Pickles The Bummer, Dan and Thom Reunited By Fate, Seek The Unsought

My emotional state the last few days.

I have just begun pulling myself out of a recent funk. For some reason the last 4 or 5 days I have had a listless and anxious feeling at the same time. I can't exactly put my finger on what was bothering me. I was having strange dreams and a sense of dread followed me wherever I went. I am constantly having to remind myself to encourage my other hobbies and interests that aren't music. Such as reading books, working out or just doing things that I don't normally do. Overall I had a great sense of neurosis, which I have learned is a guiding light in my life. It is a connection to my unconscious; a missive that reminds me that my life is out of balance. I believe that my maladies have been laid to rest for now with a stirring of my cerebral semblance. My dejection stems from a relentless criticality that haunts and galvanizes me since as long as I can remember. Which is why I can never go to shows that I don't play at. I went to see This Will Destroy You last week and it was cool. But I would say that my despondency began the night of that show. I have a great sense of joy while watching the show but also a strong sense of sadness wishing I could be doing what they are doing. People have always told me I am fucking stupid for feeling that way and that I should just go see my friends bands and be supportive and blah blah blah fuck you no cheers. Which in principle I agree and I often times wish I could overcome my own hang ups and just go have fun. But then I remember that God hates us all and No Fun Not Ever.

Great record.

Thom and Dan interview in it's purest form.

Which speaking of No Fun Not Ever, I listened to "Deathconciousness" by Have A Nice Life and "Desideratum" by Planning for Burial at work today and I finally was able to listen to the maiden broadcast of the first Legrand Society podcast by Enemies List Home Recordings when I got home. Dan Barrett of Have A Nice Life interviews Thom Wasluck of Planning For Burial and it was a lot of fun to listen to. There was a few parts that really struck a harmony with me, the first one was when they were talking about sets going shitty and coming off the stage and being able to face the compliments of others. This is something I have struggled with a lot and I have had multiple people tell me that I need to cut it out. In summation they were basically saying that 9 times out of 10 most people never would notice if your set went badly, and that if they approach you after a show and say "Great set!" and you respond with "Fuck you shit-shark. Get some new fucking ears." You essentially do two things: You manipulate their perception and memory of your set even if they loved it, and you in essence are calling them a fucking idiot who has no taste. Which so far I would say that at least 1/3 of the people who talk to me after a show have no fucking clue what they just saw and are just sort of conforming to social norms. Which I still appreciate that they took the time to approach me and let me know it was cool to watch. But I don't sense that I had any genuine affect on their life in any real way. Which is very subjective and I have no way of knowing how piercing or temporal any interaction can be. But at the same time, I don't think I am behooving anyone by shitting on my own set. I should try to be more neutral about my emotions if a set did go shitty but it really is tough.

So true.

Now enough introspective reflection, I think it's time I just complain about some shit that bugged me the other day. I have been noticing a transference of people seeking wisdom from their peers in the form of anonymous messaging via Tumblr or some other social networking. The anonymous option when messaging people to me is a dangerous veil. Because to me, if I can't contact someone without hiding behind a shroud of anonymity then I probably shouldn't be saying what I am saying. That reveals that my tidings are venomous and abhorrent. Which I'm sure we have all seen posts like this and have been disturbed. But I am also really annoyed that I see people all the time asking other people anonymously about life advice or guidance. Which normally these people are trying to find affirmation from people they find attractive but from behind a creepy curtain and distant scope. And now these sages of modern times are completely oblivious and are the definition of narcissistic necessity. They have no concern for these people and their adulation is merely a rotting corpse at the foot of their throne of vanity. I know I am kind of flying off the handle and not making any sense anymore so I will just be blunt. If you need advice about something, don't ask some random fuck you don't even know and their ability to post selfies does not signify that they are any closer to self actualization than you. And to the false pontificating prophets of the interwebs, make like a tree and fuck off. Don't pretend that you care about these faceless few who reach out from the shadows to pine over you. You are not charming, you are not thoughtful, you are nothing special. Stay Gloomy.       

