We Don't Need Roads, No Remorse, Stone Cold Prosperity

Whack attack. 

Been a little while since I have posted. Like many of you I was gored by the holiday mammoth and my carcass was flagellated mercilessly by it's bloodied, albeit jolly tusks. More than any other year this season was especially stressful. I only went out into the world of commerce once this year and it was more than I could bare. I consider myself a level 5 Road Warrior with a major in Smooth Criminology, but even my cantaloupe was getting cooked on the highways of inhumanity. I thought for sure I was going to have to fight off a mob with a tire iron in the Bed Bath and Beyond parking lot. They had eaten the foam dispensing lavender hand soap and were rabid from the demonic Christmas spirit possession. Luckily I tore a page out of the Doc Brown playbook and slammed it to 88 and got the fuck out of there. Shopping would be fine if it wasn't for all the people, and driving places, and carrying shit, and paying for shit I don't need with money I don't have. Oh that's right, shopping fucking honks. I got some cool stuff though and had fun opening gifts with my family/roomies/co-workers. I try to socialize at least once every solstice if I can.

Now let me rip right into a juicy little gripe I have. I always say that I won't rant, but I am almost certain that this will spiral into a bile inducing rage-gasm with an indefinite horizon of conclusion. So buckle up and go take a leak right now. That's right, I want you to strap yourself to your chair and then get up and evacuate your bladders. What is a bathroom break but an opportunity for innovation? I often times talk about what I believe to be the root to all the social problems we face in this world and specifically in this country. It's a simple thing that people seem to either overlook or willfully neglect. The subject of this portion is once again the topic of empathy. I am absolutely convinced that the majority of this country is absolutely bankrupt of any trace of empathy and are morally bereft. Let me lay out a personal example of what I'm talking about. This story is small and paltry compared to the things that many people have to face but here we go. "Twas the afternoon before Christmas, when all through my work. Not a yuppie was stirring, not even a jerk. The soups were in the steam table with care, in hopes that my shift would be fucking over soon there. Some stupid ass kids who'd been dropped on their heads, left shit everywhere and probably pooped in their beds. Their vapid mother had just registered to vote, but her cognition skills were a fucking joke. When out in the dining room arose such a clatter, a big fat fucking scumbag walked in and my heart sank like dark matter." Alright enough rhyming shit, I was working Christmas Eve and in walks Captain Fuckdrain and his big bag of bullshit. A preface though to this, at my work an 86 year old man comes in almost every day with his squeaky cane and buys a coffee and makes polite conversation with all of us there. So before General Shitsqueeze walked in this old man had already got his coffee and was sitting down. The scene is set for my big "humanity should burn" lecture that I was getting to. So Johnny McTurdchew walks up to the counter and wants to know about our soups with a fucking Bluetooth in his ear. I won't take you through every moment of our interaction, suffice to say every moment the thought of smashing his head with a panini grill became more and more enticing. The most important aspect of my story though is this; moments after Corporal Taintswallow and I begin our soup discussion the old man I told you about spills his hot coffee all over his table and himself. I quickly grab a few rags and run over to help him get the hot fucking coffee off of him especially since he can't even get up fast enough to avoid the coffee dripping from the table. So as I am helping him Colonel Cornhole screams, "HEY! I WAS TALKING TO YOU! WHAT'S IN THOSE SOUPS!" In case you are lost, this fucker was offended that I interrupted our soup conversation to help an old man covered in hot coffee. It was Christmas Eve, I was tired, I was cranky, and I was about to use a coffee covered table as an assault weapon. I wish I could tell you all that the Bluetooth Bandit is in the hospital right now, but unfortunately I kept my cool. When people talk to me about the goodness of humanity and the triumph of the human spirit I just can't reason with them. I have had far too many moments like the one described in my life. Animal liberation, human annihilation.

Yep.

2015 better be this good.

Alright that was a long ass rant as expected and I don't believe anyone has read this far. If you have I will just end by saying that I have high expectations for the coming year and have set a lot of goals for myself. I turned 26 four days ago and I want to go on as many tours as possible this year, put out new music, work out a lot, read at least one book a month and just try and be a more well rounded individual. I'd encourage you all to do what you feel needs to be done over the next year to put you in a better place next winter. May the forces of evil become confused on their way to all your homes. Until then, stay gloomy. 

Welcome To Cell, Permanent Changes In Consciousness, Planning For Pluvial

I talk about people I hate a lot on here as you all know. Whether it's yuppies, cops or other vegan straight edge fuckheads we have a little bit of everything for everyone on here. But even last night I had a moment where I thought about how great it is that I hate so many people. Because the more people I hate, the more exclusive my circle of friends becomes and the more I love and cherish the moments I have with them. Well, I guess it's becoming more like a triangle of friends...or a better analogy would be an organism's cell of friendship. You have myself as the gloomy pissant nucleus, and then you have the great people who accept me who are the mitochondrion, a few ribosome acquaintances and then everyone has a few of those cumbersome endoplasmic reticulum. Don't get me started on those fuckers. But all in all, though I do worry or ponder about lost friendships that I once had I am probably at my most comfortable social center that  I have ever been in my entire life.

I am really lucky to have great co-workers too. You know what's crazy? I work at a typical capitalist establishment and yet no one at my work ever says the words "bitch" or "fag" ever. You know how great that is? I don't have a single person at my work that I have to be in my head saying, "Great, here comes Fucky McShithammer..." That has a huge impact on going in there everyday. I would probably be insane by now if it were any different. It's really fucked up that people have to go to work everyday and work in a social environment that they despise on top of having to do menial shit that holds them back from making personal progress. As I said if I had both of those things happening simultaneously and having to listen to these fucking mouth breather consumers everyday I would most likely scream "SERENITY NOW!" and run through the woods naked until wild dogs caught up with my and ate me alive. Perhaps that day still has yet to come. C'est la vie.      

