urgent and onerous sensations I have been taking great joy in the little things that life has to offer. I have been watching South Park a lot again lately which reconnects me with my teenage years. I have been doing a lot of research again for some new pedals I am interested in getting which gives me something to look forward to. And I have been gaming periodically still which always helps me escape the burdens of everyday life.
Me 36 hours from now.
And on the subject of gaming, I have posted this a few times online already. But starting tomorrow night I will be gaming for 24 HOURS STRAIGHT with my brother as a charity event for Helen Devos Children's Hospital. I have almost reached my goal but if any of you would like to donate and help me close the gap I would greatly appreciate it. Feel free to DONATE HERE and any donation would be greatly appreciated. I am not as young as I once was and this is going to be quite a journey. My brother plans to stream our progress via Twitch.tv and I will be sure to post that tomorrow when we get all set up. Now that I have gotten my charitable bit out of the way, fuck everybody and God hates us all. Stay Gloomy.
I skipped last week for various reasons. The leading reason being that I had a really boring week and had nothing to talk about. You see my life is quite monotonous and I have been spending my days either slaying demons, slaying dragons or occasionally slaying demonic dragons. Or I am at work facing the yuppie invasion that is ArtPrize. Luckily there is only a few more days left and we can be safe once more until next harvest. I don't know what is worst, the young naive yuppie larva or the pious elderly arthropods who expelled the amniotic sac the yuppies breached in order to ruin my fucking day. These aren't the elders I grew up around, these people are the definition of privilege. They believe everything should be handed to them because of their AARP status, "The Grand Marshall of Bag Balm." I have always respected the wisdom of those older than me, but these are just the vacuous husks of the same boring shitty people we all despise today. The yuppies of today will be the arbitrary and mercurial pissants of tomorrow. All of my grandparents were industrious, loving and forgiving people who knew a lot about living simply and within our means. If I get one more seasoned woman ripping my head off because her hazelnut coffee is "Too hazelnutty" or another wretch of a man barking "If I don't get four quarters I will never come here again!" I will howl to the unforgiving sky and shot-put their broken bodies into the nearest bee hive. In the words of George Carlin, "Fuck these boomers, fuck these yuppies, and fuck everybody now that I think of it."
Necro-Baby and I at the gig.
In brighter news Ruined played with Jucifer last Monday and it went really fucking well. Sky and I were both a little nervous about playing at a new venue that is meant for "big boy" bands. We also weren't sure how well received we would be since it was going to be mostly a bar crowd. I have never liked playing bar shows and up to this point every bar show I had ever played went really shitty. But for those of you not familiar with the venue here in Grand Rapids called The Pyramid Scheme it is actually a cool joint. The biggest upside for me was that the venue is separate from the main bar area and you have to pay to get into the venue. The only reason this is cool is that it increases the likelihood that only people interested in music will be allowed in. So it keeps a lot of the shitasses who just want to sit and try and get laid our of the mix. There is still a small bar within the venue but for the most part anyone in the room is there to actually WATCH the bands play. As always though as soon as I grabbed my bass and got my game face on it all felt really natural and we sounded good and the set went really smooth. We ended the set with a cover of "Too Many Puppies" by Primus that I am pretty sure took everyone by surprise. Needless to say too Jucifer's set was fucking mind blowing. By that point I was getting extremely tired though since I am normally in bed by 9 o'clock cause I am a fucking loser. But I look forward to hopefully playing there again in the future.
"Too many puppies are taught to heel."
Me everyday during
my early 20's.