The German Himself Does Not Exist, He Is Becoming, He Is "Developing Himself"

I have been missing
Europe a lot lately.

Alright I just woke up from a nap so I am feeling pretty groggy and shitty. I am sipping on some coffee and listening to some noir-as-fuck jams right now so this post could go anywhere. I am quite languid at the moment so I am not sure if my typical bubbling rage will reach the surface or not but who knows. I am listening to the album "Sunset Mission" by this band called Bohren and Der Club of Gore. As you can imagine they are German and it is some of the best shit I have heard in a long time. Ambient jazz mixed with sultry soundscapes and avant-garde electronics. Watch out Scorpions, and hold onto your flame shooting cod pieces Rammstein, there's a new cowboy in town. Well, like 15 years ago they were new but still. Not the type of band I would expect to come out of Germany though. My experience with playing shows in Germany was a place of kindhearted natures and fellowship. Minus the fact that they didn't seem to grasp the concept of holding doors open for people. Everywhere else I went in Europe when I would be carrying an 80 pound cab most people (despite the language barrier) would sense that I would appreciate if they held the door open. I couldn't even get people to move out of the way in a crowded room I had to just gently barrel into them and they'd look at me like I was the asshole. Yeah in fact I would say I felt genuinely ignored the entire time I was in that country so fuck that kindhearted thing I said earlier. Now I am just mumbling about nothing though and should probably move on. ONWARD!

Bomb ass ambiance.

Coo...

I have had a much more placid repose as of late. As many of you know I am often times crushed by an asphyxiating sense of urgency to make my goals become realities. Primarily when it comes to my music and the distance I wish to go with my music. Yet often times I find myself picking up my bass and feeling arid and listless. Often times this is due to the demanding mental and physical strain of my job. If my co-workers weren't so coo I would probably be found in a psychiatric ward sobbing and eating my own excrement. To anyone reading this who ever buys food from anywhere, could you stop being such fucking shit-hammers? It's just food okay? Sure being hungry honks, but the sun will explode one day and your body will be torn asunder by a solar flare so intense that your eyes will become liquid mercury and you will choke where you stand as your lungs ignite like thermite as your chest cavity becomes another Hindenburg tragedy. You will be left nothing more that an ashen prodigality and none of this shit will matter anymore. Which if your anything like me that gives me great comfort and fills me with a sense of calm. But when I am not feeling these urgent and onerous sensations I have been taking great joy in the little things that life has to offer. I have been watching South Park a lot again lately which reconnects me with my teenage years. I have been doing a lot of research again for some new pedals I am interested in getting which gives me something to look forward to. And I have been gaming periodically still which always helps me escape the burdens of everyday life. 

Me 36 hours from now.

And on the subject of gaming, I have posted this a few times online already. But starting tomorrow night I will be gaming for 24 HOURS STRAIGHT with my brother as a charity event for Helen Devos Children's Hospital. I have almost reached my goal but if any of you would like to donate and help me close the gap I would greatly appreciate it. Feel free to DONATE HERE and any donation would be greatly appreciated. I am not as young as I once was and this is going to be quite a journey. My brother plans to stream our progress via Twitch.tv and I will be sure to post that tomorrow when we get all set up. Now that I have gotten my charitable bit out of the way, fuck everybody and God hates us all. Stay Gloomy.   

Borderlands: The Pre-Sequality, Punk Fucks, Putrid Pabulum

This is the character I have
been playing as "Nisha." She
is kind of a meany but her skill
tree is sick.

