Sunday, February 24, 2013

Nerd Nucleus, People = Shit, Longing Update

A universe of mouth-breathers...abandon all hope...
I would like to open this today with the obvious: there are a shitload of fucking morons out there in the world. My misanthropy only grows with every passing day. One day I hope I can live in the woods 300 miles away from the nearest human being. If I could have that and a high speed internet connection then I'd be all set. Perhaps one day, over the rainbow, I will live in the Gumdrop Forrest near Marshmallow Bay. I have said it many times before but 9/11 just made this country so fucking boring. There is no character anymore. You can't get truck drivers to honk their horns on the highways, and it only made white people more scared thereby allowing "liberties" to be even more fucked. Nu Metal got heavier though, so that's good. I made an awesome Nu Metal playlist at work today, that's going to get a lot of fucking plays from this cowboy I can tell you that. Fuck yeah. It's not Nu Metal but I have been listening to HORSE The Band a shitload lately. I have been loving nerdom so damn much.

Early in the day though I listened to the comedian Stephen Lynch. I used to listen to his records all the time when I was younger and then I remembered that I used to be a total fucking moron like the people I despise. I found myself only laughing occasionally, and that was only when God was being ridiculed. And I thought about where my "line" is these days. The movie "God Bless America" really encapsulated a lot of things I agree with. The main character in the film has a lot of great speeches and rants that I really loved seeing in a modern movie. And why is misogyny, racism, and homophobia not okay to joke about but saying "fuck God" is hilarious? For me it's about offending the right people, or perhaps righteous people. And how original is it to tell a rape joke? Or to call someone a "faggot?" It's been done. It was done a long time ago when your fucked up ancestors started this mess. You don't have to perpetuate archaic mores left behind by fuckheads. Speaking of left behind, can I get a pit stomp from all my maggots? KEEEYAH!!!

Longing is practicing tomorrow which should be a gay old time. For those who don't know we are playing with Planning For Burial April 12th in Kalamazoo. I am hoping to not only have all of our old stuff solid as frozen shit, but to hopefully have some new songs done by then and maybe even have some sort of recordings and merch available. Maybe have records wrapped in Birch tree bark with corpse ash ink. That'd be brutal. I have 2 songs that both have to do with drowning and I have a pipe dream of putting those onto a 7 inch eventually. Dreams make me linger on I guess. 

Friday, February 22, 2013

Gloom I Choose You!!!, The Gift Of Being Grateful, Fuck You Ronald

I started playing/watching Pokemon today. It has been really exciting and I really want to get a Pokemon tattoo sometime soon. I pretty much only want really gloomy shit and nerdy shit to be tattooed on me now. But on the subject of being nerdy, I mentioned to some people that I was excited to play Pokemon for at least 7 hours on my day off. And in the past I have been met with scoffs or judgement. When Borderlands 2 came out I pretty much drank my own urine and tried to survive simply by metastasizing my own waste, but to no avail. I did occasionally have to leave and get food or some dumb shit like that. Same story for when Diablo 3 and Skyrim came out. And when I was struggling with my World Of Warcraft addiction during my later teen years. I would be awoken from my slumber with dreams of conquest and would play WoW before school and all day after school. Luckily I always had a bass in my hands at the same time or I would have been a level 70 Loser with a Shield of Virginity and Sword of Premature Ejaculation. And I know what a lot of you are thinking, "What a pathetic turdgoblin..." But think about it, how often in life are you driven from your sleep with excitement? Once? Maybe twice a year? If you ask me, that's pathetic. Even if it is all fantasy, the fact that my senses and mind are stirred with passion even for a few hours is enthralling and I wouldn't have it any other way. So needless to say, I am proud to be a fucking loser nerd. And I have said this many times in the past, but if there is an afterlife, I will only be satisfied if I become an Elven demon hunting wizard with a Gunblade who befriends Pokemon and liberates Pokemon forever and ever.

In other news, I got my disposable camera developed the other day. I only got 1 batch of copies and they offered to put the pictures on a disc and I refused. Which really seemed to confuse them. And I thought about that for a while and it's my belief that you can't truly appreciate something unless it can be lost or taken from you. I think pictures are a great way to document a memory and to bring back warm feelings of nostalgia, but I also think they are meant to be personal mementos. And if you truly wish to share them with others then have them come to your fucking house and look at that shit and you can all bond over them together. I'm sure that's what sharing bong hits is like. Communal and everyone gets to enjoy the experience. As always, George Carlin has a great bit about this topic. Let me see if I can find a clip of it...merrrrrrOh! I found it! It has a bit about cowboys before it but all of it's fucking gold.