In gloomy ass news I made the mistake of reflecting upon old memories and past miseries. Though my station in life is rooted in a more stable sense of emotional permanence, I can't help but have a sense of longing for mistakes I may have made or at least for never seeking resolution with certain people who perhaps held an important role in my past. I talk about this a lot; how some people are just shit-turds who will never change or listen to reason. And though we may seek sanctuary from having to face these people ever again, the fact remains that their impact still haunts us to this very day. We all have varying degrees that we almost seem to seek out discontentment and even are drawn to people who make us regret every interaction with them. Some people are completely fine with avoiding people who they know in their hearts and minds as being completely unstable and not worth interacting with. But for me, I still bubble beneath the surface now and then with the curiosity of wondering where people are and even wish I had handled things differently so we could at least be on speaking terms. But alas I know that most likely this will all fade into vapor and I will return to my daily thoughts of hatred and insecurity with the world around me. I only mention this as to give strength to others and to receive it back in kindness when facing my own personal demons. I don't have any wise words for those of you dealing with a similar internal struggle, all I can say is that my mind has a firm and rational hold on my current life. I have a clear vision of how I need to live my life and to whom I need to steer from to stay bound to tepid existence. But my soul's desires will always be enigmatic at best. A turbid maelstrom of faith and doubt. I must spend out my days seeking balance within the dichotomy of my spiritual wisdom. I know that this whole thing was vague, confusing and overall a waste of you time. But I just needed to express myself and I enjoy ranting from time to time. Anyways, forever and always. Stay Gloomy.
Woke up later than expected this morning. It was our first officially cold morning here in Michigan. It was nice to throw pajama pants on and a Pokemon sweater right away and head downstairs to brew some nice hot coffee. I have been anxious to jump into the Fall framework this year and have acquired provisions for this most gratifying season. I went into Yankee Candle the other day and bought a few Fall themed candles to get in the spirit of things. I walked in and it was only myself and the clerk which I always find myself walking on egg shells in a place like that. First of all, the last time I was in there I broke a 30 dollar candle on accident because I lifted from the lid like an idiot. But also I am of course looking like a Maggot and wondering around the store trying to let my olfactories take in all the emanations. I could tell the clerk was nervous and assumed that I planned to make a "Five Finger Discount" for myself whereby she would have to give me the "Five Finger Death Punch." A battle would ensue in the Yankee Candle Fortress and the Candle Commandos would rush in but I would cut them off at the bridge that allowed passage over the great Melted Wax Moat. Alas eventually I would be overwhelmed and would be trapped in a giant jar where I would await my "scentence." I would be transmogrified into an exclusive scent and sold to the Scent Barons for my transgressions. He who controls the scent, controls the universe. Which beckons the question, if you were made into a Yankee Candle; what would your scent be? They had all kinds of crazy ass scents, one section being limited to only "Man Scents." Which for any of you who don't frequent the land of Yankee Candle the scents included: Mmm Bacon, Man Town, Ale Beer and of course Camouflage. Who the fuck would want their house to smell like bacon? I work in food service, believe me you don't want your clothes smelling like bacon. "Yes I am looking for a candle that is between "Rotting Corpse" and "Tar Pit," any suggestions?" "...Right this way..." And what would "Camouflage" smell like? I would imagine it would have to be what Predator's dreads smelled like. Or Arnold Schwarzenegger covered in mud. Either way, win win right there. I would have to imagine my scent would have to be somewhere between "Burnt Bible" and "Blood Soaked Urinal." The possibilities are endless. But eventually I broke the ice with the clerk when I noticed a 300 dollar candle keg and had to inquire about it. She seemed extremely bored and told me all about this legendary candle. Apparently she has only ever seen one person by one of these and that is burns for over 115 hours and that she is constantly telling people to put it down because they want to take selfies with it and that...hmm...I just realized I have spent an exorbitant amount of time talking about my visit to Yankee Candle. I guess I need to get out more.
Bet that'd smell good.
My childhood.
Moving on! What else can I waste your time with...I suppose it should be mentioned that today is of course the anniversary of the World Trade Center attacks. I don't feel like going on a long rant about that but I will let George Carlin rant for me in the video below. It has also been three years since my Grandpa passed away. He was a good guy who in coalescence with my Grandmother taught me a lot about compassion and the symbiosis that humans can find with animals. My Grandpa and Grandma ran a rescue for Siberian Huskies and my Grandfather was at the time of his death the oldest dogsled racer in Michigan. I always had such a mystic and whimsical fascination and admiration with my Grandparents unwavering love they had for another species and that stuck with me. As in most cases you don't realize how much someone affected your life until you are no longer able to tell them so. Many of you may know by now I am not very vocal about the things I love and focus more so on the things I despise. And I don't expect most people to understand my perspectives on things. But I feel that I am actually a very compassionate person though I may be private about my feelings more often than not. And I am not embarrassed or discouraged to express those feelings when they come to be. But I just hope that the few people I do care about know that I think of them often and am consumed by longing and regret for my absence from their lives.
