Slow March To Burial, Musicianship: Grievance In Motion, Stone Cold Update

Cyclops = March

It's March again. I decided a long time ago that March is my least favorite month of the year. I usually consider myself to be a fall/winter kind of guy more than a spring/summer. Any season that causes more sorrow than hope is alright by me. But for those of you who don't live in Michigan or the great white North our winters tend to push far into our other seasons. So I start to get burnt out with all the frigid wind and window scraping around this time. March is just a shitty ass month where it is close enough to spring to make you look forward but far enough away that it just pisses you the fuck off. The first day of spring is in March but that means dick up here. The closest I have ever come to being in a car accident was when I was 17 and I spun out during a sleet storm and it was the middle of April. Pretty much the only good March I have ever had was when I was in Europe. Three years ago today I was in Madrid, Spain having the time of my life. I should really start writing in my journal again so I can document all the stuff I don't do these days.

Their dates make more sense. Day/Month/Year.

Fuck this is depressing me to watch.

I need to go back.

It isn't all bad news though. I do have a few things on the horizon to look forward to. One thing in particular has me pretty jazzed but I am waiting until all our ducks are in a row before I announce it. I have this habitual nature about me that I get too far ahead of myself. But I also feel that most people don't get ahead of themselves at all. And they don't take any risks or ever run head first into the mist. I was having a talk the other day about being a musician and what that entails. The unfortunate imbalance that happens usually is that your bank account will always be plundered by passion. Most people can't imagine being broke as fuck and simultaneously be planning a road trip at the same time. I would say unequivocally that the average "musician" is not cut out for it and they are too terrified of not playing things safe. But really is that the way you would want it? Would you want to only play shows within a 50 mile radius of where you live and have the record executive happen to show up and sign you on the spot? Where's the fucking fun in that? We all see it happen, where people get handed all the right trappings for doing the wrong deeds. I don't even think they realize what a simple journey they had to go on to obtain their fame. I have said it a million times on here before but I believe that life is about having a wealth of experiences and not fiscal worth. I would rather spend 5 years playing only sewage treatment plant basements and have all the shit filled memories than miss out on them. My main point I was getting at is all to often I believe people try to cripple passionate people for whatever their reasons. Usually they just don't understand the concept of being broke all the time. They need that security and that financial barrier in order to sleep at night. Meanwhile 30 years from now they'll look back and wonder what the fuck they did with their lives while I'll hopefully be on my 37th world shit depository tour "Open Up The Shit Pit Tour 2045." As a musician I rely heavily on the favors of others (booking shows, letting us sleep on their floor, feeding us etc.) And I have come to realize I need to reach out more to people to show my gratitude for these favors. But all in all if you know someone who is passionate about something I implore you to show them support the best you can and think twice before you try and make them feel bad about themselves. If their ambivalence to fiscal responsibilities annoys you so much just remember that they probably sleep on concrete floors and eat lint regularly. It's punishment enough.  

Get this pumped.

Onto the insipid Ruined update you all look forward to. It does feel good to have actual things to talk about now. I feel like this will be a good year for Ruined. I haven't even done an update since we hit the studio I realize. Overall the studio experience was great. We recorded at Amber Lit Audio here in Grand Rapids and it is a really great place to record. It is right on the Grand River next to a train bridge. You can almost smell the rotting crust kid flesh it's that close. We tracked everything live aside from the vocals and I was mystified by the sounds we captured with both the bass and the drums. All the recordings we have had so far was just me alone in my room dicking around with a hand recorder. My bass was muddy and it took a lot of work to make it sound even that shitty. But now before we did any mixing it already had that ethereal effervescence while still maintaining the seismic bellow of my live sound. We got together two days ago and did a quick mix of one of the songs we recorded "Some Years Don't Matter." To the 7 fans we have you will recognize 2 out of the 4 songs we recorded and I hope you'll enjoy the deja vu. But otherwise we should be receiving our first mixes within the week and then I can begin the ritual of listening to them over and over again for several hours everyday. I will keep you all abreast of our progress as it happens. Until then, Stay Gloomy.  

Liquid Proof, Metaphysical Masquerade, A Gillian Reasons

Take it easy.

I took a 2 hour nap yesterday and then slept for almost 11 hours last night. I don't know if I am getting sick or just needed to catch up on sleep but I am feeling weird today. I am drinking Colombian coffee which I have decided is the shittiest region for coffee. I know that the region that coffee is grown has a big impact on the flavor of coffee but Colombian coffee is consistently shitty tasting to me regardless of the brand or expense. I don't know what it is, I am just a Guatemalan kind of sailor I guess. I wouldn't kick a Costa Rican out of bed neither. But I gave Colombian another shot and it let me down once again. Consider this is my proclamation of acrimony, I'm done with you Colombian coffee. Let's divide our BEANIE BABY COLLECTION and be done with it. I will keep Princess Diana Bear and all my other babies and you get fuck all. 

This really happened.
I know my collection is still
my retirement plan.

What a wonderful world.

I have been playing RPG's again lately. It was good to take a break and play other things like "Sim City" and "Sims 4" but I am back where I truly belong in the realm of spells and gear. I have talked about this before but let me take you into the thoughts I have when I am at work trying to combat the dilapidation of my mind. Let's say hypothetically when you die there is an afterlife, though any sort of conscious life after death is ludicrous but let's make believe and enter the world of fantasy. Take a page out of the Christian dogma and play pretend. What would you do with eternity? Or let me switch things up to be more realistic, you get to design your own Matrix! WOAH!!! That is way more pragmatic and I think we can all wrap our heads around that. So fuck the afterlife you are programming your own Matrix. What would your world be like? Mine would be something like this; it would be a breeding between the realm of old spells and incantations like Diablo, Elder Scrolls, and Lord of the Rings mixed with more modern universes like Final Fantasy, X-Men and Pokemon. Essentially I would like to spend my days in the Matrix slaying demons, mastering spells, wielding a gun-blade and catching Pokemon. I'd like to live in a medieval city that somehow also has high speed internet/indoor plumbing/central air and heat and yet somehow has only recently discovered gunpowder and dragons are a real nuisance. Of course the 4 or 5 people that I like in real life would be welcome in my new Matrix and we can slay together until our biological tethers give out and our life-force evaporates leaving our emaciated corpses for Dozer to clean up. Before that though we'd track down that Cypher dude in his own Matrix and fuck him up real good. Fuck that guy.

