Genius Envy, A Tale Of Two Turds, I Don't Want FOP God Dammit I'm A Japan Man!

Today is a brighter day on gloom mountain. I have been listening to the EP "Abyssal" by the the band Envy over and over again and my mind has been blown over and over again. Every now and then I kind of realize, "Holy burger monkey! I am totally fucking up by not checking out this band more!" I had heard the split they did with Jesu and their song "A Winter Quest For Fantasy" is one of my top 5 songs of all time. And yet I was deciding to just never check out any of their other records. But I decided to pick up "Abyssal" and their most recent full length "Recitation." They are both incredible and I really wanted to find some more inspiration for the upcoming Tristram LP on the horizon. If all goes well we should begin recording in less than a week now. I always think it will go swiftly but I have learned over the years that nothing gets done swiftly. Most likely the drums will take a week at the very least. Then I will be spending all of July bashing myself with a wooden spoon to make myself play better. I am looking at a mid to late August release at the soonest. And that will probably just be a Bandcamp release, the physical copies will be another month or two probably.

Not only can this amp handle 1.21 gigawatts,
but it can also go 88 miles per hour. 

But in an effort to perpetuate the endeavor of rock, I entered a place I have discussed before: The Realm of the Shattered Axe. The Forlorn Marsh of Marshall's. I am of course speaking of Guitar Center. The very title alone makes my bones quiver now. I used to have a salesmen who I actually liked help me out. (Yeah I know, me liking someone? Let alone a fucking Guitar Center turd?) But he was polite, knowledgeable and wasn't Captain Pushy McPush-Pop. Because I have learned that when you enter that place you will come into contact with two species of mutinous mongoloids. Firstly, you have the ex-guitar tech for Dream Theater. He will talk to you like you are a fucking moron and describe how this amplifier has an 1000 watt dildo output complete with a decibel dick stomping mechanism capable of triangulating the circumference of any fecal photon capacitors within a 47.34  mile radius of the flux piston fuck-a-tron antennae. That guy of course is no help to a simple potato miner like me. But then you have the other guy, the greater of two evils in my opinion. You have the dude who knows jack shit about anything he is selling, but hey he's been in bands for a few years so obviously he's enough of a professional to sell me shit. And that is the beast I have to contend with now at every visit. At the moment I am primarily on the hunt for new effects pedals and other amenities. So I have to converse with this guy who for the sake of anonymity we will call "Johnny McTurd-Fuck." So Johnny Shit-Hat is waiting at the counter for me. I tell him I am interested in a simple, easy to use looper pedal that has as few options as possible since I don't want to pay for things I'd never use. "Right this way!" says Johnny Feces-Face. Leading me directly to the most expensive and complex pedal in the store. This guy will kick and scream to up-charge me on anything he can. I want a 6 inch patch cable that costs 4 dollars? He tries selling me the 27 dollar patch cable complete with an automatic bag balm application device. I tell him no I just need the one cable, he wants me to buy 2 of them, since I have a non existent pedal that needs that second cable. I could literally make this entire post about how much I hate Johnny Poop-Pistol if you couldn't tell already. And yet I will have to face that Bowel Behemoth time and time again. I miss my old salesmen, wherever you may be you buff bastard. What an untimely juncture to make an unlikely friendship.

If only...

Otherwise, I do have a looper pedal heading my way via UPS and it should be here in the next day or two. I am pretty excited about it since not only can I use it for samples and live looping, but I believe I will be able to do some recording with it. So I feel like it will grant a large boost to all of the projects I am involved in. Which right now is about 1 1/2 bands or something. But I do need to start letting the gloom out again. And listening to Envy has given me so many ideas for doing guitar layers for Tristram. Somehow I need to afford to get some Orange amps I think. I was listening to Boris the other day and fuck that band sounds so damn good. I used to think Orange amps were overrated since I was seeing mediocre bands playing through professional grade gear since their parents were born with the right last names. Well I was born with a spoon whittled from a potato in my mouth and that is just dapper dandy by me. But if I could have Wata from Boris' booming, crushing, face obliterating distortion sound and Envy guitarist's Nobukata Kawai and Masahiro Tobita's domination of the ethereal plains of cleansing sound then I would be in love with my own creations. Japan got it right. I can't wait to visit when the Boris, Envy and Tristram world tour happens. A maggot can dream...

Perfection Incarnate.