In summation, I was taught in English and writing classes that conclusion paragraphs are so 1976. But fuck that noise, we keep it real and we keep it Conklin. In which case I should be typing this with my toes while biting on a knife and sitting on a Jack Daniel's bottle. Which also reminds me, my village was in a fucking McDonald's ad. I tried to forget about this fucking garbage. Watch this video below to see what was across the street from my house. The fact that McDonald's had to come to fucking Conklin Michigan to find a "family farm" that supplies them apples should be evidence of how fucked agribusiness is overall. But that's a whole different rant for another day. Just remember, as a young boy there were days where I would wonder why my eyes burned and I would look across the street and see giant toxic spraying equipment. There is no fresh, all natural, GMO free, low hormone, high nutrition, or fair trade food at fucking McDonald's. Don't eat that garbage and don't be fooled by some good ole boys in the sunshine. Decent food is barely a niche market, so those 5 organic farmers you know are about 0.00000001% of the world of anyone who gives a shit. We're all dying slow horrible deaths and there is really nothing that can be done. I can abstain from shit for the rest of my life but I'll still die from a pathogen that grew out of a factory farm down the road. Fuck I ranted, anyways watch this shit and know that the potato mines are nothing like this. We keep it real in the inky blackness of the potato pit.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Heroin Hero, Galactic Vegan Federation, Aged Whine

I listened to "Californication" by Red Hot Chili Peppers today at work. It had been a long time since I have listening to that record. It is pretty much the only RHCP record that I am super familiar with and I used to know a lot of basslines off that record. But it's also a bittersweet record for me. My dad, brother and I listened to it a lot during a camping trip we took many years ago. It was a fun trip but I miss that innocence. Like they say, "You never come home." I read most of Anthony Kiedis' biography a while back. I really enjoyed it for the most part, but it started getting really repetitive. "So I would get up and try and score some heroin, then I would have sex probably 14 times and then by then I would want some cocaine. Needless to say my life was pretty hectic." I find it interesting that 2 of my favorite guitarists (Monte Davis Jr. and Graham Henning) both site John Frusciante as being one of, if not their biggest musical influence. Pretty fascinating how a man I will probably never meet affected my life so drastically through his playing which spoke to these two titans of rock. One of these days I want them both to shred on a track, that would seriously blow my fucking mind. I am tearing up right now just imagining it.

Speaking of shredding, I got to listen to the rough tracks that Procession recorded a few weeks ago. They are still very rough, but already I can tell this is going to be the best stuff we have ever put out. I know I have said this a bagillion times but I can't wait until Britty gets her hands on these. They are already amazing songs and once vocals are put on them they will break through the stratosphere and enter the Almond Milky Way Galaxy. Orthopedic surgeons will praise us for all the work they will receive from people starring at floors and THRASHING to the catchy rhythms.

Otherwise, I am hoping to sit down and play through all of the Longing material tomorrow and really get the ball rolling again with that stuff. I have barely even sang for over a month now. I guess it's more like moaning and whining. I site whining as being my main influence when it comes to vocals. "I have feeeeeeeeellllliiiiinnnggggssssssssss!!!!!!  I'm so fucking saaaaaaaaaadddddddddd!!!!! WAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!! No one likes meeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! I wish I was cooooooooooooo!!!! Cause then people would like meeeeee!!! But I'm not coooooooooooooo!!!!!!" I just got out of work so I am just super tired. But yeah, Longing actually has quite a bit of material so hopefully tomorrow will be productive and gloomy. Pretty much only 2 things make me happy, potatoes and bippy. Everything else is DUMB. Some of us are meant to die young. 

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Just The Nip, Mothra Returns, Wisdom From The Mines

Have you ever spilled some sort of liquid on your shirt? I'm sure you have, you're only human. But if you're like me, you only spill a drop of liquid because you are always keen, focused and sober as a carrot. But that one drop, iridescent and indiscriminate, always... ALWAYS seems to land on the tip of your nipple. The entirety of your shirt is completely dry except that one little spot right where your nipple is! Kerry King that is so fucking annoying! I like stimulation as much as the next person but that is just frustrating! On top of that, lets put you into a hypothetical situation. You are using a deli slicer, obviously only the most elite sentient beings on Earth have handled this piece of equipment. So I will describe it to you, basically it's a big fucking metal gizmo with a giant ass blade that spins to slice flesh efficiently and evenly (just ask my middle finger...) But this thing comes apart, including a heavy platform complete with a weight with points on the bottom of it. This weight slides up and down a smooth steal pole. So back to our scenario, you are fuming from wet nipple syndrome so you are distracted. So while reattaching the platform, the weight slides swiftly and crushes your other nipple between plastic spikes and solid stainless steal! Talk about "FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!!"