Gone too soon.
I searched "RPG Nerd"
and found this.
Wow that got way more cereal than I intended. Lets keep this gloom train rolling! I will leave off with once again a small Ruined update. We practiced last night for the first time in a while but we have a set time slot now so we will hopefully be burning through new material at a much faster pace. We have the pieces aligned for most of the material that will be on our upcoming full length. It will probably be a couple more months before we hit the studio but I see the twinklings of magical gloom fairy dust peaking upon the horizon. Fall will forever be my most creative and ambitious time of year. Something about everything dying and the impeding winter of woe really kicks me in the ass and makes me want to play more. In fact I also got a new fuzz pedal last night which sounds really fucking cool. I used to think I would never be a pedal board guy but it has been so much fun researching and finding new and exciting pieces to add to my gloom arsenal. It is a lot like gearing a character in an RPG but in real life! I have my "6-String Axe of Anguish" with +666 Heresy Bonus and instant Mana Burn. My "Delay Pedal of Lost Memories" that saps Mental Health Regeneration for all I come in contact with. And now my "Fuzz Pedal of Infinite Laceration" that gives an Armor Piercing boost with a 47% chance to cause enemies to flee. I am hoping to have most of my rig set up when recording time comes around so I can reproduce sounds from the record live. Though Ruined is "The Band That Grand Rapids Forgot" our gloom works like a Space Marine spearhead; "One unbreakable shield against the coming darkness. One last blade, forged in defiance of fate. Let it be my legacy to the galaxy I conquered. And my final gift to the species I failed." Essentially, we're going to fuck shit up. Stay Gloomy.
Nice and gloomy day here in Michigan! I was stirred from my sleep this morning by the sound of thunder and the drowning death-rattles of yuppies being swept away by the rising flood of rain like a caustic river through the ruptured thoroughfare and passageways of this fair city! Instead of being met by the unforgiving sea; our ill-fated friends spiraled beneath the very crust of the Earth herself deep into the 8th circle of Hell reserved for vapid frauds and were tucked away in the furthest cantos as Sowers of Discord! My compatriots and I shall laugh from our tall and vast cliff narrows in the 6th circle buried alive in our flaming tombs of heresy! It shall be glorious! Alas it would be, if any of it were true. The thunder part was true at least and that was nice. And as always I would like to remind you all of the beautiful dichotomy that we have the heartening experience of enjoying on days like today. As a person who hates going out into the world and most likely would feel completely at home building a fortress in the Mariana Trench with a high speed internet connection and a tour submersible; days like today are a Kerry King send. At this chapter of my life most people know not to bother with asking me to go do anything for any reason at any time, but the expectation is loosened even further on a day like today when no one wants to leave their prospective dwellings. My point being that gloomy, rainy and even shitty days should be celebrated with a reserved sense of reciprocity with the universe and the balance of our humors. A somber calm is just as important as a joyful exuberance.
"Opposition brings concord. Out of discord
comes the fairest harmony. " -Heraclitus
Our gloom shall drink
your rivers dry.