Everyday.

Yes, yes a thousand times yes.

In a lot of ways I have been absorbing the 90's once again like many people. I have been watching Friends, X-Files and 90's romantic comedies a lot recently. I know a lot of people look back at the good ole days and bask in the warm glow of everything that once was. And I wonder if in 20 years if people will be really into what's happening nowadays. It seems extremely unlikely to me because it's my belief that any identity or sense of character we once had fell alongside those towers in 2001. The 2000's were nothing, a decade of vapid scared people developing vacant and chagrin films, art and music. And now we are halfway through this decade and nothing seems much different. I know that like any rapid change a cultural revolution could always be waiting around the corner. I am not holding my breath though and for now I am comforted by looking back at what people before my own generation were able to create in a fluid and magnanimous environment like the 90's. Until then I suppose I am just going to shit all over everything and wait in the shadows. Yeah that sounds about right. Stay Gloomy.

Demon Finale, Reaching Around, Déjà Vu And Fuck You Too

If only...

As often times happen, I don't really have a direction with this again today. I am hungry, out of coffee and my desk is brimming with shit. I am also feeling kind of anxious and overwhelmed. There is so much that I WANT to do and only so much that I CAN do. I suppose that is a pretty typical situation people find themselves in but it honks big time. All week I toil and strive in anticipation of having a day off and when I finally do I spend it whining on here and watching Netflix. The first season of Diablo 3 ends in a few days to so I need to level cap my Demonhunter on there if I want the exclusive trans-mogs. Shit, I guess I actually have a lot to get done today so I should probably make this quick.

This just felt right. 

Recently I have had a small internal conflict. I have been feeling a pull to become more involved in my local music scene. Because realistically, I am pretty much one of those people who complains about how shitty things are and then does absolutely Jack-shit about it. That being said, it is difficult to promote change within a scene when: A. You do not posses any resources within that scene to "demand" change, (vis-à-vis you do not own a tangible space where events could take place or have the social currency to draw in favors from your community; meaning you're not "cool" enough to be paid attention to.) B. You have very little interest in the interests of others that conflict or pale in your opinion to your own agenda. Speaking for myself, I am a misanthrope plain and simple. I just flat out do not put importance on what most people are passionate about. There are exceptions of course. For example: Music. I think music is great and I know a lot of other people feel the same way in my general vicinity. That being said, music is very cultural. Even within the small scene we have in Grand Rapids, it is pretty much like anywhere else. It's fragmented and essentially if you're not doing the "thing" that everyone is digging at the time then your shit out of luck and jolly well fucked. None of what I am saying is news to anyone, most people would either agree or at least relate to what I'm saying in this community and abroad. But let's go back 4 years. When I first moved into the city limits of Grand Rapids and started going to shows a lot more often there was a great sense of comradery. I could go over to the house show of punks, art kids, stoners, metalheads, or twinkly emo's and felt no borders. People moved, venues closed and shit got fucky. It happens. But having experienced it once in my life I have no doubt that music can be fun again in this city. I don't have the answers on how to attain this, and I have a feeling the people calling the shots right now are just as full of shit as any other person on the planet. So for myself this is a difficult path to take. I feel that it is only fair to contribute to a scene that has/(hopefully will) support my own music and endeavors. But I also feel that myself and other loser fuckheads who happen to live here will be ignored. Realistically not everyone is going to get what they want and in fact it will be far from what a good chunk of people will want. The fleeting and negligible topics will most likely take precedence and the rest will go down the shitter. But that doesn't mean people shouldn't at least try to change things even if it is futile. All I can say is God Hates Us All and we should shoot from the belt with that in mind. That made no sense. Fuck it, do it live.

"Got no good plans but a good idea, 

Let's put this town in my rearview mirror. 

Yeah, I got enemies, (fuck em') but they don't know. 

They won't get no glory on that side of the hole."

A feeling I know all too well.

On this same subject, I have to vent about something. For the purpose of anonymity I am going to be mildly vague so I apologize if the following seems confusing. But I have always done my best not to be someone who just shits all over everything out of anger and I want to be reasonable. This is something that has bothered me for a long time, but moments ago another example of it just came to light. I would like to preface this by saying that I know that everything creative has already been done and no idea is ever truly original anymore. I don't consider myself to be a creator of great thoughts but perhaps I maybe rejuvenate things that better people than myself developed long ago. But I want to talk a minute about plagiarism. Over the last few years I have had a couple of ideas that I shared with fellow musicians and I got burned. I was just talking last night about a song title that Ruined has that was originally called a different name. I had to change it because when I shared a rough demo version with another musician, about two months later they released an album with that same song title on it. It sounded nothing like my song and as I said I know that I don't make these words up in my room when I am not slaying demons or looking up pedal reviews. But alas I would look like a turd if I then released that same song titled as is especially since we were vaguely within that same genre of music. I would look like the fraud, despite the fact that we both would know I would not be. And it has happened yet again. But as I was talking about above, I am not cool. I am not a voice to be considerate of. If it's my uncool word against someone's cool word then I am fucked and have to deal with it. I am sick of it, and people wonder why I hate everyone. I'm done with it. Stay gloomy and fuck everyone.

P.S. I wrote the above segment several hours ago when I was feeling a sense of enmity. Since then the situation has been for the most part resolved and I have let the majority of my anger go. But I consider writing both a hobby and a catharsis so I decided to leave it the way it was not out of passive aggression but simply as a documentation of a moment in time. God Hates Us All. 