Anywho, Mothra went on tour this past weekend. Oh actually I meant Tristram, sorry about that. We played a show in Grand Rapids on the 14th and it was pretty much like I expected it to go. Shitty. But I learned a long time ago back in the potato mines of Conklin, "The more shit you have, the warmer the nights will be...alone...forever..." Then we drove to Milwaukee but got caught in traffic for 2 hours and Codi and I did BANE IMPERSONATIONS while Richard DIDN'T LAUGH. We got to the house and it ended up being really cool and we played well. Then we went to a co-op the next morning and hung out with some cool people and ate awesome vegan breakfast sandwiches. After we fueled up we went to Chicago and played another great show with a lot of cool bands. Then we all went to Chicago Diner for breakfast and I had a fucking awesome vegan Monte Cristo which I'd never had. Afterwards we said our tearful goodbyes and drove to Bloomington, Indiana. We arrived, waited for a couple hours and about 7 people came and we played in a living room to 4 people cause some people had school in the morning. Shit happens and I don't really care if people come to my band's shows since I never go to anyone else's. And I had some of the best chili of my life so that was worth the drive. 

Touring did make me realize, I really need to get newer, and way better equipment. I would like to get back on bass for Tristram eventually but I need way better gear. I also want better stuff for Longing. Now that tour is over I want to start putting a lot more time into being gloomy and shitty again. I was reading more Eric G. Wilson while we were driving through Indiana and got very pensive and really wished I was doing more for Longing. I really want to do a 3 song cover EP just for the shit of it. I was listening to "Something In The Way" by Nirvana and that has got to be on it. That was the first record I ever bought when I was like 12 and I have always wanted to cover that song. Rest In Flames. 

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Back To Fat Zach, Weird Times At Derpmont High, Anti-Climactic

I have been getting back in touch with 15 year old Zach. I have been listening to a lot of bands that I loved when I was younger, specifically Poison The Well, Dillinger Escape Plan and most recently System of a Down. I remember seeing them live with my dad and brother years ago. I remember when they played "Mr. Jack" and right when the "FUCK YOU PIG!!!" part came giant flashing lights spelled that out while everyone screamed along. I forgot all about it until the song came on my playlist at work. I pretty much dropped everything and opened up an alone pit in the kitchen. I love the comradeship that goes with having a COMMON ENEMY. With all of this talk of drones being used to track down fugitives and "anti-terrorism drills" being used to acclimate people to officers with automatic weapons it's nice to know some people are willing to be coo. I wish I was coo. People are always trying to contend with things like, "Fuck God, Fuck Cops, Fuck Beer, Fuck Drugs, Fuck Meat, Fuck Cheese, Fuck Honey, Fuck Meany-heads." I will never understand defending people who are having no problem defending themselves. But damn, that is a lot of fucking, I will give you all that. "Lighten up bra!" That's what my pappy used to say to me. Shit, if' you're Jesus Christ, I'll be the fucking Anti-Christ. Shit...

On a similar topic, remember when I had jury duty like a month ago? Of course you don't, why would you read this shit? Anywho, one of the lawyers who told me to fuck off after I told them I was a lunatic, I see that dude all the time now. He comes into my work with all of his buds. He seemed like a nice enough guy, but now whenever I walk up to the table I always get this sense that he was like "Hey you guys see that guy? That guy with the big stupid face? That kid is kooked out of his dome cuz. Shit..." I feel like he has to remember me, I'm sure he sees people all the time but I said some crazy ass shit. I am only becoming more and more misanthropic as time goes on. I am Steve Buscemi but twice as ugly.

Otherwise, I don't really have much more to say. I get to leave the state again very soon so that is nice. Probably going to freeze, starve and rot. God Hates Us All. 

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Kiwi Chameleon, Sorry For The DELAY Delay delay, Sun Worship Vs. Joe Pesci

I've been really into kiwis lately. I have always liked kiwis but they are so damn good. They are juicy and sweet and then the seeds are like little puffy rice krispies. Pretty fucking gnarly. I need to start eating better, I woke up this morning to go to work and it felt like a spiked flail was going through my lower intestine. I could only walk if I bent my back forward and limped around. Shit sucked. Was shitty. Shitty sucky. I basically just GRAB KIWIS and watch MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE lately.

In other news, my band TRISTRAM is going on tour next week. We play Grand Rapids the 14th, Milwaukee the 15th, Chicago the 16th and Bloomington the 17th. I am especially because I just recently acquired a delay pedal. So things are going to sound way sadder and feel ten times gloomier. I can't believe it has taken me this long to get a delay pedal, if anyone on Earth should have a delay pedal it's this cowboy. Longing will be so brutal now, oh yeah Longing is still alive. That's such a cool name, I am glad Monte came up with that. Just sums up everything so well. But in honor of entering the realm of echoes, at work today I only listened to bands that use a lot of delay. Started with the Envy/Jesu split. "A Winter Quest For Fantasy" is easily in my top 5 favorite songs of all time. Then a lot of This Will Destroy You and Pelican. Then eventually it spilled into the theme music for the Final Fantasy games. Which ruled. Speaking of echoes, remember Ecco the Dolphin? What a creepy fucking cool game. My dad was so good at that game. One of the creepiest soundtracks ever.

