A Charley Horse Of Course Of Course, Palate Cleansing, I'm Blue Da Ba Dee Da Ba Die

Oh the pain...

Woke up from a Charley Horse today. It is astonishing how much those fucking hurt. One minute I was having a dream about shoveling snow from my dad's driveway, (which is half a mile long and dirt, I know I have the best dreams,) and the next minute I am writhing in agony in my own bed flailing around like a dolphin on the deck of a "dolphin safe" fishing vessel. After my flesh has been torn and bones broken by the mechanization below deck I am thrown back to sea because hey, it's still "dolphin safe" cause they didn't kill me they just didn't give me the option to survive. Call me "Survival Impaired!"  Anyways, Charley Horse's fucking hurt I hate them. Eventually I got up and limped downstairs where my french press has been broken for weeks now so I have the option between the Diatomaceous Earth known as "instant coffee" or I can make a lab experiment out of my coffee making experience and with a little Conklin ingenuity make some coffee with the good coffee I have. With a series of strainers and colanders I am able to have a very grainy cup of coffee that has somehow become room temperature during this entire process. Have I mentioned lately that God Hates Us All?

A lot of recipes call for "dice size pieces."
I like that analogy.

I have also been cooking a lot more at home. When you spend most of your days cooking for office peons you get kind of burnt out by the time you get home. But it has been nice always having something to eat around the house. Been keeping the pantry stocked and cooking up some pretty damn tasty shit most days. But last night I made a pad thai that was absolute horse shit. It was just sour and shitty and it really fell short. And yet I kept eating it cause it took me 45 minutes to make and I was going to be pissed if it went to waste. It's interesting how you can fill your stomach with food, even if it is bland and shitty and yet you still don't feel satisfied. It's interesting how much taste and the soul of food plays a role in our subsistence. When I was in Europe I surprisingly ate very well and everything we ate was made vegan and usually fresh right before our eyes. Can't stress this enough, those people have courtesy down to a fucking science. But this one night we were playing in Bulgaria I believe and we were playing this weird yuppie bar with big screen TV's and shit. And the promoter's girlfriend brought us food and it was literally white rice with a bag of frozen peas/carrots mixed in. Not a grain of salt nor spice. Devoid of a drop of oil or vinegar. They were so uncertain of what was vegan that they gave us essentially tree bark. Of course I didn't complain and ate a giant heaping bowl since I hadn't eaten in 14 hours but when I was done I felt like I had eaten a 6-pack of cotton socks. Some days I wish I could just take a pill that gave me all the nutrients I needed for the day and made me feel full too. But I also understand the psychological importance of eating delicious food and I am grateful that I have at least a decent grasp of making good vegan food. I have to make non-vegan food all the time at work and I get no solace when someone compliments me on it cause realistically it is still a carcass of pathogen infested shit that was once a sentient being that had a family. Yeah yeah yeah I know, you're tuning out cause I am being a vegan asshole. Cut me a break though, when you're vegan and you get to be elbow deep in corpses and pasteurized pustule every day you have to vent once in a while. I appreciate all my Carnie friends for letting me be a vegan prick once in a while. Because really none of this matters since we're all going to die and all hope is gone. Fuck yeah!

Had to do it. Listen to Joaquin Phoenix.

He is wise beyond his years. Get your cry on.

Speaking of cooking, I have a character in Sims 4 who is in the culinary career track and I should probably bring my attention to their needs. Oh yeah I got the Sims 4 earlier this week. I have always loved the Sims series, I was obsessed with the first installment and also the Sims 2. Never got into the third one though I heard it honked real hard. But 4 is pretty ding dangly sweet. But as I often do I will leave you with a small music update. As of right now, Ruined is officially booked for studio time in mid-February. We are going to be recording three songs, two of which are previously released songs that I recorded by myself that will be used as a demo to send out for exposure and shit. The third song will be on a split that is brand new and if I hit the mark right will make everyone puke blood and then cry acid tears into the puddle of blood puke. So yeah, look forward to that. Till then, stay gloomy.     

Geek Chic, No Shoes Not Ever, Across The Sea

This just felt right to me.

Hello again one and all. Not sure how in depth I will get today or how real shit will be but we'll just get going and see what happens. I kind of just want to drink coffee, play World of Warcraft and listen to Rammstein. Yeah I play World of Warcraft again and I gotta say I have been having a blast. Much like Diablo 3, Blizzard has done a great job of cleaning up the shitty aspects of their games and listen to player suggestions. With that being said I pretty much fucking hate every person on the fucking game. It is seldom that I can play an hour without hearing a racial slur or a misogynistic annotation being broadcast. Things like this make me reflect from time to time on why I identify with certain sub-cultures even though I pretty much hate every person beneath my banner more than the rest of the world. Complacent vegans prancing around like they are going to save everyone or sanctimonious straight edge kids who feel that alienation is the greatest form of outreach. I'd say for every one of the cohorts I meet in these circles that I like, I hate probably seventeen others. May nothing but sorrow and squalor befell them and their ilk. But gamers are probably some of the biggest pieces of shit on Earth. There was a time when I felt like gaming was a safe haven for the outcasts and reprobates of the world. But it has now become a place for bloated ultra cretins who have given up on companionship and would rather troll everyone and everything. Or it is a place for the frat guy who blows off some steam after a failed date rape attempt by pwning noobs in Call of Duty. I would say that the solution would be to put JEWEL WASP larvae in the next batch of Gamer Fuel and hope all these cockroaches are dragged to the nearest burrow and eaten alive beneath the cold soil. But please, leave my Code Red alone.

I love this band. This band and Tool

are my WoW playlist.