A Charley Horse Of Course Of Course, Palate Cleansing, I'm Blue Da Ba Dee Da Ba Die

Oh the pain...

Woke up from a Charley Horse today. It is astonishing how much those fucking hurt. One minute I was having a dream about shoveling snow from my dad's driveway, (which is half a mile long and dirt, I know I have the best dreams,) and the next minute I am writhing in agony in my own bed flailing around like a dolphin on the deck of a "dolphin safe" fishing vessel. After my flesh has been torn and bones broken by the mechanization below deck I am thrown back to sea because hey, it's still "dolphin safe" cause they didn't kill me they just didn't give me the option to survive. Call me "Survival Impaired!"  Anyways, Charley Horse's fucking hurt I hate them. Eventually I got up and limped downstairs where my french press has been broken for weeks now so I have the option between the Diatomaceous Earth known as "instant coffee" or I can make a lab experiment out of my coffee making experience and with a little Conklin ingenuity make some coffee with the good coffee I have. With a series of strainers and colanders I am able to have a very grainy cup of coffee that has somehow become room temperature during this entire process. Have I mentioned lately that God Hates Us All?

A lot of recipes call for "dice size pieces."
I like that analogy.

I have also been cooking a lot more at home. When you spend most of your days cooking for office peons you get kind of burnt out by the time you get home. But it has been nice always having something to eat around the house. Been keeping the pantry stocked and cooking up some pretty damn tasty shit most days. But last night I made a pad thai that was absolute horse shit. It was just sour and shitty and it really fell short. And yet I kept eating it cause it took me 45 minutes to make and I was going to be pissed if it went to waste. It's interesting how you can fill your stomach with food, even if it is bland and shitty and yet you still don't feel satisfied. It's interesting how much taste and the soul of food plays a role in our subsistence. When I was in Europe I surprisingly ate very well and everything we ate was made vegan and usually fresh right before our eyes. Can't stress this enough, those people have courtesy down to a fucking science. But this one night we were playing in Bulgaria I believe and we were playing this weird yuppie bar with big screen TV's and shit. And the promoter's girlfriend brought us food and it was literally white rice with a bag of frozen peas/carrots mixed in. Not a grain of salt nor spice. Devoid of a drop of oil or vinegar. They were so uncertain of what was vegan that they gave us essentially tree bark. Of course I didn't complain and ate a giant heaping bowl since I hadn't eaten in 14 hours but when I was done I felt like I had eaten a 6-pack of cotton socks. Some days I wish I could just take a pill that gave me all the nutrients I needed for the day and made me feel full too. But I also understand the psychological importance of eating delicious food and I am grateful that I have at least a decent grasp of making good vegan food. I have to make non-vegan food all the time at work and I get no solace when someone compliments me on it cause realistically it is still a carcass of pathogen infested shit that was once a sentient being that had a family. Yeah yeah yeah I know, you're tuning out cause I am being a vegan asshole. Cut me a break though, when you're vegan and you get to be elbow deep in corpses and pasteurized pustule every day you have to vent once in a while. I appreciate all my Carnie friends for letting me be a vegan prick once in a while. Because really none of this matters since we're all going to die and all hope is gone. Fuck yeah!

Had to do it. Listen to Joaquin Phoenix.

He is wise beyond his years. Get your cry on.

Speaking of cooking, I have a character in Sims 4 who is in the culinary career track and I should probably bring my attention to their needs. Oh yeah I got the Sims 4 earlier this week. I have always loved the Sims series, I was obsessed with the first installment and also the Sims 2. Never got into the third one though I heard it honked real hard. But 4 is pretty ding dangly sweet. But as I often do I will leave you with a small music update. As of right now, Ruined is officially booked for studio time in mid-February. We are going to be recording three songs, two of which are previously released songs that I recorded by myself that will be used as a demo to send out for exposure and shit. The third song will be on a split that is brand new and if I hit the mark right will make everyone puke blood and then cry acid tears into the puddle of blood puke. So yeah, look forward to that. Till then, stay gloomy.     

100 Shit Nuggets, Won By Walking, Party Like It's...

This was me two years ago.
My shirt says "Animal Liberation" and
I was trying to liberate a lion from a statue.
I was really coo.

Believe it or not this is my 100th post that I have made to this blog. It has been a little over 2 years of rants and trivial observations. Hard to believe I had that much to say especially since little has changed in my life since I began this blog. I still for the most part am either at work or sitting in my room escaping through RPG's or practicing bass. Which if anything that is one of the biggest progressions I have made in my life. I have explored many of the various methods of bass technique and I am glad I never settled onto any one specific specialization. Chronologically I have been in all kinds of bands whose genres are included but not limited to: nu metal, funk metal, noise rock, post-punk, post-rock, post-metal, dark shoegaze, indie-pop shoegaze, power violence, hardcore, bleak metal, drone and all other musical taxonomies that no one knows what the fuck they mean. Though I have gained a lot of knowledge and experience from playing all these different styles they all accumulated to develop my own brand of "mastery" if you could call it such a thing. But writing in this blog has also been a developmental process for me. Though I don't consider writing a passion, I would say it is a hobby of mine that I enjoy. I also find it to be a catharsis within the symbiotic relationship I have with expression and music/writing. I hope that most of you have that elemental aspect of your life that makes it worthwhile. If not, seek it out at all costs. Be a broke asshole like me and whine on the internet every week. It's really coo.

Words to live by.