Speaking of shitty misogynistic and homophobic language, I have been seeing a lot of posts online lately about feminism and what it means to be feminist. Over the years I have gathered my thoughts on the subject and have attempted to forge my own perspective. I still am learning more and more everyday and trying to keep myself open to new and fascinating facets of this movement. But for starters, I do not consider myself a feminist. Not because I would be ashamed of that sobriquet, but I feel that as a male bodied person there will always be a part of the movement that I could never be accepted into for the simple fact of my biological capacity. I could never fully understand the physical and emotional aspects of being a true feminist and I accept that and I leave my ego out of it the best I can. At best I consider myself to be a feminist ally but even that I am apprehensive to claim. Firstly, I fucking hate men. I think men are truly the manifestations of evil on Earth and if they were all chained to walls and used simply for procreation it would be more than they deserve. I know that is not what the feminist movement is about so I don't really think I am upholding the true ideals of the movement and I could be considered a hindrance. Secondly, for years I have had a lot of respect for powerful woman and I have had immense admiration for the courage of transgender people and their own movement. I felt small compared to them, as a person who had identified since birth as the gender I was assigned I really had no battles to fight. At best I felt as though I could only reach out to other men and try to expose them to the things I had learned over the last few years. But I have recently realized that the more I learned about these movements and the atrocities that  men have committed over the centuries that I was divorcing myself little by little from my previous male identity. I have no interest in what male culture has to offer in this country and what little characteristics of male identity I do still maintain I look at them more with disdain than acceptance. The point I am trying to reach is within myself and the way I perceive myself is more complex than I would have imagined a few short years ago. Though I think it beckons further reflection and I don't think I can put it in a simple category, I suppose I would say that the best explanation I can offer is that I identify as gender neutral. I don't expect anyone to really adjust their pronouns or anything around me, for I do still project primarily "male" idiosyncrasies. And my intention is not to alienate others or to have others pander to my personal perception. But realistically, I don't really give a fuck about other peoples thoughts on me. And though this is a public document it is still mostly a place where I gather my thoughts. My main point of this chunk of my rant is that I feel more comfortable identifying as a feminist ally when I accept the fact that I no longer identify as a man, and that I still feel I could reach out to others from my position of privilege in order to expose them to new knowledge. And that I still think that people who do identify as men but also regard themselves feminist should consider being allies instead. Because realistically, equality will be unobtainable as long as your ego thinks that you are privy to any and all things and you are unable to realize that male privilege is blocking your ability to truly help out. Let the girls have the room, you've had your turn.

Us in the studio.

Now that the soapbox has broken beneath my feet, let's talk about some fun Ruined shit! Yay! Last week I updated you millions of people who read this blog about some recent changes happening in the Ruined camp. Essentially we are holding off on our full length for a bit and we are going to put out some different stuff. Now last week I said we are going to be putting out a demo with two old songs and one new song. As always, I talk way too quickly about shit and I change my mind about 20 minutes later. Our plan is now this. We are going to do a two song demo that may or may not be released publicly. It will primarily be used to send into record labels to get some more attention and hopefully bag us someone willing to put out our full length and future releases. This will be a great stepping stone to the relentless touring we are going to be doing. I have plans to at least personally be on the road once every 3 months if it can be helped financially and mechanically. But we are also going to be doing a split with my good pal Dean over in jolly ole England with his project KNIFEDOUTOFEXISTENCE. It will most likely be two brand new songs, one of which we are putting the final touches on and I have a brand new one I started working on the other night that I think would do nice on that split. To say the least, the Ruined beast is awakening and it's coming to a town near you. Get ready for the rain. Stay gloomy. 

Geek Chic, No Shoes Not Ever, Across The Sea

This just felt right to me.

Hello again one and all. Not sure how in depth I will get today or how real shit will be but we'll just get going and see what happens. I kind of just want to drink coffee, play World of Warcraft and listen to Rammstein. Yeah I play World of Warcraft again and I gotta say I have been having a blast. Much like Diablo 3, Blizzard has done a great job of cleaning up the shitty aspects of their games and listen to player suggestions. With that being said I pretty much fucking hate every person on the fucking game. It is seldom that I can play an hour without hearing a racial slur or a misogynistic annotation being broadcast. Things like this make me reflect from time to time on why I identify with certain sub-cultures even though I pretty much hate every person beneath my banner more than the rest of the world. Complacent vegans prancing around like they are going to save everyone or sanctimonious straight edge kids who feel that alienation is the greatest form of outreach. I'd say for every one of the cohorts I meet in these circles that I like, I hate probably seventeen others. May nothing but sorrow and squalor befell them and their ilk. But gamers are probably some of the biggest pieces of shit on Earth. There was a time when I felt like gaming was a safe haven for the outcasts and reprobates of the world. But it has now become a place for bloated ultra cretins who have given up on companionship and would rather troll everyone and everything. Or it is a place for the frat guy who blows off some steam after a failed date rape attempt by pwning noobs in Call of Duty. I would say that the solution would be to put JEWEL WASP larvae in the next batch of Gamer Fuel and hope all these cockroaches are dragged to the nearest burrow and eaten alive beneath the cold soil. But please, leave my Code Red alone.

I love this band. This band and Tool

are my WoW playlist.