In other news, lots of changes in the Ruined camp this week. We had a practice last night and we worked really hard on a new song that we have been working on. It's different than a lot of our material but we are both having a lot of fun working out the kinks. We also play in a room that was built on top of our garage that has absolutely no insulation or heating so we are building a shitload of character every time we practice now. (See my last post about the glorious merits of Northern character building.) I did buy a few of those hand-warmer things that react to air and they were a big help. You know that thing Elizabeth Banks was using in "Zack and Miri Make A Porno?" The thing that got lodged in Seth Rogen's taint? Love that movie, such a sweet soundtrack. But I was feeling like the Lich King one minute and the breath of Deathwing the next! WoW reference! ROFLCOPTER!!!  But yeah I tossed one of those in my pajama pants and would put my hand in there between songs and it helped out a shitload. But after practice we sat and had a talk about future plans. And afterwards I think we both felt a lot better about our long term goals. As of right now, we are going to push back recording our full length for a bit for several reasons. First of all, I don't think we have enough of a following that anyone would really give a shit about a full length coming out. I would rather hold off and get more people interested before dropping that shit like it's hot. Secondly, as of right now we have no recordings of us as a duo to send into labels who would maybe be interested in putting said full length out. So our plan now is we are going to record another EP in the next month that will probably get released independently as a way of gaining interest with both the general gloom masses and so we can have a solid "demo" if you can call it that to send to labels. Now for all the die hard Ruined fans out there who have already carved "Kill God" into their arms don't get too excited. This EP will most likely have 3 songs on it, 2/3 of which are songs that I previously recorded by myself in my room. Now that third song will most likely be the brand new one we have been working on so if you have your headphones on and a belt tied around your neck anxiously awaiting new material you are in luck! You will be able to achieve gloom-gasm once again soon! But for the most part we wanted to finally have a recording that would be a better representation of our overall sound and capture more of that live essence that makes us worth talking about around the water cooler back at Gloom HQ.

When in Rome. Creep out tourists.

Today I will leave you with a nostalgic rant. You know how everyone knows that person who has been to Europe and they come back and it's all they talk about? And they won't shut up about how much better it is there and that they can't wait to go back? Well I have tried really hard the last 2 or 3 years not to be that guy. But the other day I got caught up watching old videos from the tour I did with BEARTRAP and WITCH CULT of our 59 shows in 60 days across the majority of Europe and I just got so fucking pumped. And you know what, this is my damn blog and I can say whatever the fuck I feel like so please feel free to tune out. I miss it so much over there. Everyone loves music and will listen to everything and rock to every band that comes to town especially if they are from another country. We are nothing like that over here, so fucking jaded. My pals from Europe, (if you're reading this Dean, Mazz and Fee I miss you all deeply,) talk about coming over here and I want them to but at the same time I know it would fucking honk for them. They'd make shit money and no one would give a fuck. But I also miss the raw aggression of playing hardcore/powerviolence music. I don't think I would ever start a band like that or become a permanent member but I would love to fill in again for a tour like that. I emerged from my shell a lot more becoming a part of that culture for a brief amount of time. And though it was frustrating and lonely at times I wouldn't pass up another opportunity like that for anything. I don't really have any point to all this other than occasionally I think we all need to ignore the advice of others, say fuck it to our jobs and financial security and just go fucking do something with our lives. Stay free, stay alive and stay gloomy.

One day I will return.

Borderlands: The Pre-Sequality, Punk Fucks, Putrid Pabulum

This is the character I have
been playing as "Nisha." She
is kind of a meany but her skill
tree is sick.

Allow me to take a moment to reach out and reconnect with the outside world. You see I have been battling Scav's on Elpis the moon of Pandora for the last couple of days. To any noobs out there, this means that the new Borderlands "The Pre Sequel" finally came out on Tuesday and I have been tending the nerd shrine beneath the radiance of my computer monitor ever since; stirring the effervescence of my loser lifeblood. It has been a welcome retreat as the horrific troll that is ArtPrize returns to it's yearly slumber. Overall I would say the game itself is quite solid with a lot of new contrivance to keep the game fresh and exciting while still remaining familiar and evocative. While being made in Australia I wasn't expecting the majority of voice over work to be done by Australian actresses and actors but they take amusing potshots at themselves and American idiosyncrasies. I especially appreciate the fun yet subtle expansion of social awareness within the game. For example, (mild SPOILER alert ahead,) one of the first female characters you meet turns out to prefer the company of woman for her romantic partners. And when something goes awry she will shout the gender neutral diction "Son of a Taint!" Omitting the misogynistic nomenclature we have all come to know and hate. They even tackle the act of "Friend Zoning" in one mission I was sent on by a muscular man who bleeds testosterone who was rejected by the earlier woman. But he calls himself out with socially aware dogma before anyone else even has a chance to correct him. It was refreshing to play such a fun game that is proud to wear it's ESRB rating of "M for MATURE" like a badge of honor while still using it as an opportunity to be tactful, perceptive, and socially enlightened. Who says you can't cover a psycho in acid, shoot him in the head and butt slam them to oblivion and still be empathetic?

We've all been there.

Yep.