Now what else is happening in the desolate catacomb that is my life. I was feeling really sick and shitty yesterday at work. The night before I started feeling that sore and overall uncomfortable feeling you get when you have a cold or flu. Which of course made it impossible to sleep that night and I felt 10 times worst yesterday from it. I feel a lot better today though so that's coo. Otherwise I had to officially cancel a tour I was booking for Ruined this November. The pieces just were not falling into place, the main one being that I don't have a vehicle therefore short of having a gloom army carry us across the country like Xerxes in "300" it wasn't in the cards. I was hoping to have that situation remedied by now but you know how things go, once the craft beer starts flowing it is tough to save money living in Beer City USA. Which is why it is also understandable why not a single bourgeoisie shit-waffle can tip my shit-ass. Who can afford it when you have all these breweries popping up all over town like great obtuse obelisks beckoning you forward and taxing your resources away? Speaking of bourgeoisie, I have been watching the show "Frasier" a lot lately and I honestly think it's funny as fuck. It almost makes me want to move to the great Northwest Territory. It rains all the time, Wolves in the Throne Room are from there, and the pine trees outnumber the craft beer barbarians. At least from what I have been told.
I consider Ricky to be a sage of sorts.
I will admit I was disappointed having to cancel that tour. But I realized that there is no reason to be upset about something that is simply out of my control. I have been working the same job for the past 2 years and I am only just now feeling like I am getting on my feet. I still live check to check and have no intention of having a savings account any time soon. In fact I am under the presumption that I will always dwell in the proverbial shit-shack beneath the crushing capitalist citadels. But given the time I am confident I will sort something out for us. On the bright side we have been working on a music video that is coming along nicely. We recorded some footage last night that turned out pretty gloomy. I think editing that eventually will be a constructive use of my time and will distract myself from delving into my self-deprecating thoughts. I have also been trying to book some more shows around Grand Rapids and have not had much luck. I'd like to get a good repose going with the Michigan Gloom Alliance but it's slow going so far. Once again I feel like I am just rambling about nothing. I am fucking hungry. Sorry that this post was shitty people. Stay Gloomy.
I am drinking Zakk Wylde's brand of coffee right now. It's called "Valhalla Java" and it's pretty tasty. I have always really liked Zakk Wylde believe it or not. I never really liked any bands he was in but I appreciated his talent and abilities. And I actually saw an interview with him when I was a teenager and the biggest advice he gave to aspiring musicians was "Get a metronome, and play every fucking day." Simple words but that always stuck with me. Say what you want about that dude but he practices every damn day and shits on phony "weekend warrior" musicians. I wish I had his drive and ambition, I used to when I was a younger lad. By the time I am out of work and I take my nap and drink a tall mug of "Valhalla Java" coffee I am still too wore out to play for longer than a few minutes a night. I do try and make a point to play at least 10 minutes a day if nothing else. It may not be much but I am a strong believer in the strength of muscle memory and our brains synapses. Keeps shit locked down. But of course that's why when I was 17 I could play almost anything on bass and now I am just an old stupid idiot who bullshit's his way through bass riffs and cries every night over my lost youth.
"You don't have the right, you fuck."
A.C.A.B.
Speaking of crying, I have two subjects I would like to complain about on matters that have occurred in the past week. Firstly and most importantly, I'm sure you have all heard about the Mike Brown shooting in Missouri, (If not, read about it HERE.) There is a lot of emotions going around and everyone has an opinion on the matter, so here's another one! Of course I was not there, but anyone can stick their head out of their car window and see how much police have a literal choke hold on this country. My prediction is just like every other story, the officer in question will walk away and the justice system will do nothing about it. It goes without saying that our justice/prison systems are complete farces that only people of privilege and power benefit from. So I won't go on a diatribe about this specific incident and the best thing I feel that I can do or any of us can do is remember this atrocity and to remember that Mike Brown was an innocent man murdered for no reason other than prejudice and the autonomy of police infallibility. I get both furious about this horrible action police have committed in Missouri, but I also feel anger that people only give a fuck about police brutality when their actions are so extreme they cannot be hidden from public view. And then after a few weeks things calm down and it's back to business as usual. The most important thing we can do as human beings is to sustain our outrage and to project it in productive, meaningful and direct ways.