In other news, lots of changes in the Ruined camp this week. We had a practice last night and we worked really hard on a new song that we have been working on. It's different than a lot of our material but we are both having a lot of fun working out the kinks. We also play in a room that was built on top of our garage that has absolutely no insulation or heating so we are building a shitload of character every time we practice now. (See my last post about the glorious merits of Northern character building.) I did buy a few of those hand-warmer things that react to air and they were a big help. You know that thing Elizabeth Banks was using in "Zack and Miri Make A Porno?" The thing that got lodged in Seth Rogen's taint? Love that movie, such a sweet soundtrack. But I was feeling like the Lich King one minute and the breath of Deathwing the next! WoW reference! ROFLCOPTER!!!  But yeah I tossed one of those in my pajama pants and would put my hand in there between songs and it helped out a shitload. But after practice we sat and had a talk about future plans. And afterwards I think we both felt a lot better about our long term goals. As of right now, we are going to push back recording our full length for a bit for several reasons. First of all, I don't think we have enough of a following that anyone would really give a shit about a full length coming out. I would rather hold off and get more people interested before dropping that shit like it's hot. Secondly, as of right now we have no recordings of us as a duo to send into labels who would maybe be interested in putting said full length out. So our plan now is we are going to record another EP in the next month that will probably get released independently as a way of gaining interest with both the general gloom masses and so we can have a solid "demo" if you can call it that to send to labels. Now for all the die hard Ruined fans out there who have already carved "Kill God" into their arms don't get too excited. This EP will most likely have 3 songs on it, 2/3 of which are songs that I previously recorded by myself in my room. Now that third song will most likely be the brand new one we have been working on so if you have your headphones on and a belt tied around your neck anxiously awaiting new material you are in luck! You will be able to achieve gloom-gasm once again soon! But for the most part we wanted to finally have a recording that would be a better representation of our overall sound and capture more of that live essence that makes us worth talking about around the water cooler back at Gloom HQ.

When in Rome. Creep out tourists.

Today I will leave you with a nostalgic rant. You know how everyone knows that person who has been to Europe and they come back and it's all they talk about? And they won't shut up about how much better it is there and that they can't wait to go back? Well I have tried really hard the last 2 or 3 years not to be that guy. But the other day I got caught up watching old videos from the tour I did with BEARTRAP and WITCH CULT of our 59 shows in 60 days across the majority of Europe and I just got so fucking pumped. And you know what, this is my damn blog and I can say whatever the fuck I feel like so please feel free to tune out. I miss it so much over there. Everyone loves music and will listen to everything and rock to every band that comes to town especially if they are from another country. We are nothing like that over here, so fucking jaded. My pals from Europe, (if you're reading this Dean, Mazz and Fee I miss you all deeply,) talk about coming over here and I want them to but at the same time I know it would fucking honk for them. They'd make shit money and no one would give a fuck. But I also miss the raw aggression of playing hardcore/powerviolence music. I don't think I would ever start a band like that or become a permanent member but I would love to fill in again for a tour like that. I emerged from my shell a lot more becoming a part of that culture for a brief amount of time. And though it was frustrating and lonely at times I wouldn't pass up another opportunity like that for anything. I don't really have any point to all this other than occasionally I think we all need to ignore the advice of others, say fuck it to our jobs and financial security and just go fucking do something with our lives. Stay free, stay alive and stay gloomy.

One day I will return.

Northern Blights, Natural Speculation, (sic) And Tired Of Being A Nobody

Wealthy St. a week ago.

Been a while since I have posted anything on here. To be honest I think I have been too cold and shitty feeling to whine about anything else. Michigan got pelted with snow early this year and we actually had the snowiest November in Grand Rapid's history last set in 1895. So I could quite possibly be dead in the frozen Michigan earth before we see another November that was this encapsulated by the frigid hand of death. People can say what they want about living in the North, but it sure as fuck builds character. I'm sure hellish heat builds some character too but there is something special about that Northern character. It's brooding, barbarous and vicious. Unless you're a yuppie who goes from point A to B without ever having to scrape a windshield or shovel a sidewalk then you are JUST FUCKING DANDY!!!!! You may think that you have escaped the nefarious nature of the world outside your privileged bubble but if you come into contact with me or any of my associates we will make sure to shit all over your day. Fucking yup-trucks. Fuck em' all, fuck their world, fuck everything that they stand for.

Been drinking deep from the

maggot mountain springs again. 

Fern Gully was the most natural
thing I could think of. That pixie was
self actualized as fuck.

On the topic of nature, the other day I had a rather expansive conversation on the subject of human emotion and our place within nature. The subject of what is considered "natural" has always been something I have personally been fascinated with. I dabbled with the naturalist philosophies, specifically that of Alan Watts among others. He believed that human beings were just as much a part of nature as anything else and that we should strive to reconnect with what we have lost from our journey out of the woods. He once said "You and I are all as much continuous with the physical universe as a wave is continuous with the ocean." But as humans we like to think we have achieved some sort of permanence away from the natural order of things. By developing a stronger sense of reason and perhaps some intellectual prowess we have achieved some astounding things. But what we fail to realize is that we have barely made it out of the jungle. And in my opinion, in some ways I think we were never meant to get very far to begin with. I also read about the psychologist Abraham Maslow who developed a hierarchy of needs. He was a theorist who wrote a lot about the motivation of humans and what we all need to take care of in our lives in order to become fully self actualized people. But he believed that human needs went in order of: Physiological Needs, Safety, Intimacy, Esteem and then Self Actualization. I think it is interesting that intimacy is the very first need we strive for after our most basic essentials. The specific subject I was discussing about was the emotional toll that sex can have between people. And while I believe that emotions cannot be disregarded in that situation, it is imperative that we strive to reach a point of maturity where we are able to categorize our experiences whether they are sexual or not. With thousands of years of biological wiring telling us to pursue sexual intimacy it would be naive to believe that were were meant to ignore these manifestations of our essential human needs. I know that this was a bunch of college gibbery joo that no one probably gives a fuck about. But the point I was making is that sex can be a fleeting and vapid endeavor if you approach it with a misaligned perception. But it can also be a fruitful endeavor and an opportunity for personal growth if you seek your full potential. “A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be” - Abraham Maslow