On the subject of being socially aware and making efforts to alienate less people, I have had a mild gripe lately. As I'm sure you all know by now I pretty much hate everyone and everything and usually am drawn to the shitty side of people before I would ever accept them into my fold of friends. Which is why I have very few friends and I divorce myself from the ones I have so that I may remain gloom pure. But when I do make friendships or even fleeting interactions with strangers I cherish them deeply whether they know it or not. But what I would like to talk about briefly today is "community." I put that in quotations because what does that mean? Like anything it is a subjective concept that must be analyzed and questioned  to define it. But the first rule you learn in any philosophy class is that you can't play the subjective card. You can't let someone off the hook just because of their own individual perspectives they developed from their upbringing and environment. Otherwise Johnny McChrist-Told-Me-To-Do-It would be running around doing Kerry King knows what. Whatever it is it would most likely involve scripture, a case of Gatorade and a buck knife. But my most recent quarrel with community is that is seems that a lot of people use it as an excuse to actually repudiate and forsake people they feel are not worthy of "their" community. Which you know my maggot motto, "Fuck them all, fuck this world, fuck everything that you stand for." But alas these people hide behind a veil of acceptance as a way to sublimate their coven of vestal punk shitbags. I can't tell if it is that they are completely self-defeating or if subconsciously they actually enjoy ostracizing people while simultaneously being grandiose about their own dejected protagonist identity in the social story of our existence. Whichever it is, I could never understand the dichotomy of acting so affirming towards others while also shitting on everyone who doesn't think exactly the same way you do. I mean none of this matters since God Hates Us All but still, it's annoying.   

Fuck I'm hungry.

Lets end on a happy fun time magic sprinkle rainbow sunshine note today! Lets see here...hmm...Oh I heard that the Ebola thing is simmering down apparently. It's pretty crazy how much people panic over that stuff. Obviously it would really suck shit to have that happen to myself or someone I know or anyone for that matter. Well not anyone, I'll be honest if some Ebola got into the fitted hat distribution facility and every fucker who walks around with those stupid gold stickers on the brim of their hat would puke out their own larynx I would probably sleep better at night. It does blow my mind how scared people are about this shit when they don't think about the shit that they are exposed to every day. I won't go on a big vegan asshole statistic shootout but 8 of the 9 major pathogens that have killed people in the last few centuries, (especially since the Industrial Revolution,) have been directly correlated to animal husbandry and factory farming. You see that is what pisses me off, I don't even eat that bullshit and I could still be struck down by some super zoonotic disease that will melt my face and make me shit battery acid. I don't worry about this stuff though, I know Kerry King has a plan for all of us. If it is within his shredding wisdom to have me writhing in agony on my bathroom floor retching black bile then so be it. Thy will be done. Boy I really missed the mark on ending this on a happy note didn't I? Oh well, fuck it do it live. Stay Gloomy.    

Slay on wise one.

Ruin Your Day, Listless Listing, Endling

It has been a long while since I have posted on this blog. Primarily because I have had very little to say for a while now. But RUINED just got home from a tour to the East Coast and back and it seems like a decent topic to break the ice with again. I won't go over every intimate detail of the journey, but if anyone gives a shit about this kind of shit, then this shit might be up your shit alley.

We called it the "Baja Blast Tour 2014." And it was glorious.

May 26th Grand Rapids, MI - Better turn out than I expected. I spent most of the tour talking about how much of a shit-shack GR is but it is my shit-shack nonetheless.

May 27th Detroit, MI - Played at the Trumbullplex. It was a last minute show and only two bands ended up playing. We played with a band called Catmom who are the two piece version of a band called Social Work. Both members were fun to talk to. We ate vegan mac and cheese and it was fucking delicious. This was a review we got before the show. “Billowing distortion, muffled vocals, and a meditative pace. Ruined have mastered all the elements of shoegaze. But where much shoegaze frolics in the summer twilight, this Grand Rapids duo plods through the cold night. With just bass and drums, they're able to cover a lot of dark ground. Sometimes their sound is delicate and lovely, sometimes harsh and heavy, but always bleak and dejected. There's something strangely invigorating about such a sustained look into the shadows.”

May 28th Berea, OH - Loaded our gear out in the pouring rain and drove to Ohio. Played to about 4 high school kids and a girl with a Slipknot shirt who doesn't listen to Slipknot. As a first sergeant in the Maggot Army this offended me greatly.

May 29th Buffalo, NY - This was probably the best show of tour. Every band was insanely good. The first band was a bunch of high school kids playing shoegaze influenced almost metalcore. It was weird to hear at first but it was kind of cool in the end. Unfortunately I was actually sleeping in the car during their set. I needed a quick 15 minute nap and I felt way better the rest of the night. But everyone really dug them. Then a drum and bass band played and they had a very post-punk quality to them and they were good and fun to listen to. Before the show I met a guy named Dan who complimented my Mournful Congregation shirt and we talked about funeral doom and Wolves in The Throne Room for a while. He played a bleak metal noise set after the post-punk band and it was incredible. Easily the best noise set I have ever seen. It was really great to meet him and be able to relate about music. We played our set after his and it went really well. Everyone really liked us and Sky was on fire. The energy in the room was potent and visceral. The only downside was I was losing my wind on the vocals a little. But otherwise our set went really well and everyone received us in a great way. The last band was a father son funk drum and bass band. They were astoundingly talented and I of course love slap bass. But the analogy I used after the show was "Watching their set was like watching someone jerk off. It's fun at first but after the first 10 minutes I just wanna go to fucking sleep." They were pretty much a jam band, so I was really into them for the first 4 songs of their set, but the next 7 were rough to get through. I appreciate virtuosity for what it is: a building block to creating actual music. That was the stuff I was into my teen years but eventually I realized that you have to take what you learn from the theory, precision and obsessive practice and actually write music that will change your life and possibly others. Don't get me wrong, it was fun watching their set but I lose momentum after 10 or 15 minutes with that shit. This coming from the boring ass gloomgaze musician who has 10 minute long songs.

Story of my life.

May 30th The Road - Drove from Buffalo to Boston. Went to bed.

May 31st Boston, MA - Hopped onto a punk show at the venue we were going to playing the next night. This show went better than our actual show.

June 1st Boston, MA - Played our gig. The screw came out of my bass and our set fell apart. Everyone rejoiced.

June 2nd Boston, MA - Jerked off stalefish and watched Rocky.