The second thing I want to talk about is the unfortunate news that has eclipsed the very real, pervasive and ongoing story of the Mike Brown shooting. As EVERYONE ON EARTH KNOWS, Robin Williams apparently committed suicide on Monday. No offense to Robin, but his timing really behooved the white elite by downplaying the entire Mike Brown story. Instead of burning every copy of "Time Cop" in protest, everyone was sobbing and watching "Aladdin" Monday night. Now to be certain, I was deeply crushed to hear of Robin's demise Monday afternoon. I coincidentally happened to watch the movie "The Birdcage" Monday afternoon and shortly after the movie was over my father texted me the news of his death. He was one of my favorite actors and many of his roles touched me at a personal and philosophical level. But as I said it was very frustrating to see how distracting that was for everyone while something deeply historic and critical of our culture was blowing up in Missouri. The other frustrating thing was people's reactions to the fact that Robin committed suicide and the concept of depression. First of all, I don't believe in depression the way most people do. I do believe that some people suffer from debilitating chemical imbalance and perhaps do need medical help. But for every person like that, I would say 50 people say they are suffering from the same thing. Anyone who knows me for several years knows that I have had deep spiraling emotional turmoil and self loathing from time to time. These hours spent in darkness may be described by most as "depression." I have always detested that simplification of a natural chasm of our emotional journeys. I have been fortunate enough to develop constructive ways of harnessing my melancholy and pretty much every song I have ever written has been a catharsis for my dark side. But that doesn't mean that sadness or "depression" is a negative thing. When someone famous commits suicide, people see it as an opportunity to have an open dialogue about depression, usually by demonizing it and treating it as something that must be removed. I think we should talk about depression, but emotions are not a scale that is meant to be tipped one way or the other. It is about finding a balance between our joys and our sorrows. Personally I have found joy within my sorrows and I know I am lucky for that. And that's another reason I hate everyone, because most people feel alienated about being sad when everyone else is JUST FUCKING DANDY! Well I say fuck these smiling fakes, fuck these happy addicts, and fuck everyone now that I think of it.
P.S. I know this post wasn't very enjoyable, so here is George Carlin talking about death. God hates us all.
"Chocobo Racing" is the first thing I
think of when I hear the word "Golem."
Started my day with watery coffee today. What's worst in your opinion? Watery coffee or too strong coffee? When it's too strong it kind of tastes like cough syrup, but when it's watery it's kind of like if a Golem pissed in your cup. I was just mentioning at work how envious I am when I see someone take their first sip of coffee of the day. Only because you can't attain that feeling until the next day again; you had your moment now it's their turn. I am really glad I joined the coffee club a few years back. I used to hate coffee and didn't start drinking it regularly until I was probably 22 or 23. It's one of the few cultural commodities that I can actual relate with people about. I don't drink craft beer and I can't bond over the rotting corpse of another sentient being laid to waste while it's family watches in horror.
Morning ritual.
So I can see why I am alienated from people often but it's nice that I can agree on coffee at least. I think I have linked this before and I'm sure everyone has read it already, but I liked THIS INTERVIEW NPR did with Jerry Seinfeld about coffee. I think I would like to hang out with that guy. Maybe he could give me a lift home one day after RuPaul drops me off at the National Maggot Convention at an undisclosed location in Iowa. Have you seen that video where RuPaul gives Henry Rollins a lift and they talk about love and shit? Check that shit out below if not it's worth a watch. Henry Rollins will always be a confounding individual to me. I respect him in so many ways, but depending on what year it is his views are either spot on or completely fucked. Henry, stop saying "bitch" so much please. Or at all. That's my main gripe bro, just let that shit go. You're almost there. P.S. The new Slipknot song is fucking awesome F.Y.I. I don't really get the video and I miss the days where it was a kid eating gross cereal and getting a boner while he cuts meat, but it is decent.
I wanna be a Renaissance man.