Alright enough intellectual fucking bullshit. Let's talk about some more shit that pisses this Conklin boy right the fuck off. As a musician, I pretty much plan 99% of the time to never break even and I will always be a poor fuck-bag who has to eek his way through life forever. Also I have said this a lot but I really don't get pissed if no one buys my bands shit. If I played a fun show and had my catharsis if somebody buys my band's shit it is just vegan gravy. But I get really fucking pissed when I drag my band's shit to a gig and there is a fucking distro there. Now hold on a damn second don't pull out the DIY dagger and gore this maggot. I have a love/hate relationship with distros I should say. In some ways I think it's cool that someone who maybe doesn't play music can still participate in the local scene and I also know that distros will often times carry local/touring DIY bands merch. But let's be realistic, if a distro does buy a DIY band's shit they are most likely a band that at least some people give a shit about. So essentially, if I am in the shitty band that no one cares about (yet?) then a distro is just a gallows where I could have left my mark on a city. No one is going to spend the 7 bucks they have in their pocket to buy my band's tape if the distro has Captain Fuck-Hammer and the Trench Taint's latest 7 inch, "Step-Dad Genocide." Then I say to myself, "Well Zach, you just have to bring the fucking thunder tonight and make those kids NEED to own your shitty tape." So I end up rocking so hard that I puke blood and maybe 3 emo kids think it's okay but unfortunately they already spent their allowance on the debut release from The World Is A Shit Hole And Yet I Can't Find A Good Place To Take A Dump. Alright, I'm done. Stay Gloomy.

True Gloom.

To Defy The Laws Of Tradition, The Public Sucks, Fuck Hope

Me after the show. It was coo.

Another gloomy ass day here in Michigan. I slept 12 hours last night and I believe I am finally caught up on my sleep now. I have been pretty run down the last few days since I went and saw Primus in Detroit on Monday. Needless to say the show was incredible and I can't believe it took me so long to finally see them live. But I didn't get home until about 2 am and I had to be up for work 4 hours later. So I was pretty fucked up the last couple of days but I think I feel better now. I know everyone says this about celebrities or musicians they love but I really think that I would love hanging out with Les Claypool. We seen really like minded in some ways. He is kind of whacky and weird, but he is actually gloomy as fuck. He was explaining that the song "Mrs. Blaileen" was about a kid in his class who killed another kid. I wish he would have talked more I wanted to hear about each song. He did call out this stupid jam-band fuckwad in the front row who was whipping everyone around him with his dreads it was great. On the drive home we talked about scary moments from our childhoods and how we should all start a gun club. Perhaps the two topics were connected in some way I can't recall. But overall it was a great experience and I can't wait until the next time they come to town so I can get in the pit and try to love someone.

Gloom warrior in whacky clothing.

In other news our nation hit the polls on Tuesday. I am not going to go on a political rant here because I believe politics are the vapid manifestations of craven harbingers and heartless manipulators. No my topic today is not about the cogs of democracy or the illusion of power but more so the cohabitation of thoughtful individuals. For the most part, especially when it comes to politics, I have kept a general "To each their own" philosophy. I know that there is little point in arguing with someone about our opposing perspectives on whether or not the president will put tariffs on imported mule piss or whether or not the senate will pass the "Kill All Brown People" bill. At the end of the day, both people are just going to get mad and accomplish jack shit. But as I said for the most part I am quite ambivalent on what people choose to do whether they choose to vote or not vote. After all God hates us all and we're all going to rot one day so why pid a paddum if you don't have to? But every couple of years when the trench coat of political process opens and shows us all it's perverted amalgamated manhood I am left exasperated from my peers. There is something incredibly personal about the act of participating in political agenda isn't there? I can only tell you from personal experience but I promise that I could tell a religious person, "Hey, your God is a farse and you're a fucking idiot." And they would get offended but for the most part would likely disregard what I said and find comfort in knowing I will burn forever and they will not. But dare it be suggested that someone just doesn't give a fuck either way, it is earth shattering. I have lost friendships, had relationships fall apart and even had a dad slap me repeatedly because of my political abstention. I had no issue with their choice to include themselves in something I didn't believe in, but they could not see through to let me follow my own path. And one thing I have learned is the ideologically we would all live in the gray and be open to all other thoughts and opinions and never tip the scale. But realistically that is not the world we live in, and true balance is the polar magnetism of opposition. I could of course go on an even longer rant but in summation, just please leave me the fuck alone about that shit. And yeah, fuck voting. Thanks.

Our album release party.

Otherwise, a small Ruined update before I go find some food. We finished a new song last night and overall I am really excited about it. It's really different for us in some ways. It's kind of disgustingly heavy and at the same time progressive in parts. I am excited to play it live on day and it will hopefully make people's bowels release at every gig. We'll go on the "Shit Kicker Tour" and become legends across the globe overnight. With that song in the bag though we plan on writing one more song that is in the vein of a solid "typical" Ruined song which will pretty much wrap up our full length material. I have a couple of other tracks to solidify and we will be working over the next couple months to hammer out all the material we have but we hope to hit the studio early next year. I cannot wait to get this record done and buy a van and hit the road fucking hard. I want to try and go to the west coast and back next spring and maybe do a tour of the south also. These of course are all pipe dreams right now but I feel like I just need to push through this winter and maybe the things I have been striving for will finally come to fruition. Look at me, getting all hopeful and shit. That's fucky man. Stay Gloomy. 

Pickles The Bummer, Dan and Thom Reunited By Fate, Seek The Unsought

My emotional state the last few days.

I have just begun pulling myself out of a recent funk. For some reason the last 4 or 5 days I have had a listless and anxious feeling at the same time. I can't exactly put my finger on what was bothering me. I was having strange dreams and a sense of dread followed me wherever I went. I am constantly having to remind myself to encourage my other hobbies and interests that aren't music. Such as reading books, working out or just doing things that I don't normally do. Overall I had a great sense of neurosis, which I have learned is a guiding light in my life. It is a connection to my unconscious; a missive that reminds me that my life is out of balance. I believe that my maladies have been laid to rest for now with a stirring of my cerebral semblance. My dejection stems from a relentless criticality that haunts and galvanizes me since as long as I can remember. Which is why I can never go to shows that I don't play at. I went to see This Will Destroy You last week and it was cool. But I would say that my despondency began the night of that show. I have a great sense of joy while watching the show but also a strong sense of sadness wishing I could be doing what they are doing. People have always told me I am fucking stupid for feeling that way and that I should just go see my friends bands and be supportive and blah blah blah fuck you no cheers. Which in principle I agree and I often times wish I could overcome my own hang ups and just go have fun. But then I remember that God hates us all and No Fun Not Ever.