On the subject of whining and expression, I was reading some Friedrich Nietzsche the other day as every misanthrope does. But I read an interesting segment of his work titled "Homer's Contest" that I would like to extrapolate upon. One of the things I love about Nietzsche is that he is really fun to read and is seldom boring. There is a charm to his writing that few philosophers, (let alone writers,) can emulate with such allure. But often times he will generalize an entire culture or race of people by using an interesting perspective such as, "So far no one has had enough courage and intelligence to reveal me to my dear Germans." To me, this was his way of primarily grouping the philosophers and leading thinkers in these regions more so than making a generalization about the average person on the street. Which as a philosopher/thinker (and a German) it was important that he divorce himself from that identity in order to make his claims and observations seem relevant. Now stay with me here, I will try not to fill your eyes with scholarly feces that will infect your ocular cavity until you develop two symmetrical anus' and you from now on poop out of you face orifices. But in "Homer's Contest" Nietzsche talks about the Greeks and their ancient theologies. How in ancient times Greek culture was seen as the pinnacle of humanity that all other compare themselves to. I won't blab on and on about all the different facets of this piece, but one of the most interesting points he made was that Greeks saw life as a contest. Whether it was war, athletics or even art and expression. It is easy to see the contest in war and athletics but I never really thought about the reason a human would engage in art would be out of contest with others. I have certainly seen some real turd sandwiches walking around who think that they can shit onto a canvas and that makes them an artist. I see the dominate ego at work when I see those types of people. And the more I expound on this and my own culture of musicianship I do find myself more and more seeing most musicians as apocryphal. Though I see expression as an internal spurring and fluid response to the ethereal and intangible, I do see how many people do the right things for the wrong reasons. And the worst part of all of this is I know that many people have so much they want to express and feel that crushing desire to unleash their own potential but they have no ability or pathway to make it happen.  They have no musical or artistic background and the odds are stacked against them to acquire the skills needed to accomplish any ground in the matter. I am so grateful that I spent my teen years honing my own skills instead of engaging in fleeting social dogma. My final point with this is I guess we all need to constantly challenge our own egos. It's whisper is seldom beneficial or encouraging.  Jealousy, envy and hatred are it's weapons and we must disarm ourselves of these tools before they destroy us. Nietzsche uses the example of Miltiades; so obsessed with contest and fame he becomes a vengeful spirit against himself. "To satisfy this craving he misuses fame, state property and civic honor--and dishonors himself...An ignominious death sets its seal on his brilliant heroic career and darkens it for all posterity. The envy of the heavenly powers seized him. And this divine envy is inflamed when it beholds a human being without rival, unopposed, on a solitary peak of fame. Only the gods are beside him now--and therefore they are against him. They seduce him to a deed of hybris, and under it he collapses."

Always relevant.

Keep the faith.

Once again, I ranted for WAY TOO FUCKING LONG!!!! Holy fuck I am so sorry about that. Every time I sit down to do this I tell myself, "Zach, no one gives a fuck. Just make a couple of poo poo jokes and then get the fuck off and play Sim City." Sadly I get pensive and all the people around me do their best to accommodate my rants but they can only handle so much. I salute them for their service and they hold a high honor in my maggot infested heart. Speaking of the maggot army, let me just hit you all with a small Ruined update and then I will finally fuck off. I talk about our plans a lot on here but believe it or not they change drastically almost on a weekly basis. This is due to financially instability, opportunity knocks and of course the fact that I am an impulsive idiot. So this is the maggot game plan as it stands right now. We are saving a little bit of money to hit a studio sometime in February, March at the latest. We are going to record three songs, two of which will end up on a most likely unreleased demo that we plan to send to labels. The third song will be on a split with one of my ole git pals from jolly ole England named Dean and his project KNIFEDOUTOFEXISTENCE. We are hoping to make this a 7 inch hence the search for a label cause vinyl is not fucking cheap. Other than that of course we are still waiting to get tax return money and then buy a van and finally envelop the land in gloom. Rivers will overflow with the tears of the innocent and it will snow sadness forever and ever till the end of time. You know that ole chestnut. Until then, stay gloomy.

Geek Chic, No Shoes Not Ever, Across The Sea

This just felt right to me.

Hello again one and all. Not sure how in depth I will get today or how real shit will be but we'll just get going and see what happens. I kind of just want to drink coffee, play World of Warcraft and listen to Rammstein. Yeah I play World of Warcraft again and I gotta say I have been having a blast. Much like Diablo 3, Blizzard has done a great job of cleaning up the shitty aspects of their games and listen to player suggestions. With that being said I pretty much fucking hate every person on the fucking game. It is seldom that I can play an hour without hearing a racial slur or a misogynistic annotation being broadcast. Things like this make me reflect from time to time on why I identify with certain sub-cultures even though I pretty much hate every person beneath my banner more than the rest of the world. Complacent vegans prancing around like they are going to save everyone or sanctimonious straight edge kids who feel that alienation is the greatest form of outreach. I'd say for every one of the cohorts I meet in these circles that I like, I hate probably seventeen others. May nothing but sorrow and squalor befell them and their ilk. But gamers are probably some of the biggest pieces of shit on Earth. There was a time when I felt like gaming was a safe haven for the outcasts and reprobates of the world. But it has now become a place for bloated ultra cretins who have given up on companionship and would rather troll everyone and everything. Or it is a place for the frat guy who blows off some steam after a failed date rape attempt by pwning noobs in Call of Duty. I would say that the solution would be to put JEWEL WASP larvae in the next batch of Gamer Fuel and hope all these cockroaches are dragged to the nearest burrow and eaten alive beneath the cold soil. But please, leave my Code Red alone.

I love this band. This band and Tool

are my WoW playlist.