Allow me to take a moment to reach out and reconnect with the outside world. You see I have been battling Scav's on Elpis the moon of Pandora for the last couple of days. To any noobs out there, this means that the new Borderlands "The Pre Sequel" finally came out on Tuesday and I have been tending the nerd shrine beneath the radiance of my computer monitor ever since; stirring the effervescence of my loser lifeblood. It has been a welcome retreat as the horrific troll that is ArtPrize returns to it's yearly slumber. Overall I would say the game itself is quite solid with a lot of new contrivance to keep the game fresh and exciting while still remaining familiar and evocative. While being made in Australia I wasn't expecting the majority of voice over work to be done by Australian actresses and actors but they take amusing potshots at themselves and American idiosyncrasies. I especially appreciate the fun yet subtle expansion of social awareness within the game. For example, (mild SPOILER alert ahead,) one of the first female characters you meet turns out to prefer the company of woman for her romantic partners. And when something goes awry she will shout the gender neutral diction "Son of a Taint!" Omitting the misogynistic nomenclature we have all come to know and hate. They even tackle the act of "Friend Zoning" in one mission I was sent on by a muscular man who bleeds testosterone who was rejected by the earlier woman. But he calls himself out with socially aware dogma before anyone else even has a chance to correct him. It was refreshing to play such a fun game that is proud to wear it's ESRB rating of "M for MATURE" like a badge of honor while still using it as an opportunity to be tactful, perceptive, and socially enlightened. Who says you can't cover a psycho in acid, shoot him in the head and butt slam them to oblivion and still be empathetic?

We've all been there.

Yep.

On the subject of being socially aware and making efforts to alienate less people, I have had a mild gripe lately. As I'm sure you all know by now I pretty much hate everyone and everything and usually am drawn to the shitty side of people before I would ever accept them into my fold of friends. Which is why I have very few friends and I divorce myself from the ones I have so that I may remain gloom pure. But when I do make friendships or even fleeting interactions with strangers I cherish them deeply whether they know it or not. But what I would like to talk about briefly today is "community." I put that in quotations because what does that mean? Like anything it is a subjective concept that must be analyzed and questioned  to define it. But the first rule you learn in any philosophy class is that you can't play the subjective card. You can't let someone off the hook just because of their own individual perspectives they developed from their upbringing and environment. Otherwise Johnny McChrist-Told-Me-To-Do-It would be running around doing Kerry King knows what. Whatever it is it would most likely involve scripture, a case of Gatorade and a buck knife. But my most recent quarrel with community is that is seems that a lot of people use it as an excuse to actually repudiate and forsake people they feel are not worthy of "their" community. Which you know my maggot motto, "Fuck them all, fuck this world, fuck everything that you stand for." But alas these people hide behind a veil of acceptance as a way to sublimate their coven of vestal punk shitbags. I can't tell if it is that they are completely self-defeating or if subconsciously they actually enjoy ostracizing people while simultaneously being grandiose about their own dejected protagonist identity in the social story of our existence. Whichever it is, I could never understand the dichotomy of acting so affirming towards others while also shitting on everyone who doesn't think exactly the same way you do. I mean none of this matters since God Hates Us All but still, it's annoying.   

Fuck I'm hungry.

Lets end on a happy fun time magic sprinkle rainbow sunshine note today! Lets see here...hmm...Oh I heard that the Ebola thing is simmering down apparently. It's pretty crazy how much people panic over that stuff. Obviously it would really suck shit to have that happen to myself or someone I know or anyone for that matter. Well not anyone, I'll be honest if some Ebola got into the fitted hat distribution facility and every fucker who walks around with those stupid gold stickers on the brim of their hat would puke out their own larynx I would probably sleep better at night. It does blow my mind how scared people are about this shit when they don't think about the shit that they are exposed to every day. I won't go on a big vegan asshole statistic shootout but 8 of the 9 major pathogens that have killed people in the last few centuries, (especially since the Industrial Revolution,) have been directly correlated to animal husbandry and factory farming. You see that is what pisses me off, I don't even eat that bullshit and I could still be struck down by some super zoonotic disease that will melt my face and make me shit battery acid. I don't worry about this stuff though, I know Kerry King has a plan for all of us. If it is within his shredding wisdom to have me writhing in agony on my bathroom floor retching black bile then so be it. Thy will be done. Boy I really missed the mark on ending this on a happy note didn't I? Oh well, fuck it do it live. Stay Gloomy.    

Slay on wise one.

Asshole Association of Radical Piety, On The Juice, Regretful Reminiscence

Me at work.