Great record.

Thom and Dan interview in it's purest form.

Which speaking of No Fun Not Ever, I listened to "Deathconciousness" by Have A Nice Life and "Desideratum" by Planning for Burial at work today and I finally was able to listen to the maiden broadcast of the first Legrand Society podcast by Enemies List Home Recordings when I got home. Dan Barrett of Have A Nice Life interviews Thom Wasluck of Planning For Burial and it was a lot of fun to listen to. There was a few parts that really struck a harmony with me, the first one was when they were talking about sets going shitty and coming off the stage and being able to face the compliments of others. This is something I have struggled with a lot and I have had multiple people tell me that I need to cut it out. In summation they were basically saying that 9 times out of 10 most people never would notice if your set went badly, and that if they approach you after a show and say "Great set!" and you respond with "Fuck you shit-shark. Get some new fucking ears." You essentially do two things: You manipulate their perception and memory of your set even if they loved it, and you in essence are calling them a fucking idiot who has no taste. Which so far I would say that at least 1/3 of the people who talk to me after a show have no fucking clue what they just saw and are just sort of conforming to social norms. Which I still appreciate that they took the time to approach me and let me know it was cool to watch. But I don't sense that I had any genuine affect on their life in any real way. Which is very subjective and I have no way of knowing how piercing or temporal any interaction can be. But at the same time, I don't think I am behooving anyone by shitting on my own set. I should try to be more neutral about my emotions if a set did go shitty but it really is tough.

So true.

Now enough introspective reflection, I think it's time I just complain about some shit that bugged me the other day. I have been noticing a transference of people seeking wisdom from their peers in the form of anonymous messaging via Tumblr or some other social networking. The anonymous option when messaging people to me is a dangerous veil. Because to me, if I can't contact someone without hiding behind a shroud of anonymity then I probably shouldn't be saying what I am saying. That reveals that my tidings are venomous and abhorrent. Which I'm sure we have all seen posts like this and have been disturbed. But I am also really annoyed that I see people all the time asking other people anonymously about life advice or guidance. Which normally these people are trying to find affirmation from people they find attractive but from behind a creepy curtain and distant scope. And now these sages of modern times are completely oblivious and are the definition of narcissistic necessity. They have no concern for these people and their adulation is merely a rotting corpse at the foot of their throne of vanity. I know I am kind of flying off the handle and not making any sense anymore so I will just be blunt. If you need advice about something, don't ask some random fuck you don't even know and their ability to post selfies does not signify that they are any closer to self actualization than you. And to the false pontificating prophets of the interwebs, make like a tree and fuck off. Don't pretend that you care about these faceless few who reach out from the shadows to pine over you. You are not charming, you are not thoughtful, you are nothing special. Stay Gloomy.       

The German Himself Does Not Exist, He Is Becoming, He Is "Developing Himself"

I have been missing
Europe a lot lately.

Alright I just woke up from a nap so I am feeling pretty groggy and shitty. I am sipping on some coffee and listening to some noir-as-fuck jams right now so this post could go anywhere. I am quite languid at the moment so I am not sure if my typical bubbling rage will reach the surface or not but who knows. I am listening to the album "Sunset Mission" by this band called Bohren and Der Club of Gore. As you can imagine they are German and it is some of the best shit I have heard in a long time. Ambient jazz mixed with sultry soundscapes and avant-garde electronics. Watch out Scorpions, and hold onto your flame shooting cod pieces Rammstein, there's a new cowboy in town. Well, like 15 years ago they were new but still. Not the type of band I would expect to come out of Germany though. My experience with playing shows in Germany was a place of kindhearted natures and fellowship. Minus the fact that they didn't seem to grasp the concept of holding doors open for people. Everywhere else I went in Europe when I would be carrying an 80 pound cab most people (despite the language barrier) would sense that I would appreciate if they held the door open. I couldn't even get people to move out of the way in a crowded room I had to just gently barrel into them and they'd look at me like I was the asshole. Yeah in fact I would say I felt genuinely ignored the entire time I was in that country so fuck that kindhearted thing I said earlier. Now I am just mumbling about nothing though and should probably move on. ONWARD!

Bomb ass ambiance.

Coo...

I have had a much more placid repose as of late. As many of you know I am often times crushed by an asphyxiating sense of urgency to make my goals become realities. Primarily when it comes to my music and the distance I wish to go with my music. Yet often times I find myself picking up my bass and feeling arid and listless. Often times this is due to the demanding mental and physical strain of my job. If my co-workers weren't so coo I would probably be found in a psychiatric ward sobbing and eating my own excrement. To anyone reading this who ever buys food from anywhere, could you stop being such fucking shit-hammers? It's just food okay? Sure being hungry honks, but the sun will explode one day and your body will be torn asunder by a solar flare so intense that your eyes will become liquid mercury and you will choke where you stand as your lungs ignite like thermite as your chest cavity becomes another Hindenburg tragedy. You will be left nothing more that an ashen prodigality and none of this shit will matter anymore. Which if your anything like me that gives me great comfort and fills me with a sense of calm. But when I am not feeling these urgent and onerous sensations I have been taking great joy in the little things that life has to offer. I have been watching South Park a lot again lately which reconnects me with my teenage years. I have been doing a lot of research again for some new pedals I am interested in getting which gives me something to look forward to. And I have been gaming periodically still which always helps me escape the burdens of everyday life. 

Me 36 hours from now.