Our goal.

June 3rd Brooklyn, NY - This show sucked shit. We played really well and had fun but no one came out. And during our set the sound guy kept telling me to turn down and even had an Ipad with an app that read decibels and was waving it around to get a reading. I fucking hate bars I don't know why I ever play them. No one ever gives a shit. Everyone there is just trying to get laid and is pissed that the bands are playing too loud so they can't talk. Why do people always have to fucking talk? Fuck talking. Needless to say, apparently we were loud enough that the beer glasses were shaking on the bar and they got pissed. We didn't get paid and I sold one tape to a guy in the first band who was really cool called Junkyard. Otherwise I did have the best falafel of my life after the show at a place called "Oasis" in Williamsburg. Then we had to unload all of our shit again after we got to Graham's so we didn't get ripped off. Needless to say I was fucking wiped out by the end of the night. 

June 4th Brooklyn, NY - Philadelphia fell through. So we jerked off stalefish and watched Bob's Burgers. 

June 5th Pittsburgh, PA -  This show also went really well. We were pretty ornery after our 7 hour drive especially since the car was acting fucking stupid. But we arrived after a long journey through the mountains of Pennsylvania. We had pretty low expectations when the opening act was a man in a gold dress banging a gong that had a contact mic on it. But the second band was a really cool hip hop R&B band that used a lot of samples and electronic beats. It was really fun to listen to even though Sky and I were in the basement groaning because we had to set up basically in a closet. But we played our set and everyone seemed to like us and they donated really well which I was very grateful for. I have never played a bad show in Pittsburgh, it is easily my favorite city I have been to. We ate at a place called "Spak Brothers" and I had the best vegan hoagie of my life. 

June 6th The Road - The car kept acting fucky so we had to bail on Columbus and limp our way back to GR. We were not missed and everyone got more sleep without our presence. Everyone won.

So there it is, our first tour in the bag. We plan on taking a show hiatus until we can get a van and sort out our other logistically issues. Otherwise we will remain very much so active behind the scenes as we begin working on a full length record that we hope to start recording later this year. I am going to try and keep updating this blog with both RUINED updates and of course sporadic rants about my day to day life. God hates us all, stay gloomy you know the drill.

Ruined

Subcutaneous Soliloquy, Sick From Shadows, Bass Ventura

This is how I felt.

For those who don't know I have been undergoing some minor procedures to rid myself of warts on my right fingers and palm. I got a wart on the inside of my right ring finger probably 5 or 6 years ago now. A second one showed up right next to it probably 3 or 4 years ago and then nothing else happened and I decided to ignore it. You know, like when you try and ignore the rabid panther that tries to remove your larynx every night. We've all been in that situation, and we've all had to spend hard cash on industrial strength panther repellent. That shit ain't cheap, and don't get me started on the vampires. What I've spent on cloves of garlic could have put my first illegitimate child through college. You're on your own Maggot Meier! Anywho, I ignored them for too long and they got mildly out of control. I started treatment late last year at a dermatologist office and I am almost done now but I still got about 8 injections today and then liquid nitrogen. Ever had a needle shoved into the pad of a calloused finger tip? Even a mosh warrior can be stricken down with a pain like that. Fuck that hurt.

But after the procedure I have to wait around for 30 minutes each time because there is a risk that I could go into shock and choke on my own tongue or some shit. While I was waiting for my seizure to make an appearance I was reading the book "Against Happiness" by Eric G. Wilson. I have mentioned this book and this author before in previous posts. I owe him a lot for my own mental stability and showing me that I am not such a fuck up for having morose inclinations or macabre strategies on how to live my life. But as I read I thought about the place I was and what people were doing there. A giant TV screen  relays mind altering information beneath the vapid phrases of "You're fine just the way you are! But you could always be better!" It was so strange being in an environment like that while reading that book. Most people who enter that building are trying to control their fate and their own decay. They fear insecurity above all else, which in itself contradicts the rhythm of life. Life is chaotic, fluid and furious. And the summation of the chapter was as Alan Watts said, "There is contradiction in wanting to be perfectly secure in a universe whose very nature is momentariness and fluidity." To let go and claw at the rivers edge is to live life to it's fullest! There is no happiness, only the perfect blending of the duality of nature. There is no joy without sorrow, no vivacious sun without a pockmarked moon. I stand firm behind the door of melancholy and push back at any breach of "happiness addiction." It is because of my disposition towards the dark side that I feel I have found my own emotional salvation and ethical evolution. Why do I choose to be vegan? Because I believe that relating with the suffering and cruelty of other sentient beings at every meal helps me grow as a kinder, and hopefully wiser human being. Does it change the world? No. Does it change my perception of the world? Absolutely. Why do I abstain from drugs and alcohol? Because they would confuse and distort my perceptions, and leave me with bogging depression, narcissistic jubilation or worst of all, numbing neutrality. This is not an ethos for all to live by, but these are the reflections of a man who hopes to reach self-actualization one day far beyond the horizon.

"I just want to be me. And when I can, I will."

Doing it live.

Now I am sorry that I hit you all with some deep ass shit in that last paragraph. So as I said about duality, let's balance all that serious shit with some more poo poo fart jokes or something. I do have some updates about Ruined like in every post I make. As of right now I am finishing up the split with Palm Hands entitled "Every Bit Of It Is Fake." The subject matter on my side of the split is apostasy, animal cruelty, suicide and Final Fantasy 9. My dear friend Monte of Palm Hands fame will be releasing this split with me next week Friday the 28th at The Waffle Haus and I am hoping to have my new bass guitar by then. I have a feeling it will be a pretty relaxed atmosphere and us gloom kids kind of took over so I hope the out of town screamo dudes will get down on some gloom with us. Otherwise, I have been listening to "Siamese Dream" by Smashing Pumpkins an insane amount lately. It's incredible how you can hear a record a million times and yet every now and then it just speaks to you from an entirely new place and a revolution of appreciation pours out from within us. Sorry guys I have been pensive as fuck lately but in a really positive way. Fuck it, do it live! 