In other news, lots of changes in the Ruined camp this week. We had a practice last night and we worked really hard on a new song that we have been working on. It's different than a lot of our material but we are both having a lot of fun working out the kinks. We also play in a room that was built on top of our garage that has absolutely no insulation or heating so we are building a shitload of character every time we practice now. (See my last post about the glorious merits of Northern character building.) I did buy a few of those hand-warmer things that react to air and they were a big help. You know that thing Elizabeth Banks was using in "Zack and Miri Make A Porno?" The thing that got lodged in Seth Rogen's taint? Love that movie, such a sweet soundtrack. But I was feeling like the Lich King one minute and the breath of Deathwing the next! WoW reference! ROFLCOPTER!!!  But yeah I tossed one of those in my pajama pants and would put my hand in there between songs and it helped out a shitload. But after practice we sat and had a talk about future plans. And afterwards I think we both felt a lot better about our long term goals. As of right now, we are going to push back recording our full length for a bit for several reasons. First of all, I don't think we have enough of a following that anyone would really give a shit about a full length coming out. I would rather hold off and get more people interested before dropping that shit like it's hot. Secondly, as of right now we have no recordings of us as a duo to send into labels who would maybe be interested in putting said full length out. So our plan now is we are going to record another EP in the next month that will probably get released independently as a way of gaining interest with both the general gloom masses and so we can have a solid "demo" if you can call it that to send to labels. Now for all the die hard Ruined fans out there who have already carved "Kill God" into their arms don't get too excited. This EP will most likely have 3 songs on it, 2/3 of which are songs that I previously recorded by myself in my room. Now that third song will most likely be the brand new one we have been working on so if you have your headphones on and a belt tied around your neck anxiously awaiting new material you are in luck! You will be able to achieve gloom-gasm once again soon! But for the most part we wanted to finally have a recording that would be a better representation of our overall sound and capture more of that live essence that makes us worth talking about around the water cooler back at Gloom HQ.

When in Rome. Creep out tourists.

Today I will leave you with a nostalgic rant. You know how everyone knows that person who has been to Europe and they come back and it's all they talk about? And they won't shut up about how much better it is there and that they can't wait to go back? Well I have tried really hard the last 2 or 3 years not to be that guy. But the other day I got caught up watching old videos from the tour I did with BEARTRAP and WITCH CULT of our 59 shows in 60 days across the majority of Europe and I just got so fucking pumped. And you know what, this is my damn blog and I can say whatever the fuck I feel like so please feel free to tune out. I miss it so much over there. Everyone loves music and will listen to everything and rock to every band that comes to town especially if they are from another country. We are nothing like that over here, so fucking jaded. My pals from Europe, (if you're reading this Dean, Mazz and Fee I miss you all deeply,) talk about coming over here and I want them to but at the same time I know it would fucking honk for them. They'd make shit money and no one would give a fuck. But I also miss the raw aggression of playing hardcore/powerviolence music. I don't think I would ever start a band like that or become a permanent member but I would love to fill in again for a tour like that. I emerged from my shell a lot more becoming a part of that culture for a brief amount of time. And though it was frustrating and lonely at times I wouldn't pass up another opportunity like that for anything. I don't really have any point to all this other than occasionally I think we all need to ignore the advice of others, say fuck it to our jobs and financial security and just go fucking do something with our lives. Stay free, stay alive and stay gloomy.

One day I will return.

The German Himself Does Not Exist, He Is Becoming, He Is "Developing Himself"

I have been missing
Europe a lot lately.

Alright I just woke up from a nap so I am feeling pretty groggy and shitty. I am sipping on some coffee and listening to some noir-as-fuck jams right now so this post could go anywhere. I am quite languid at the moment so I am not sure if my typical bubbling rage will reach the surface or not but who knows. I am listening to the album "Sunset Mission" by this band called Bohren and Der Club of Gore. As you can imagine they are German and it is some of the best shit I have heard in a long time. Ambient jazz mixed with sultry soundscapes and avant-garde electronics. Watch out Scorpions, and hold onto your flame shooting cod pieces Rammstein, there's a new cowboy in town. Well, like 15 years ago they were new but still. Not the type of band I would expect to come out of Germany though. My experience with playing shows in Germany was a place of kindhearted natures and fellowship. Minus the fact that they didn't seem to grasp the concept of holding doors open for people. Everywhere else I went in Europe when I would be carrying an 80 pound cab most people (despite the language barrier) would sense that I would appreciate if they held the door open. I couldn't even get people to move out of the way in a crowded room I had to just gently barrel into them and they'd look at me like I was the asshole. Yeah in fact I would say I felt genuinely ignored the entire time I was in that country so fuck that kindhearted thing I said earlier. Now I am just mumbling about nothing though and should probably move on. ONWARD!

Bomb ass ambiance.

Coo...

I have had a much more placid repose as of late. As many of you know I am often times crushed by an asphyxiating sense of urgency to make my goals become realities. Primarily when it comes to my music and the distance I wish to go with my music. Yet often times I find myself picking up my bass and feeling arid and listless. Often times this is due to the demanding mental and physical strain of my job. If my co-workers weren't so coo I would probably be found in a psychiatric ward sobbing and eating my own excrement. To anyone reading this who ever buys food from anywhere, could you stop being such fucking shit-hammers? It's just food okay? Sure being hungry honks, but the sun will explode one day and your body will be torn asunder by a solar flare so intense that your eyes will become liquid mercury and you will choke where you stand as your lungs ignite like thermite as your chest cavity becomes another Hindenburg tragedy. You will be left nothing more that an ashen prodigality and none of this shit will matter anymore. Which if your anything like me that gives me great comfort and fills me with a sense of calm. But when I am not feeling these urgent and onerous sensations I have been taking great joy in the little things that life has to offer. I have been watching South Park a lot again lately which reconnects me with my teenage years. I have been doing a lot of research again for some new pedals I am interested in getting which gives me something to look forward to. And I have been gaming periodically still which always helps me escape the burdens of everyday life. 

Me 36 hours from now.

And on the subject of gaming, I have posted this a few times online already. But starting tomorrow night I will be gaming for 24 HOURS STRAIGHT with my brother as a charity event for Helen Devos Children's Hospital. I have almost reached my goal but if any of you would like to donate and help me close the gap I would greatly appreciate it. Feel free to DONATE HERE and any donation would be greatly appreciated. I am not as young as I once was and this is going to be quite a journey. My brother plans to stream our progress via Twitch.tv and I will be sure to post that tomorrow when we get all set up. Now that I have gotten my charitable bit out of the way, fuck everybody and God hates us all. Stay Gloomy.   