Now onto my own fucked perspectives on the world. The last few days I have been scouring the internet to find a sample for the demo of the opening track on Ruined's full length that I have been working on tirelessly. I will return to that in a moment but essentially I was searching for a gnarly speech or interview about some raw ass God hate or something of the like. I was searching for some hard ass Norwegian dude talking about how Odin would beat the shit out of the Christian God any day of the week. The egg shells I was stepping on was I did not want to sample a racist shit-fuck like a lot of those guys are. I found a sweet sample of Kristoffer Rygg from Ulver back in 1994 talking about Christianity. He said "Christianity is a weak credit to religion." But it was unfortunately in Finnish.Which is cool but I just wasn't feeling it and I hate exploiting or displacing another culture that I have nothing to do with. So I ended up finding another one that is more vague in a poetic sense. It allows the listener to sort of take what they think about it away without coercing them too much. But it was astounding how little I could find through my searches. I was typing all kinds of shit to find some stone cold anti-christian ideology. Where are the George Carlin's of the world? Why are no strong cultural entities standing strong against the plague of piety? All I could find in my search were political or religious leaders speaking out against "The Apostasy of (Insert Religion Here.)" What apostasy? At best I see most people who consider themselves non-religious to be completely apolitical about their beliefs. Which is fine, to each their own. But I don't understand why Christians would ever feel like victims and I guarantee that we will go another 2000 years before that scale ever tips. In their minds, they have won already. When we all die we go burn and they go soar above us forever and ever. So what's the fucking problem? Why the fuck do you care if Johnny McGod-Sucks says "Fuck you, I'm tired of kneeling." You get to go frolic in the meadows of mediocrity with Emperor Theodosius I, The Teutonic Order and every piece of shit who had anything to do with The Bureau of Indian Affairs. I will bathe in the molten springs of Hell and enjoy a face melting cup of Joe with Heraclitus, Thomas Paine, and Friedrich Nietszche. I bet they have some great stories.
We all must burn.
Let's trade!
Back to my usual Ruined bullshit. As I said I finished demos for our full length the other night which I am pretty proud of overall. We still have a lot of work to do before we head to a studio but I am hoping to do so within the next 2 or 3 months. Otherwise I have been kicking a lot of ideas around the office and I think a few of them may come to fruition. Firstly, I just got a tape rack and was wanting to trade some "FAMILIAR" Ruined tapes for other bands tapes. If you are at interested send me a message on the RUINED FACEBOOK PAGE or send me an email at wouldyoucareatall@gmail.com and we can work something out. Secondly, we are hoping to shoot a music video in the next few weeks with the help of my good ole buddy Monte of PALM HANDS. It won't be anything crazy, just a montage of gloomy ass shit probably. I have also been thinking about investing in a video camera of my own and doing some sort of weekly or bi-weekly podcast of some kind. I don't really know what a podcast is but I would probably just "do it live." I used to take video and do video editing all the time and had a lot of fun with it. I had a really shitty camera and even shittier video editing software but it was fun nonetheless. I had actually totally forgotten about this video below that I made 3 years ago for the song "Bloodhail" by Have A Nice Life. Pretty fucking boring overall but I am surprised it has even 400 views. Anywho, check it out if you want. I was really gangly back then cause I only ate lint and 1 plate of spaghetti a day. And would puke blood from stress caused by the person I was dating at the time as I have mentioned before. Puking blood is a great way to lose pounds. Stay Gloomy.
Don't let my usual whining set you astray though. For the most part, I am in relatively high spirits lately. Ruined is in the studio recording and we are going on tour with Planning for Burial in May which is fucking incredible. How a fuckhead like me gets to be on the same bill with one of the best musicians/people out there for three nights in a row is beyond me. Also I recently have found renewed fealty to my peers here in Grand Rapids as well. I don't know if I will ever be a social Czar here but I am glad people are willing to pull through for me even though I am a penurious and accursed shitbag. I feel it's worth mentioning though that when I am on tour I am far more amicable and even conciliatory to everyone around me. I genuinely enjoy the company of humanity overall when I am on the road. And the main explanation for that being that I pretty much hate not being on tour and every moment spent static takes an egregious toll on my self-worth. So basically I am in a better mood when I am on the road and I don't hate people in such a piercing or relentless way. Also I am less likely to deal with yuppies and normo's every fucking day when I am playing punk basements and hipster havens. Then again I hate punks and hipsters too...and I am usually really tired after I play a set so I get grumpy...yeah you know what forget all that I am just a fuckshitter. I am just the way Kerry King made me.
.jpg)