Mole Asses, Jolliest Asshole This Side Of The Nuthouse, A Dwarf Is A Dwarf Of Course Of Course

ZZ Top rhymed "molasses" with
"sunglasses" in that one song they
wrote that one time. I couldn't think
of anything else molasses related.

Have you ever put brown sugar in your coffee? I was in a tight spot the other day sugar wise and I did the ole "Fuck it, do it live" maneuver which always gets me out of tight jams. I added brown sugar and I gotta tell you, it is worth experiencing. I think molasses is coo. If anyone ever put a chainsaw to your larynx and wanted to know your thoughts on molasses, would you have a well developed and articulate answer for them? These are the scenarios I train for daily. Though they are rare, you will be kicking yourself when the time comes for getting beheaded due to simple unpreparedness. I love molasses. Has lots of uses and believe it or not has some great health benefits too. To any fellow vegans our there, I highly suggest you consider making it a semi-regular part of your semi-sweet diets. It is high in two nutrients that vegans need to seek out: iron and B6. It also has calcium, manganese, magnesium, and potassium. I use it for soups a lot and that is that secret shit right there. Caramelize some sweet potatoes and ginger. You feeling that shit? Get some water boiling and add that sweet sweet molasses. Now we're starting to make some money, you picking up what I am throwing down? Burr that shit together which some onion, carrot and garlic and you got yourself a meal fit for a Maggot. I can't reveal all my secrets from the P.M.C.C.C.  That's the "Potato Mine Community Culinary College" for those unfamiliar with that establishment. But alas, molasses is essentially the byproduct left over during the creation of processed sugar. You know that bleached asshole sugar I have mentioned in the past? (CLICK HERE to be hyper-linked to that blog post.) So basically all the nutrients that are sucked out of sugar cane plants is left in molasses in a bucket of bitter but balanced beautiful blobby goodness. It's puzzling why that shit is so expensive though. It's kind of like charging someone to take your poop off your hands. So many nutrients and applications!

Shitter was full.

Though I fear to be associated with boring white people, I have been really into listening to Trans-Siberian Orchestra as many people have been I'm sure lately. Bare in mind, probably at least 50 percent of their material is total fucking garbage. I fucking hate when they get all "bluesy" and they consign bloated dead-weight "rock n' roll" vocalists to sing about how Jesus was just one of the good ole boys coming to get the party started up in here. But I love when they stick close to their classical training. Some of the most beautiful guitar work I have ever heard. I have a very special place in my heart for Xmas music believe it or not. First of all, a lot of it is actually dark as shit if you read the history and lyrics in these songs. Some were entirely used to release music under the watchful guise of tyrannical monarchies and religious fascists. They were too naive to read between the lines, and just the minor keys that they worked within are heart wrenching even to the casual music listener. Which is why I am not surprised that some of the very first songs I ever learned on my own were Xmas songs. I would practice "God Rest Ye' Merry Gentlemen" and "Faith Noel" everyday for months and it would be summertime. Perhaps it was because I was born just before Xmas, but despite the capitalist bastardizations and Christian thievery, (Xmas was of course a pagan celebration of the winter solstice,) Xmas will always be a cherished time for me. And I know that TSO is playing Grand Rapids in 2 days but I obviously can't afford to go, nor would I really want to. I'm sure it would be really awesome to see, but as I said before I am confident that half the show would be insufferable.

I want to learn this song today.

This is the scene with Bilbo and the Dragon.
The movie trailer made it seem way more intense.
I want to be an Elf when I grow up. 

Otherwise, I got up WAY later then I normally do today because I was up all night watching the midnight showing of "The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug." I got home and my adrenaline was pumping too hard still so I ended up staying up till 5 a.m. and watched "Good Luck Chuck" to calm my nerves. Have you seen that movie? The premise is dreadful, and why is it always the Goth kid who has to be the antagonist in movies? "The Crow" kind of turned that on it's head I guess. But anyways, the movie last night was awesome. And without spoiling too much, the ending was a huge fucking cliff hanger. The movie did involve a Hobbit though it you were unaware. It also had some wizards in it, like a dozen dwarves and a couple of elves. I hope that didn't ruin the movie for you. But if was really nice hanging out with my old friend Karen who I hadn't hung out with really since the last "Hobbit" movie came out which is really fucking sad. To any old friends I may have who reads this, always know that I think of you often and usually in a fond way. Sometimes a song will play and I will just start crying because I miss someone so intensely. "Into The Fade" by Queens of the Stone Age came on yesterday and I teared up thinking about my old pal Monte. Here I go again. I didn't get enough sleep I am too emotional. God Hates US All, Maggots For Life, Nu Metal Lives.  

Jeff Dan-Kills, Get Over Here!, A Magnificent Missive From The Loquacious Lavatory

Pretty sure this smoothie could be made vegan.
Just use some almond milk for that shit.
And go to the health food store for
some seitan moose testicle.