Musky And Muscle-y, Husky and Gloomy, Nerdy and Fucky

Look into the abyss.
And the abyss stares back.

Woke up later than expected this morning. It was our first officially cold morning here in Michigan. It was nice to throw pajama pants on and a Pokemon sweater right away and head downstairs to brew some nice hot coffee. I have been anxious to jump into the Fall framework this year and have acquired provisions for this most gratifying season. I went into Yankee Candle the other day and bought a few Fall themed candles to get in the spirit of things. I walked in and it was only myself and the clerk which I always find myself walking on egg shells in a place like that. First of all, the last time I was in there I broke a 30 dollar candle on accident because I lifted from the lid like an idiot. But also I am of course looking like a Maggot and wondering around the store trying to let my olfactories take in all the emanations. I could tell the clerk was nervous and assumed that I planned to make a "Five Finger Discount" for myself whereby she would have to give me the "Five Finger Death Punch." A battle would ensue in the Yankee Candle Fortress and the Candle Commandos would rush in but I would cut them off at the bridge that allowed passage over the great Melted Wax Moat. Alas eventually I would be overwhelmed and would be trapped in a giant jar where I would await my "scentence." I would be transmogrified into an exclusive scent and sold to the Scent Barons for my transgressions. He who controls the scent, controls the universe. Which beckons the question, if you were made into a Yankee Candle; what would your scent be? They had all kinds of crazy ass scents, one section being limited to only "Man Scents." Which for any of you who don't frequent the land of Yankee Candle the scents included: Mmm Bacon, Man Town, Ale Beer and of course Camouflage. Who the fuck would want their house to smell like bacon? I work in food service, believe me you don't want your clothes smelling like bacon. "Yes I am looking for a candle that is between "Rotting Corpse" and "Tar Pit," any suggestions?" "...Right this way..." And what would "Camouflage" smell like? I would imagine it would have to be what Predator's dreads smelled like. Or Arnold Schwarzenegger covered in mud. Either way, win win right there. I would have to imagine my scent would have to be somewhere between "Burnt Bible" and "Blood Soaked Urinal." The possibilities are endless. But eventually I broke the ice with the clerk when I noticed a 300 dollar candle keg and had to inquire about it. She seemed extremely bored and told me all about this legendary candle. Apparently she has only ever seen one person by one of these and that is burns for over 115 hours and that she is constantly telling people to put it down because they want to take selfies with it and that...hmm...I just realized I have spent an exorbitant amount of time talking about my visit to Yankee Candle. I guess I need to get out more.

Bet that'd smell good.

My childhood.

Moving on! What else can I waste your time with...I suppose it should be mentioned that today is of course the anniversary of the World Trade Center attacks. I don't feel like going on a long rant about that but I will let George Carlin rant for me in the video below. It has also been three years since my Grandpa passed away. He was a good guy who in coalescence with my Grandmother taught me a lot about compassion and the symbiosis that humans can find with animals. My Grandpa and Grandma ran a rescue for Siberian Huskies and my Grandfather was at the time of his death the oldest dogsled racer in Michigan.  I always had such a mystic and whimsical fascination and admiration with my Grandparents unwavering love they had for another species and that stuck with me. As in most cases you don't realize how much someone affected your life until you are no longer able to tell them so. Many of you may know by now I am not very vocal about the things I love and focus more so on the things I despise. And I don't expect most people to understand my perspectives on things. But I feel that I am actually a very compassionate person though I may be private about my feelings more often than not. And I am not embarrassed or discouraged to express those feelings when they come to be. But I just hope that the few people I do care about know that I think of them often and am consumed by longing and regret for my absence from their lives.

Gone too soon.

I searched "RPG Nerd"
and found this.

Wow that got way more cereal than I intended. Lets keep this gloom train rolling! I will leave off with once again a small Ruined update. We practiced last night for the first time in a while but we have a set time slot now so we will hopefully be burning through new material at a much faster pace. We have the pieces aligned for most of the material that will be on our upcoming full length. It will probably be a couple more months before we hit the studio but I see the twinklings of magical gloom fairy dust peaking upon the horizon. Fall will forever be my most creative and ambitious time of year. Something about everything dying and the impeding winter of woe really kicks me in the ass and makes me want to play more. In fact I also got a new fuzz pedal last night which sounds really fucking cool. I used to think I would never be a pedal board guy but it has been so much fun researching and finding new and exciting pieces to add to my gloom arsenal. It is a lot like gearing a character in an RPG but in real life! I have my "6-String Axe of Anguish" with +666 Heresy Bonus and instant Mana Burn. My "Delay Pedal of Lost Memories" that saps Mental Health Regeneration for all I come in contact with. And now my "Fuzz Pedal of Infinite Laceration" that gives an Armor Piercing boost with a 47% chance to cause enemies to flee. I am hoping to have most of my rig set up when recording time comes around so I can reproduce sounds from the record live. Though Ruined is "The Band That Grand Rapids Forgot" our gloom works like a Space Marine spearhead; "One unbreakable shield against the coming darkness. One last blade, forged in defiance of fate. Let it be my legacy to the galaxy I conquered. And my final gift to the species I failed." Essentially, we're going to fuck shit up. Stay Gloomy.