It's a Sunday and everything is fucking closed. I will never understand that shit. I think having a day off for the people working at these places is cool, but the reasoning behind it is just moronic. When I was in England, nothing was closed on Sundays including liquor stores. We asked our git brothers why nothing was closed and they were confused by the question. Everything is secular as shit over there and cops can't carry guns. Fucking paradise. That's one more reason I love Tristram, we don't have to hide who we are or how we feel about things. I have had talks with friends in the past about being open to different belief systems within a scene, and for the most part I agree with this. But I also think you can walk 10 feet and find acceptance for your Christian beliefs, while us heathens have to wander the streets isolated and disenfranchised. So I think there is a time and place for everything, and dogmatic obedience has no place in my proximity. A person who asks for freedom is nothing but a servant dragging broken chains. In summation, I like mocking belief systems and attacking institutionalized ethos. All while playing some hopefully evil and gloomy tunes. I believe we are a part of a greater wisdom, we will ever understand. THE BIG ELECTRON be with you.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Procession's Recording Happy Fun Time, MegabusT, Why Do Your Riffs Paralyze Me?

I am back from my journey to Boston. Everything went really well actually. The bus trip there was pretty uneventful. Graham and I hopped on the same bus from New York City. We got to Boston and met up with Mike and got Grasshopper; super fucking awesome vegan Asian food. Then we pretty much went to sleep. But then the next day we got up around 11 a.m. and watched reality TV for a couple of hours. Specifically this show called "Buckwild." Pretty much "Jersey Shore" for Appalachian scum. So really it's probably the best thing on television right now. But we started practicing and decided that we were going to add a 4th song to our plate. We practiced for about 3 hours and everything was sounding tight. Then a guy named Zach 'Weenus" Weeks arrived to record our shitty songs and make them into magic. We were expecting to take 3 days to practice and record. It took 2 hours to record drums, 2 hours to record all the bass tracks and then Graham was so zazzed that he offered to pay for Weenus' cab home and he ended up getting 2 of the 4 songs done for guitar that night. So over half of the recording was done in one night and then Graham finished the other 2 songs the next day. Otherwise we pretty much jerked off stale-fish and watched as much "Buckwild" as we could. Can't wait to hear Britty's vocals over everything. These are some of the best songs we have ever written.  We are hoping to do something really cool with 2 of the songs that I am really excited about but it's not confirmed yet so I don't want to jump the gun too quick. I can't wait to play shows again and really kick some fucking ass. I want to see every single one of you in the shoegaze pit with me.

The trip home ended up being far more eventful. I got on the bus from New York to Pittsburgh and it was fucking packed. I ended up being squeezed between the window and the tallest hipster ever congealed. I could only sit upright the entire duration. Then we ended up being 39 minutes late so I was 4 minutes late for my bus to Detroit causing me to miss it. I called customer service and was basically told, "Yeah, your ticket is no good for any other bus, you have to buy a new one. So you can fuck right off. Thanks for choosing Fuckshitter Bus Corp," So I wound up finding a diner with 80 cents to my name and ended up befriending two nice waitresses who gave me free coffee for 7 or 8 hours. I would easily be frozen to a sidewalk in Pittsburgh right now if they hadn't helped me out. Being a road warrior has it's ups and downs, usually downs but that was a cool experience. I did eventually get on the next bus and found my way home at 4 a.m. and had to walk straight into work. Got into a bizarre argument with the last bus driver though. I told him I was getting off in Grand Rapids when I got on in Detroit. Then when I was getting off I asked to get my bag from under the bus and he said, "Did you tell anyone you were getting off here?" and I said, "" "You most certainly did not" He said encumbered with sass. And it's 4 a.m., fucking freezing, and I felt very confused why we were having this conversation. "Yeah sorry, can I just have my fucking bag?" That whole trip made me want to say "Fuck Megabus, what a bunch of fuckheads." But then I realized, you get what you pay for. I got halfway across the country and back for really fucking cheap, so I really have no reason to complain at all. If I was paying twice as much I would be a lot more pissed. But fuck it, do it live.

Otherwise, Tristram is going on a little mini-turd tour next week. Should be pretty fun. I wish we sounded more like Beyonce though. Apparently we sound like early Poison the Well on crack though. So that's kind of cool. This isn't early Poison the Well but it was the first song I heard. Fuckin' A.