I am up and about bright and early once again on this humdrum day. Which of course I am grateful for. I am content with any time I can spend outside the bastille of torment that is my vocation. I am just sipping on some coffee which is tasting surprisingly good for how cheap it is. "Anything free is worth saving up fer'." Yeah, I just quoted "Escanaba In Da' Moonlight." Have you seen that movie? I think the first half was really good and funny, but then it turned into a weird alien/cursed woods thing. One day when I am a billionaire I will remake that movie and have an alternate ending where Jeff Daniels realizes that slaughtering innocent animals is not a rite of passage into manhood but a descent into madness. And in my movie instead of the whiskey turning into sap, Jeff Daniels turns mega vegan straight edge and ends up smashing the whiskey jars over his brother's head. Then he goes all black ops and stalks all the other hunters in the woods and kills them all with his bare hands thereby liberating the Northern woods from all of nature's trespassers. Then he goes home to his family carrying a Tofurkey on his back and lives a long happy life which is extended and enriched with no cholesterol and reduced risks of heart disease, diabetes, cancer, and erectile dysfunction. I will have to save some money to remake the Mortal Kombat movies though. That was one promise I made to myself when I was young. Fuck those were bad when they could be SO FUCKING GOOD.

This I never got. Was a spear that jettisoned from the hands not cool enough?

Back in Earth Realm though, things are pretty quiet around here as always. I have been pretty sick the last few days so I have basically been sucking down lemon ginger tea and daydreaming like I always do. Apparently there is a festival that happens in a few cities across the country called "Two Piece Fest" which as you may have guessed is a fest exclusively made for bands that have only two members. It is happening in February and unfortunately I did not learn about this until yesterday and they were seeking bands back in August. But I want to try and see if I could get Ruined involved. It's a long-shot but it would be really cool to play something like that. I have yet to play live so it's pretty stupid that I am trying to get on this but it's basically 3 months away so I am pretty sure I could pull it together by then. Also I have some half ass ideas about getting a vehicle for touring and shit. Obviously as I said, these are mostly the delusional ideation of a desperate fool but hey why not beguile myself. Whatever gets me through the day.

Now those are some poopy hands.
Weird that he's actually dead now.
Keep that sage burnin' unless you want
poopy hands and thighs.
To each their own I say.

Otherwise, I have been listening to yet another primarily 2 piece band called Crystal Castles a lot and have been really enjoying it. I always liked that band but never gave them the attention they truly deserve. And though I am learning more and more everyday, listening to them makes me realize how little I actually know about recording and creating a great sounding record. If you listen to one of their songs, they have so many layers and little things happening all at once and it all comes together so well. Obviously I am assuming they had help from producers and recording wizards, and I am just some jerk-off from Conklin trying to mold some shit into a shitty bowl of music that might hold someone's attention without leaking too much. I am basically Patrick Swayze in "Ghost" but instead of being all sensual with clay, I am being tormented with trying to turn feces into gold. And in the end I just wind up with poopy hands. Speaking of poopy hands; I just went to the bathroom and was playing some Ruined songs on the ole bass guitar, and when I was done I needed some bathroom tissue to cleanse my unholy blighted spaces. But the roll was put in so you pull it from the bottom. Which of course means you pretty much have to use both hands to tear off any sheets. Well what about people like me who need one hand to hold their bass guitar they brought into the facilities with them? HMMMMMMMM?????? Who the fuck does that? Its up and over or fuck-all for this cowboy. I must investigate who is doing this abominable act.

Nu Metal Isn't Dead, It Just Went Underground, Bass Pace

This is me on one of my kicks.

Do you ever get in music moods? Of course you do! Isn't it fun? I love being really into a band for a chapter of time. Often times I will hear a song and it will take me back to a season in my life or sometimes to a precise moment. I really hate it when I am not on a band or album kick. Recently I came off of another hard Jesu kick. Was listening to that shit day and night for probably about a week straight. Before that it was Envy, and then I had a wicked A Perfect Circle addiction for quite a while. Usually I can find a pretty good flow and each kick will crash into the next batch of music waiting on the horizon. But every now and then I find myself in the dead water of my musical disposition. I hate that shit. One minute I will be opening the pit up on a band's entire catalog of music and the next minute I have no idea what the fuck I want to listen to. I find myself lost in the miasma that I call my life. Luckily I just swam out of that static lagoon and am facing the opposite problem. I am on a few kicks right now. I cannot listen to enough Rammstein and System of a Down right now. I am facing the problem of which band to listen to when. They are both so fucking good.   Dream band: Vegan Straight Edge Nu Metal Band. Every show we would play our set, and at the end we would unleash entire hives of bees upon the audience. Call ourselves Winnie The Doom Bear and The Honey Hell Hammers. With our debut platinum record "Honey: That Shit Ain't Vegan Get The Fuck Over It. Sweeten That Shit With Cane Sugar Or Just Fuck Right Off Already." Can we please talk more about Nu Metal bands?

It would go something like this.

"Christian punk huh? Cool...yeah right"

As you all know, I am a level 666, corpse belt certified Maggot. I listened to Nu Metal all day today at work and fuck I had such a good time. Of course it was ruined when about 60 Christian "punks?" walked through the door. What do you call these people? It's like a while back when I found a Christian "witch" on the internet. Listen, either be a damn witch, or be a fucking Christian. Pick one. When I reached the fork in the road of "Be A Respectable Human Being" or "Be A Fucking Pit Warrior" I weighed my options and windmilled my way into history. It's just that simple. I think there are other identities that can overlap, but being a pagan mystic who summons imps for a blood orgy while listening to Godsmack cannot also break bread with Johnny McChrist-Crotch over a Sunday penance of taint flogging. I hate segregating within a scene or really anywhere but man that shit is annoying. Such a vexing paradox. It saddens me that people can be exposed to so much thought provoking music and experience such uplifting activities like D.I.Y. punk shows and still get bogged down by that garbage. What a boring life that would be. As Nietzche said, "In heaven, all the interesting people are missing."

This is what I want to
do to my current bass.
Total piece of shit.