And on the subject of gaming, I have posted this a few times online already. But starting tomorrow night I will be gaming for 24 HOURS STRAIGHT with my brother as a charity event for Helen Devos Children's Hospital. I have almost reached my goal but if any of you would like to donate and help me close the gap I would greatly appreciate it. Feel free to DONATE HERE and any donation would be greatly appreciated. I am not as young as I once was and this is going to be quite a journey. My brother plans to stream our progress via Twitch.tv and I will be sure to post that tomorrow when we get all set up. Now that I have gotten my charitable bit out of the way, fuck everybody and God hates us all. Stay Gloomy.   

Borderlands: The Pre-Sequality, Punk Fucks, Putrid Pabulum

This is the character I have
been playing as "Nisha." She
is kind of a meany but her skill
tree is sick.

Allow me to take a moment to reach out and reconnect with the outside world. You see I have been battling Scav's on Elpis the moon of Pandora for the last couple of days. To any noobs out there, this means that the new Borderlands "The Pre Sequel" finally came out on Tuesday and I have been tending the nerd shrine beneath the radiance of my computer monitor ever since; stirring the effervescence of my loser lifeblood. It has been a welcome retreat as the horrific troll that is ArtPrize returns to it's yearly slumber. Overall I would say the game itself is quite solid with a lot of new contrivance to keep the game fresh and exciting while still remaining familiar and evocative. While being made in Australia I wasn't expecting the majority of voice over work to be done by Australian actresses and actors but they take amusing potshots at themselves and American idiosyncrasies. I especially appreciate the fun yet subtle expansion of social awareness within the game. For example, (mild SPOILER alert ahead,) one of the first female characters you meet turns out to prefer the company of woman for her romantic partners. And when something goes awry she will shout the gender neutral diction "Son of a Taint!" Omitting the misogynistic nomenclature we have all come to know and hate. They even tackle the act of "Friend Zoning" in one mission I was sent on by a muscular man who bleeds testosterone who was rejected by the earlier woman. But he calls himself out with socially aware dogma before anyone else even has a chance to correct him. It was refreshing to play such a fun game that is proud to wear it's ESRB rating of "M for MATURE" like a badge of honor while still using it as an opportunity to be tactful, perceptive, and socially enlightened. Who says you can't cover a psycho in acid, shoot him in the head and butt slam them to oblivion and still be empathetic?

We've all been there.

Yep.

On the subject of being socially aware and making efforts to alienate less people, I have had a mild gripe lately. As I'm sure you all know by now I pretty much hate everyone and everything and usually am drawn to the shitty side of people before I would ever accept them into my fold of friends. Which is why I have very few friends and I divorce myself from the ones I have so that I may remain gloom pure. But when I do make friendships or even fleeting interactions with strangers I cherish them deeply whether they know it or not. But what I would like to talk about briefly today is "community." I put that in quotations because what does that mean? Like anything it is a subjective concept that must be analyzed and questioned  to define it. But the first rule you learn in any philosophy class is that you can't play the subjective card. You can't let someone off the hook just because of their own individual perspectives they developed from their upbringing and environment. Otherwise Johnny McChrist-Told-Me-To-Do-It would be running around doing Kerry King knows what. Whatever it is it would most likely involve scripture, a case of Gatorade and a buck knife. But my most recent quarrel with community is that is seems that a lot of people use it as an excuse to actually repudiate and forsake people they feel are not worthy of "their" community. Which you know my maggot motto, "Fuck them all, fuck this world, fuck everything that you stand for." But alas these people hide behind a veil of acceptance as a way to sublimate their coven of vestal punk shitbags. I can't tell if it is that they are completely self-defeating or if subconsciously they actually enjoy ostracizing people while simultaneously being grandiose about their own dejected protagonist identity in the social story of our existence. Whichever it is, I could never understand the dichotomy of acting so affirming towards others while also shitting on everyone who doesn't think exactly the same way you do. I mean none of this matters since God Hates Us All but still, it's annoying.   

Fuck I'm hungry.

Lets end on a happy fun time magic sprinkle rainbow sunshine note today! Lets see here...hmm...Oh I heard that the Ebola thing is simmering down apparently. It's pretty crazy how much people panic over that stuff. Obviously it would really suck shit to have that happen to myself or someone I know or anyone for that matter. Well not anyone, I'll be honest if some Ebola got into the fitted hat distribution facility and every fucker who walks around with those stupid gold stickers on the brim of their hat would puke out their own larynx I would probably sleep better at night. It does blow my mind how scared people are about this shit when they don't think about the shit that they are exposed to every day. I won't go on a big vegan asshole statistic shootout but 8 of the 9 major pathogens that have killed people in the last few centuries, (especially since the Industrial Revolution,) have been directly correlated to animal husbandry and factory farming. You see that is what pisses me off, I don't even eat that bullshit and I could still be struck down by some super zoonotic disease that will melt my face and make me shit battery acid. I don't worry about this stuff though, I know Kerry King has a plan for all of us. If it is within his shredding wisdom to have me writhing in agony on my bathroom floor retching black bile then so be it. Thy will be done. Boy I really missed the mark on ending this on a happy note didn't I? Oh well, fuck it do it live. Stay Gloomy.    

Slay on wise one.

Asshole Association of Radical Piety, On The Juice, Regretful Reminiscence

Me at work.

I skipped last week for various reasons. The leading reason being that I had a really boring week and had nothing to talk about. You see my life is quite monotonous and I have been spending my days either slaying demons, slaying dragons or occasionally slaying demonic dragons. Or I am at work facing the yuppie invasion that is ArtPrize. Luckily there is only a few more days left and we can be safe once more until next harvest. I don't know what is worst, the young naive yuppie larva or the pious elderly arthropods who expelled the amniotic sac the yuppies breached in order to ruin my fucking day. These aren't the elders I grew up around, these people are the definition of privilege. They believe everything should be handed to them because of their AARP status, "The Grand Marshall of Bag Balm." I have always respected the wisdom of those older than me, but these are just the vacuous husks of the same boring shitty people we all despise today. The yuppies of today will be the arbitrary and mercurial pissants of tomorrow. All of my grandparents were industrious, loving and forgiving people who knew a lot about living simply and within our means. If I get one more seasoned woman ripping my head off because her hazelnut coffee is "Too hazelnutty" or another wretch of a man barking "If I don't get four quarters I will never come here again!" I will howl to the unforgiving sky and shot-put their broken bodies into the nearest bee hive. In the words of George Carlin, "Fuck these boomers, fuck these yuppies, and fuck everybody now that I think of it."