Ultimate Sorro-Warrior, Witch Is Worst, Refuse Remembrance

WAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

Little late on my post this week. My schedule at work was a little different this week and I have actually been gaming a whole butt-load lately playing Borderlands 2 again. I don't play many games very often, but when I do play a game I play it Ultimate Warrior style. Day in, day out. No sleep, lots of food and soda. You know that kid you knew in high school who no one liked because he was such a loser and it made you puke to even think about having a bonding friendship with that person? That guy was me. And it's nice to reclaim that once auspicious chapter of my life from time to time. And it is also nice to know that a new Borderlands will be coming out in less than two months titled "Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel." I would have a hard time listing a series of games that are even close to being as fun as the Borderlands games. The story telling is magnificent, the characters are engaging and playful and the antics are sometimes crude and compelling all at once. And the inside jokes are never ending. The character I am playing as is called a "Mechromancer" who basically summons a robot pal to her side who has special abilities. But hearing my character yell "Number 5 Alive!" or "To Hell With The First Law!" always makes me chuckle. I had a dream this morning that I was a lore writer for video games. That would be a really cool job to have. Though I am sure it is very competitive and you need a lot of college experience. Being a Maggot won't get you everywhere in life...

This game is so coo...

Took them 7 years to turn
gold into lead.

I also finished all 7 seasons of "Sabrina The Teenage Witch" this week. (I know, this week has been crazy productive over here.) I actually rarely ever finish watching an entire series of any show. Usually I get bored or distracted by something before I am able to push through to the end, and often times I don't want to push through the end. I am the same way with games, I have never beaten Final Fantasy 8 and I am kind of grateful for that. It makes it extraordinary every time I pick up a controller to take that game on once ever 2 years or so. But finishing "Sabrina The Teenage Witch" made me think a lot about television shows and how they all sort of follow a similiar formula. For the most part I think we can all agree that a show is at it's best in the first 2 or 3 seasons of it's inception. Then it starts taking a shitty turn when the writers realize, "Well fuck, we have another season to write and we can't have Sabrina do something selfish every episode and have the Witch's Council get all pissed off every other minute and we can't keep having the toaster send summons and shit mail." So I don't really blame the writers for needing to progress with their shows in some way. But a small SPOILER ALERT for anyone who has not seen the last season of "Sabrina The Teenage Witch;" her aunt's leave the show and basically she becomes a shitty writer who starts dating some idiot 40 year old club owner who locks Salem (the talking cat) in a kennel carrier all fucking day, (Fuck you old dude, ANIMAL LIBERATION!!!!!!) and she hardly ever uses her magic at all. Now back to my point; at the point that essentially all the noteworthy characters on a show have checked out and the nucleus of the entire show is basically now a bloated corpse meandering in the froth of the creative pool they once drew upon, shouldn't you just give up? "Hey we had a nice run, now let's just fuck off." Would that be so bad? I know I just went on a huge rant but I guess what I am trying to say is I wish people knew sooner when would be the best time to fuck off. That being said, I am glad Sabrina and Harvey end up living happily ever after. Harvey was coo...

There was a dead fish where I was standing.

Otherwise, we started taking some footage for a Ruined music video the other day. Sky and I walked along the Grand River and took some gloomy shots after it had been raining pretty heavily. I moved a log so Sky could cross a really muddy area and as I was holding it I thought to myself, "Why does this smell like shit?" And then I remembered I was by the Grand River. Good thing I had Purell with me. But yeah that was fun, still quite a bit of work to do but that's happening. Otherwise we are still just working on our new material in preparation of heading into a studio to record. This time of year always gets my bass juices flowing. I am really looking forward to fall and I am glad we will be recording during that time. I feel way more creative and ephemeral during the colder seasons. Some of my fondest memories and first shows I played in Grand Rapids were during the fall and winter time. Dragging 80 pound amps down ice encapsulated stairwells while tripping over passed out junkie punk fucks while beer puke rains upon me. Good times. With that I shall take my own advice and fuck off. This blog post is no longer interesting at all. Stay Gloomy. 

But I Being Poor Have Only My Dreams, Sample Soap Box, Fun Is Dead

Me during my early 20's

I had several dreams last night that galvanized me this morning. I had one dream where I was on tour with some big deal band but while they took a tour bus we had to follow them around in our shitty van. Which to me was way more fun and I almost felt sorry for the guys on the bus. As much as I would love to sleep and read while some other guy does all the driving I felt a great sense of determination from that dream. I'm pretty sure it stemmed from my subconscious reacting to my conscious knowledge of Wreck and Reference's last show with Deafheaven that I saw posted yesterday. If I reached that level of success where I could cart around my band in support of a band people actually liked I would probably be totally satisfied with my ambitions. As any long time readers of this blog may know, (as if you exist,) I have always had a curiosity about oneirology: the study of dreams. I don't put any faith in believing that dreams have any sort of realistic pull on our lives, but I do believe that they can be our brains attempt to find answers for itself. And the simple fact that I hopped out of bed and immediately started working on music means they do have some impact on us in our everyday lives. I have made huge life changing decisions after having a stirring or compelling dream. Usually those changes dealt with being with someone who made me puke blood because of the rage they would make me choke on day in and day out. But I am confident those character building experiences are far behind me now. As I said though, it was great to jump out of bed and immediately feel encouraged to grab my bass and start working on shit.

I wanna use this sample.

As I have mentioned on the RUINED FACEBOOK PAGE I am currently working on a lot of new material for a full length. Right now I have about 5 songs complete in very shitty shitty demo quality versions which is about 35 minutes worth of material. The song I was working on this morning I decided to throw a sample into for fun. And this is a subject I have thought a lot about over the years. For some reason, I love when bands use samples in their music. I can't really explain why, other than to me it gives a unique texture and predication to their music that I personally enjoy. But of course I think a lot of bands over do this. On THE SPLIT I DID WITH PALM HANDS I used a lot of samples. That split was more about having fun with an old friend than it was about making a great piece of music. So I didn't over think what samples I wanted to use or whether I wanted to use them at all. But in a lot of ways, samples can be really shitty and stupid. A lot of bands are too lazy to come up with something creative that they just say "Fuck it, have a sample of Johnny McShit-Hat saying some hard-ass shit. That'll get that fucking pit opened." I don't really have a point to any of this, it's just something I think about when I am between masochistic fantasies.