Speaking of being boring, I have some news on the Ruined front and a few new ideas I am kicking around the office. Firstly, I put a new bass on layaway yesterday. It has been 9 years since I bought my last bass, and this thing is a decent bass if I was in a middle school Nu Metal band. (To any middle school Nu Metal bands reading this blog, please contact me I am VERY interested in joining your band and playing your friend's mom's basement sometime.) But the time has come to finally get a bass that will be great to have for the next few decades. The unfortunate thing is I have a lot of payments to make on it and it will be several months before I actually get my hands on it. And I am deciding if I should keep recording music with this piece of shit that buzzes all the time, or if I should wait until I can get the new bass. But, I was also thinking about possibly recording some music in order to help raise some funds towards the new bass. I know probably only 10 people would buy a record that I put out but hey, every dollar would help. I'm not sure what I will end up doing, I also want to start thinking about live shows so I got a lot of shit to sort out. Do I put out shitty buzzy recordings and play mediocre sounding live shows to help expedite the new basses arrival? Or do I just sit in limbo for several months, waiting for my new gloom weapon to arrive? Please give me some input, I don't know what's cool. Maggot out. 

Porcelain Pontification, I Don't Fun, Gloomedge Revenge

My morning routine.

Believe it or not, I often times come up with ideas for this blog while I am sitting upon the porcelain throne. In fact, I feel that many people overlook the useful amount of time we spend in the bathroom. I have found that it is a vital time that has wondrous potential for productivity and creativity. For example, aside from using that time to come up with delightful topics that astound and entertain you fine people, I have also written some of my best music in there. Hand to Kerry King, I'd say about 80% of the time I spend in the bathroom I will bring a bass or a guitar into the facilities with me. Why not? You are just sitting there debasing yourself with bodily imperatives. Mine as well get some work done! And usually the acoustics are excellent so that is also a bonus. I usually find it difficult to sing though, since my diaphragm is preoccupied expelling feculence. But take some advice from a simple sailor, if you're going to make doo-doo, better get some shit done-done.


Speaking of productivity, Ruined has been in high gear for the past week. It feels so good to be passionate about playing bass again. I have said this over and over again, but every time I pick up my bass I am so pissed at myself for ever putting it down. I have been working on some new material for the split that I mentioned in my last post. I have been putting a lot more effort into learning how to build drum tracks and making the tracks sound a lot more interesting. But I also get very anxious and frustrated with doing that stuff since I am not a drummer in any sense of the word. So realistically I have no idea what would sound good when I am building those tracks. So far all I know is that if the drums are slow and boring things seem to sound heavy to me. But I am trying to experiment with doing new things I've never done with this type of music. Since it is only going to be a drum track, bass guitar and vocals, I feel that I need to do a lot of stuff with the bass to keep it interesting. While still maintaining the stark and barren sound that I am going for. But once I get those drum tracks done I am hoping to buy a hand recorder this week and start recording shit. On the topic of recording and gloom music though, Dan from Have A Nice Life posted a link yesterday about his label Enemies List. He is trying to reformat his relationship with the label but needs some help over the next year to get things situated. (Balancing life, music,work etc.) That man, band and label have had a huge impact on my life and so I would like to encourage you to check out this link (http://enemieslist.net/nyr/2013/10/grow-up/) It's a little long, but if you read the whole thing it makes a lot of sense. He needs at least 400 people to make it work though. I get paid tomorrow so my ass is hopping on that shit like lumberjacks playing blackjack with flapjacks while carving jack-o-lanterns and using Jack Daniel's as lubrication for jacking-off.

Nice.

Best Edge Day ever.

On a more personal note, today is Edge Day, a straight edge holiday. It is an auspicious day that is vague in it's observances. It just happened to be the day that an annual hardcore music festival was happening once a year. It would have been a lot cooler if it was the celebration of the day that a beer baron was drowned by his own son but we were not fortunate enough to find that nugget of knowledge in the history books. But it is fun once a year to be reminded of what straight edge is or means to each and every one of us. I have discussed straight edge on this blog before, but this post is more about the nostalgia I feel on a day like today. It was early September of 2009 that I decided to become straight edge, and now it is 2013. A lot has changed in 4 short years, but that is a constant within the blizzard of vicissitude. I was an entirely different person 4 years ago, but I am grateful for my mistakes and lessons that I have learned. As Destiny's Child would say, "If I surround myself with positive things, I will find prosperity." Now that was a great 90's straight edge band right there. My positive things are not typical though: rainy days, fog, grey clouds blocking out the sun. That may sound like I am being a goofball but I honestly find comfort in the macabre. So I may not seem like the posi-est piper in the pickle pantry but as long as I am enveloped in darkness then I am a happy camper. And it's nice to have an understanding lady-friend who lets me be gloomy as fuck all the time. She gave me the LP of "Destroy The Machines" by Earth Crisis this morning. She initially got it for Christmas but it arrived yesterday and today just made way more sense. So that made my Edge Day super special. I hope yours are equally magical.

Remember Victory Records being cool?

"Straight edge - the discipline. The key to self liberation is abstinence from the destructive escapism of intoxication. I separate from the poison - a mindlessness I've always abhorred. Usage will only increase the pain, a truth I constantly see ignored. The pollutants that kill the body breed apathy within the mind. The substances that once brought release in the end will always confine."

Disney Damsels, Tune Lowe, Do You Like Fish Sticks?

If Bob Hoskin and Jason Alexander had a baby,
you would have my father. Good looking guy. 

Up and early this morning. I have to go to work in a little bit unfortunately. Eating those almond St. Claus cookies and black cherry Kool-Aid for breakfast. You know, those clovey windmill cookies? Instead of getting stale they get chewy, but in a good way not a weird way. Like when you realize you like that one thing that you thought was taboo? Like when I accepted my sexual attraction to Disney characters? It's just a good healthy feeling. Or Jessica Rabbit, remember Jessica Rabbit? I think she robbed me of my innocence by 8 years old. And I tell you this sailor, I didn't miss it. All my childhood dreams were washed away by sparkly dresses and strangled with red hair. Good times.