Necro-Baby and I at the gig.

In brighter news Ruined played with Jucifer last Monday and it went really fucking well. Sky and I were both a little nervous about playing at a new venue that is meant for "big boy" bands. We also weren't sure how well received we would be since it was going to be mostly a bar crowd. I have never liked playing bar shows and up to this point every bar show I had ever played went really shitty. But for those of you not familiar with the venue here in Grand Rapids called The Pyramid Scheme it is actually a cool joint. The biggest upside for me was that the venue is separate from the main bar area and you have to pay to get into the venue. The only reason this is cool is that it increases the likelihood that only people interested in music will be allowed in. So it keeps a lot of the shitasses who just want to sit and try and get laid our of the mix. There is still a small bar within the venue but for the most part anyone in the room is there to actually WATCH the bands play. As always though as soon as I grabbed my bass and got my game face on it all felt really natural and we sounded good and the set went really smooth. We ended the set with a cover of "Too Many Puppies" by Primus that I am pretty sure took everyone by surprise. Needless to say too Jucifer's set was fucking mind blowing. By that point I was getting extremely tired though since I am normally in bed by 9 o'clock cause I am a fucking loser. But I look forward to hopefully playing there again in the future.  

"Too many puppies are taught to heel."

Me everyday during
my early 20's.

In gloomy ass news I made the mistake of reflecting upon old memories and past miseries. Though my station in life is rooted in a more stable sense of emotional permanence, I can't help but have a sense of longing for mistakes I may have made or at least for never seeking resolution with certain people who perhaps held an important role in my past. I talk about this a lot; how some people are just shit-turds who will never change or listen to reason. And though we may seek sanctuary from having to face these people ever again, the fact remains that their impact still haunts us to this very day. We all have varying degrees that we almost seem to seek out discontentment and even are drawn to people who make us regret every interaction with them. Some people are completely fine with avoiding people who they know in their hearts and minds as being completely unstable and not worth interacting with. But for me, I still bubble beneath the surface now and then with the curiosity of wondering where people are and even wish I had handled things differently so we could at least be on speaking terms. But alas I know that most likely this will all fade into vapor and I will return to my daily thoughts of hatred and insecurity with the world around me. I only mention this as to give strength to others and to receive it back in kindness when facing my own personal demons. I don't have any wise words for those of you dealing with a similar internal struggle, all I can say is that my mind has a firm and rational hold on my current life. I have a clear vision of how I need to live my life and to whom I need to steer from to stay bound to tepid existence. But my soul's desires will always be enigmatic at best. A turbid maelstrom of faith and doubt. I must spend out my days seeking balance within the dichotomy of my spiritual wisdom. I know that this whole thing was vague, confusing and overall a waste of you time. But I just needed to express myself and I enjoy ranting from time to time. Anyways, forever and always. Stay Gloomy.   

Bible Biography, Mystic Myth, Juicy Journal

Keeping the cred.

I went out thrifting the other day and actually found some really cool stuff. I found a genuine silver soap dish thingy that I am going to use for holding picks on my desk, a small old wooden box I will use for keeping tiny treasure in and finally a Bible that was published in 1855. I know what you're all thinking, "Yo I think Zach is losing his damn Maggot mind bro!" I assure you, you are mistaken. Firstly the book itself is trashed. It's beat to shit and the cover has been torn from the binding. Time has seen to it's desecration. It was in a display case and I asked the woman if I could see it and upon closer inspection I said aloud, "It's in pretty rough shape..." Thereby the woman responded with, "Well that's a good thing! That means it got used!" Of course in that moment my face tore open and my hellion host burst out and puked lava bile all over her and she melted as her screams echoed endlessly to the empty heavens. In actuality I merely restrained myself by stabbing myself in the leg with a ceremonial dagger I keep on hand in times of crisis. But I did end up buying it and it has been fascinating to turn through the pages and think about the hands that held this book. Nikola Tesla was born a year after this book was made and he lived and died his entire time on this Earth in the span of this books existence. The North and South were just starting to get pissed at each other as the American Civil War didn't commence until 1861. I don't know about you, but that shit blows my fucking mind. Maybe a Chaplin braved the battle fields casting restoration spells on fallen comrades. Perhaps a dragon swept down and he was forced to used a master level destruction spell to fell the irreverent beast! Whoops sorry, still been playing Skyrim a lot lately. All in all I don't usually get too caught up in collecting historical artifacts but this is easily the oldest thing I own and probably will be for a long time. And I am glad a heathen like me was able to swoop in and keep it from a pious shit-pisser who would attenuate the appreciation of this item. Now I just need Kerry King to autograph it and then I'll really have something.

A mystic medicine man.

Speaking of unholy atrocity and shit, the fall solstice was a few days ago. This brought about some new vigor for me in many different ways. First of all, I put little stock in the powers of astrology, the Moon cycles, solar activity, time between bowel movements, crystal resonance, atmospheric oscillations, jerking off upside down or whether the ground hog sees his shadow or not. But I do accept the unimaginable naiveté that the human experience befalls us so I leave the door open that all these things may be a piece to the incalculable enigma that is the universe and the impact it could have on us in unfathomable ways. That being said; fuck Moon children, Earth descendants, Sun sprouts or any other occult denominations. I give you pagans an extra mile on things because you we're here first and I would begrudgingly rather be trapped on a deserted island with you than Johnny McChrist-Humper any day of the week. But once you've reached the age of reason it's time to drop the shit and crawl out from under that rock just like any other delusional neophyte. And I hate to sound contradictory, but hey I am just some fucker from Conklin so please disregard all of this, I am just here to help. If there is one thing I am, it's a person who loves helping others. But I found an image the other day that had to do with "Moon symbols." Who knows what the fuck that means, but I did find it interesting to learn about the different symbols and what they meant. I used to be under the "Carlinian" philosophy of, "Leave symbols to the symbol-minded." But I think symbols can be a compelling and authoritative aspect of culture. Which can be both marvelous and malignant all at once. So I have grown to appreciate symbols for their caprice and almost supernatural influence. So I occasionally enjoy reading a horoscope or hearing whether or not Jupiter's 3rd moon is going to fuck me over this week. But I don't let it degrade my sense of reason and should be taken in with scrutiny and a distance to see things for what they are. Because remember, all of this is just shit someone made up. It's all make believe. But make believe can be fun every now and then. I can't wait till I can go slay more dragons when I'm done with this stupid post.