"Something kinda sad about the way that things have come to be. 

Desensitized to everything. What became of subtlety?"

No fun not ever. 

Otherwise I have been watching The Simpsons, listening to Tool and getting back in touch with my roots. I know everyone talks about how much better everything "used" to be back in "their day." But the 90's were so much cooler than the last decade and a half. 9/11 really fucked everything up. Everyone got more scared and everything became sterile, watered down and fucking boring. The music was better, the movies and television were better and everyone seemed to be living louder than nowadays. Everyone talks about how morality is going out the door but I am absolutely convinced that these bleach white convivial automatons who strangle anything poignant or vivacious have a monopoly on our entertainment in this country. I am not even suggesting that they are the ones producing this bile or even flipping the switches to illuminate our receivers. But thanks to the never ending breeding of shallow minded and fearful fiends that we call our youth and the pompous piety of our owners, this bland anemic mucilage we call modern entertainment is what we are left with. Turn on any radio or network television to see the current state of the necrosis in the American stimuli. George Carlin once said, "Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of them are stupider than that." And people wonder why I have no hope left. But it's not all bad, I still get to lock myself away from the mutations growing and congealing in the perspicuous pockets of our wealthy and elite communities.I must bar the doors at every turn for they keep coming for me and my kin through wires and speakers. Be weird, make people uncomfortable as often as you can while simultaneously interacting as little as possible with as few people as possible. Then again I hate everyone and everything and should not be giving any advice to anyone for any reason. So take everything I say with a grain of salt. What the fuck does that mean? Who knows. Stay gloomy.   

Gotta Bjork 'Em All!, A Case For Bass Replace, Glooming At A City Near You

This has nothing to do with anything.
But I have been playing Pokemon again.

Listening to "Hyper-Ballad" by Bjork right now. This song is so fucking good. The album "Post" is incredible. I know most people have been on the Bjork boat for a long time already but I am only recently appreciating what I have been missing. You see, I have a weird thing that I do with music. Someone who I know has excellent taste in music and who also knows what I like and don't like will tell me, "Hey you should check out this band they would blow your fucking mind." And I will take what they say and store it deep within my cerebellum for about oh I don't know 7 years or so. My friend Monte told me about Bjork and Ulver literally 7 years ago and I was like "Coo I'll check them out! First though, let me listen to this Static-X record again!" My friend Josh told me about Black Flag and Bad Religion when we were in middle school and I was like "Coo I'll check them out! First though, let me listen to this Primus record again! And play World of Warcraft for the better part of a decade and jerk off stalefish with my own tears of loneliness!" Those were simpler times, I was naive and I only regret missing out on years of cherishing these musicians. Fuck, Bjork is so good though guys. Don't fuck around about it anymore. It's weird and her vocals are certainly one of a kind and may be an acquired taste, but it's fucking mind melting it's so incredible.

Weird at it's finest.

Early days playing at Skelletones with
my first real band Cult of Reason. 

What else is going on in this failing republic. Let's see, well I finally got a new bass. I just replaced the factory strings they put on it,(They were garbage.) It took me 9 years to be able to afford an upgrade from my 2nd bass. Which was basically one step up from complete and total shithood. In fact, let me tell you about my bass journey. When I was 12 I got my first bass ever. I actually originally wanted to be a drummer, my dad played guitar and so did my brother. But when I went to the store I saw that drums were way too fucking expensive. The cheapest I could find were still 400 dollars. I wanted an instrument but didn't want to play guitar because I had to be different from my brother/father. So I ended up buying a 120 dollar bass guitar and a 60 dollar tiny little practice amp. For those of you who don't know much about music equipment, 120 dollars for a bass is basically like buying an 80 cent frozen turd. You get what you paid for. I had that bass for about 4 years and then on my 16th birthday I got my last bass. It was a huge leap forward from my first bass, but it was still a piece of shit. Practically the day I bought it, it went to work breaking itself. But alas, 9 years later I was finally able to acquire a nice bass that will hopefully last me another decade.  

As always, a Ruined update for the masses. We are playing with Planning for Burial in Muskegon March 30th which everyone should come out for his set and everyone else. We are working hard to make our set good but we are going to get blown out of the fucking water I have no denial of that. Otherwise we are playing the Death House here in Grand Rapids April 16th with The Funeral And The Twilight. I am glad to say I have played with that band almost every time they have come to GR and I am happy that tradition continues. Other than that, we don't have another show booked until our tour kick off show May 26th which I am trying to make a sort of mini-two piece fest. Tour booking is going okay but I could still use some help in a few places. Take a look at the tentative tour schedule below and if you could help in any way I would appreciate it and you can contact me at wouldyoucareatall@gmail.com. Thanks! Gloom on!

Mon. May 26th: Grand Rapids, MI- BOOKED @ The House Of Pancakes

 Tues. May 27th: Detroit/Ann Arbor, MI -Working

 Wed. May 28th: Cleveland, OH- HELP!!!

 Thur. May 29th: Buffalo, NY- BOOKED @ The Lair

 Fri. May 30th: Ithaca/Utica, NY - Working

 Sat. May 31st: Poughkeepsie/Albany , NY - HELP!!!!

 Sun. June 1st: Boston, MA – BOOKED @ The Democracy Center

 Mon. June 2nd: Somewhere, Connecticut - Working

 Tues. June 3rd: New York City, NY- BOOKED

 Wed. June 4th: Philadelphia, PA –Working

 Thur. June 5th: Pittsburgh, PA –Working

 Fri. June 6th: Columbus/Cincinnati, OH- BOOKED

 Sat. June 7th: Indianapolis/Anywhere, IN- HELP!!!

 Sun. June 8th: Champagne, IL –Working

 Mon. June 9th: Chicago, IL –Working

 Tues. June 10th: Kalamazoo, MI - Working