Merrrrrrrr...

Jacky Boy...

Speaking of smothering my virtues like a lobotomized Jack Nicholson, I think I have recently been doing grown up things. I have found myself going to the home improvement center known as Lowe's almost every other day lately. I find myself wandering the corridors of this coliseum of timber and iron in search of my sense of self. I find anything with an ergonomic handle and I just squeeze and caress anything that is calling out my name. I wonder if this is the undoing of a man, or if I am a dwarf star compressing vapors and dark matter of masculinity and the Lowe's home improvement center is my basilica of redemption. But another thing has happened to me twice there, I suddenly violently have to release my bowels out of no where. One minute I am deciding between what color handle I want for my lifetime warranty-hassle free-nickel bound-corrosion resistant nipple saw and the next minute I am limping to the back of the store screaming "CLEAR THE WAY!!!! CONKLIN COLOSTOMY ON THE MOVE!!!!!!" When I do finally reach the bathroom and purge the beast from my depths, I take a moment to look around. And I tell you what, they have some really nice bathrooms there. The floors are nicely tiled, the stalls are painted with colors that are gentle on the eyes, and the locks really make you feel secure. Security is important when you have your pants around your ankles. I love being hermetically sealed into any bathroom facility I am in. So I guess the point of this whole thing is to let you all know that if you are looking for a great bathroom, check out Lowe's. Good stuff.

"We call out the beasts of the sea to come 

forth and join us.This night is yours."

Now let's totally change the subject and talk about something that I have been thinking about for a while now: fish. Let's talk about the fish. Will someone talk to me about the fish huh? I think fish are fascinating. I have always had a desire to one day have a really nice aquarium and observe fish and have a little ecosystem going on in my place of living. But overtime, I have decided that I don't think that would be ethical to do. Let me tell you some shit about fish, for decades it was common thought that all fish had about a 3 second memory, that they do not have a nervous system and that being able to find the exact stream they were spawned was simply instinct. This is nothing but falsehoods and anthropocentric presumptions. By the early 90's, only about 6 scientific journals on fish had been published. Only a decade later and over 600 journals had been published within that time. Not only do they have a memory capacity that surpasses most mammals, they are able to build strong social standards within their school. They know who they can trust, who is mean, who is smart and who is selfish. Their sense of community and "greater good" far surpasses us mere humans. And it has been proven that fish have an intense and reactive nervous system equal to any other sentient being. So when I think about these things, and I look at an animal who's natural habitat is a vast endless ocean or river stuck in tiny fish tank, I can't help but imagine that they are in misery. And even if I built a tank the size of a house, it would still be nothing more but prison for my fish pals. So if you are reading this, I ask you to consider liberating your fish buddies. Trust me, they don't like it in there and they must have nothing but animosity for their apparent caretaker. They are beautiful and whimsical but some things just aren't meant for us. There is beauty and wonder in the unknown. Just imagine your fish friends swimming around freely in the oily, plastic bag infested waters of it's habitat. Boy oh boy will they dance and sing with gumdrop smiles in the extremely flammable carbonates and latex condom swamps. We should all be condemned. Good grief. 

Crow For Hire, The Goth Is Greener, Conklin Cream

I have been feeling restless lately. Each day just spills into the next one and I find myself just pushing myself through to my days off which end up whipping by primarily because I have to sleep 13 hours just to catch up from the rest of the week. Then I just repeat the whole process again. Today I basically start my work week again and I would rather dance in the rain. I wish someone kept some sort of garden in their basement and simultaneously has a very bad crow problem. So I could be a live scarecrow for a living. Does anyone grow things in their homes that they don't want to see the light of day? I am straight edge so your product would be safe with me. But I am also vegan so I like eating plants so buyer beware.

Maggot for life.

So I linger on, searching for meaning and fun. I have been playing Final Fantasy 9 a lot and feeling nostalgic about the good ole days. I was looking at my driver's license the other day and it still has the old address that I had when I lived with my brother on Alpine. We lived in a two bedroom apartment and it fucking ruled. We respected each other's space and just sort of did our own thing. I seriously miss the shit out of that. I was going to school full time and working 30 hours a week and yet I was pretty happy. I would just play video games, bass guitar and would occasionally do homework. I need to find a sustainable way to tour as often as I would like to. Every 3 months would be great especially if I eventually got a laptop and could find a dark corner right after I was done playing. I need to surround myself with reliable and like minded people and not bullshit myself or anyone else anymore. It is astounding how crushing working is, but not working also hinders my ability to do the things I want to do. It's a vicious cycle. It's never going to get any better. I HAVE NO CHOICE. I need money to make all this possible and that will forever hold me back. But I think I need to find my own penis showing game.

But hey fuck it, do it live! The one thing that I need to remind myself is that nothing is permanent. Even our lives end eventually (thank Kerry King.) If things really get bad enough I am hopeful that I will keep it Conklin and move on to other things. Whatever those other things may be who knows. Probably porn. Action packed porn. Like literally action. Machine guns and one liners aloft. "Remember when I said I'd felatio you last...I lied..." I was hoping that this summer would be full of wonder and whimsy, and perhaps it still will though things are not looking great. I will hopefully have some new gear by the end of May and maybe that will be the kick in the ass I need to Maggot Mosh all over this land of the lost. I notice I use the word "hope" or a variation of that word too often. There is no hope, God Hates Us All. Just wanted to clear that up. Things were looking a little to "bright tunnel-y" for this cowboy. Enjoy the rain everyone.