Footage from a recent
Jucifer show.

As I often do, I will leave you all with a short update about Ruined and the progress we are making. We have finally booked a show at The Pyramid Scheme October 6th opening for Jucifer. We are playing a completely brand new song that we have been working on for a while now that will hopefully go off well. (I must admit, every bar show I have ever played has gone horribly array so I am mildly nervous about that.) But Sky and I are both excited to play this show and to finally play a local show that we might actually, sort of, kind of fit the bill a little bit. Obviously vocally we are a whimpy fuckhead band but I think we might be vaguely in the unholy realm of similarity when it comes to our overall sound. But of course Jucifer will obliterate all opposition and will turn your vital organs into liquid shit. So come on out if you feel like dying slowly while the trembling thunder of their amplifiers ruptures the ground beneath you as your life-force pools at your feet and spills into the Earth. Until finally your bones crumble and you are left nothing more than an ashen waste. If that sounds like fun, here's the event page for the show and come on down! (JUCIFER EVENT PAGE)

Northern Renaissance, Calm Before The Norms, If He Had A Rich Man In His Hand

Mmm...Pistol Whip...

It has been another rousing week for this Renaissance man. Kerry King I wish I was a Renaissance man; I would write poetry while reading physics books and swim across Lake Superior using my bass as a flotation device/creative output . I have been so envious of others and wallowing a lot lately. Which is great stimulation for personal innovation but nonetheless I am left wanting more from life. Everywhere I look it seems that acquaintances are off on some great adventure or making plans for their next one. Everyone around me tells me I am being too clamorous and that I can't have music be the paramount of my existence. But honestly unless I am on tour, recovering from a tour or booking the next tour I am pretty much a barren shell; an astringent apparition clutching to evanescent memories. So basically until I can afford a van I am going to keep whining and complaining on here over and over again about the same shit and how now one likes me or my shitty band. I apologize in advance for having to deal with that. I did just start a new character in "Skyrim" though so I guess that I do have some adventures waiting for me. Nothing soothes the soul quite like slaying a dragon. Except maybe not being a loser and doing something with my life instead of writing about how much I hate everything. I should be pistol whipped until I forget all about my fruitless aspirations. Fuck it, do it live.

Me during ArtPrize.
Confused and imbalanced.

Speaking of the Renaissance and hating everything, ArtPrize is upon us once again! By this time next week I will be neck deep in yuppie shit-monocles. For those of you who don't live in or around Grand Rapids, ArtPrize is a yearly "art competition" where a bunch of fucking mouth-breathers swarm our city for 2 weeks and everyone gets to vote for the best artwork and the winner get's $200,000 to go create more inconsequential, knavish bullshit devoid of any relevance or cultural importance. I have complained about this the past couple of years but I have to lament and express my pure unadulterated malice I have for this shit. First of all, 98% of the entire American population are complete, absolute, outright fucking insensate imbeciles. 80% of those people live in the Midwest. So whom better to judge the "artistic expression" of the aristocracy than the beguiled brutes of Middle America? But honestly, I wouldn't mind the proverbial upper middle class "circle jerk" known as ArtPrize so much if it just didn't affect me so much on a daily basis. These vacuous automatons meander into my place of work every single moment of every single day for the duration of this tragically hallowed gala. They almost look human, aside from the fact that they feed their progeny motor oil and that their skin is actually liquid mercury. The key is to look into their dead eyes, that's the easiest way to spot them. Sometimes it is hard though because they often refrain from making eye contact and prefer to look back at their tedious compatriots while transferring their credit cards. Kerry King forbid they look at you when they have important business to attend to or while downloading new updates from the inane Hive Mind that tells them how to live everyday. You are nothing more than a vending machine to them. Remember, they believe they own you. And ArtPrize is nothing more than a colossal reminder that what is considered stirring and ingenious to the masses is nothing but a vapid identity spilled upon canvas. Once again though, I wouldn't have it any other way. True art and expression should always be buried beneath the bastions of orthodox scrutiny. I say let them toil in their trivial endeavors; the creative pool spirals fastest before the drain. Just stay the fuck away from me.

This is what I see when I take an order.

"But I being poor have only my dreams..."

All this talk about how the average person lives actually makes me feel a lot better about my own stake in life! Sure I am just an idiot who plays bass and wishes I was cool but thank Kerry King I am not working in some office worrying about T.P.S. reports or drudging around the water cooler talking about frivolous trite.And sometimes I wish I had gone further with my schooling and I think for a lot of people they are able to find purpose and meaning in their education and I truly applaud them for that. As William Butler Yeats once said, "Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire." But almost any career I would have chosen I know I would have been forever miserable and live with constant regret. If for nothing else, just imagining the people I would have to surround myself with would be enough to make me retch into a recycling bin every day. I have said this many times and I am sure I will say it many time more, but to me life is about acquiring a wealth of experiences and not experiencing the amenities of wealth. I guess my point is that being poor you gain more character and as long as you enjoy the few joys you may have then you will be a better person for it. In summation, just stay fucking gloomy.

"Who would be a poor man, a beggarman, a thief?"