I skipped last week for various reasons. The leading reason being that I had a really boring week and had nothing to talk about. You see my life is quite monotonous and I have been spending my days either slaying demons, slaying dragons or occasionally slaying demonic dragons. Or I am at work facing the yuppie invasion that is ArtPrize. Luckily there is only a few more days left and we can be safe once more until next harvest. I don't know what is worst, the young naive yuppie larva or the pious elderly arthropods who expelled the amniotic sac the yuppies breached in order to ruin my fucking day. These aren't the elders I grew up around, these people are the definition of privilege. They believe everything should be handed to them because of their AARP status, "The Grand Marshall of Bag Balm." I have always respected the wisdom of those older than me, but these are just the vacuous husks of the same boring shitty people we all despise today. The yuppies of today will be the arbitrary and mercurial pissants of tomorrow. All of my grandparents were industrious, loving and forgiving people who knew a lot about living simply and within our means. If I get one more seasoned woman ripping my head off because her hazelnut coffee is "Too hazelnutty" or another wretch of a man barking "If I don't get four quarters I will never come here again!" I will howl to the unforgiving sky and shot-put their broken bodies into the nearest bee hive. In the words of George Carlin, "Fuck these boomers, fuck these yuppies, and fuck everybody now that I think of it."

Necro-Baby and I at the gig.

In brighter news Ruined played with Jucifer last Monday and it went really fucking well. Sky and I were both a little nervous about playing at a new venue that is meant for "big boy" bands. We also weren't sure how well received we would be since it was going to be mostly a bar crowd. I have never liked playing bar shows and up to this point every bar show I had ever played went really shitty. But for those of you not familiar with the venue here in Grand Rapids called The Pyramid Scheme it is actually a cool joint. The biggest upside for me was that the venue is separate from the main bar area and you have to pay to get into the venue. The only reason this is cool is that it increases the likelihood that only people interested in music will be allowed in. So it keeps a lot of the shitasses who just want to sit and try and get laid our of the mix. There is still a small bar within the venue but for the most part anyone in the room is there to actually WATCH the bands play. As always though as soon as I grabbed my bass and got my game face on it all felt really natural and we sounded good and the set went really smooth. We ended the set with a cover of "Too Many Puppies" by Primus that I am pretty sure took everyone by surprise. Needless to say too Jucifer's set was fucking mind blowing. By that point I was getting extremely tired though since I am normally in bed by 9 o'clock cause I am a fucking loser. But I look forward to hopefully playing there again in the future.  

"Too many puppies are taught to heel."

Me everyday during
my early 20's.

In gloomy ass news I made the mistake of reflecting upon old memories and past miseries. Though my station in life is rooted in a more stable sense of emotional permanence, I can't help but have a sense of longing for mistakes I may have made or at least for never seeking resolution with certain people who perhaps held an important role in my past. I talk about this a lot; how some people are just shit-turds who will never change or listen to reason. And though we may seek sanctuary from having to face these people ever again, the fact remains that their impact still haunts us to this very day. We all have varying degrees that we almost seem to seek out discontentment and even are drawn to people who make us regret every interaction with them. Some people are completely fine with avoiding people who they know in their hearts and minds as being completely unstable and not worth interacting with. But for me, I still bubble beneath the surface now and then with the curiosity of wondering where people are and even wish I had handled things differently so we could at least be on speaking terms. But alas I know that most likely this will all fade into vapor and I will return to my daily thoughts of hatred and insecurity with the world around me. I only mention this as to give strength to others and to receive it back in kindness when facing my own personal demons. I don't have any wise words for those of you dealing with a similar internal struggle, all I can say is that my mind has a firm and rational hold on my current life. I have a clear vision of how I need to live my life and to whom I need to steer from to stay bound to tepid existence. But my soul's desires will always be enigmatic at best. A turbid maelstrom of faith and doubt. I must spend out my days seeking balance within the dichotomy of my spiritual wisdom. I know that this whole thing was vague, confusing and overall a waste of you time. But I just needed to express myself and I enjoy ranting from time to time. Anyways, forever and always. Stay Gloomy.