Subcutaneous Soliloquy, Sick From Shadows, Bass Ventura

This is how I felt.

For those who don't know I have been undergoing some minor procedures to rid myself of warts on my right fingers and palm. I got a wart on the inside of my right ring finger probably 5 or 6 years ago now. A second one showed up right next to it probably 3 or 4 years ago and then nothing else happened and I decided to ignore it. You know, like when you try and ignore the rabid panther that tries to remove your larynx every night. We've all been in that situation, and we've all had to spend hard cash on industrial strength panther repellent. That shit ain't cheap, and don't get me started on the vampires. What I've spent on cloves of garlic could have put my first illegitimate child through college. You're on your own Maggot Meier! Anywho, I ignored them for too long and they got mildly out of control. I started treatment late last year at a dermatologist office and I am almost done now but I still got about 8 injections today and then liquid nitrogen. Ever had a needle shoved into the pad of a calloused finger tip? Even a mosh warrior can be stricken down with a pain like that. Fuck that hurt.

But after the procedure I have to wait around for 30 minutes each time because there is a risk that I could go into shock and choke on my own tongue or some shit. While I was waiting for my seizure to make an appearance I was reading the book "Against Happiness" by Eric G. Wilson. I have mentioned this book and this author before in previous posts. I owe him a lot for my own mental stability and showing me that I am not such a fuck up for having morose inclinations or macabre strategies on how to live my life. But as I read I thought about the place I was and what people were doing there. A giant TV screen  relays mind altering information beneath the vapid phrases of "You're fine just the way you are! But you could always be better!" It was so strange being in an environment like that while reading that book. Most people who enter that building are trying to control their fate and their own decay. They fear insecurity above all else, which in itself contradicts the rhythm of life. Life is chaotic, fluid and furious. And the summation of the chapter was as Alan Watts said, "There is contradiction in wanting to be perfectly secure in a universe whose very nature is momentariness and fluidity." To let go and claw at the rivers edge is to live life to it's fullest! There is no happiness, only the perfect blending of the duality of nature. There is no joy without sorrow, no vivacious sun without a pockmarked moon. I stand firm behind the door of melancholy and push back at any breach of "happiness addiction." It is because of my disposition towards the dark side that I feel I have found my own emotional salvation and ethical evolution. Why do I choose to be vegan? Because I believe that relating with the suffering and cruelty of other sentient beings at every meal helps me grow as a kinder, and hopefully wiser human being. Does it change the world? No. Does it change my perception of the world? Absolutely. Why do I abstain from drugs and alcohol? Because they would confuse and distort my perceptions, and leave me with bogging depression, narcissistic jubilation or worst of all, numbing neutrality. This is not an ethos for all to live by, but these are the reflections of a man who hopes to reach self-actualization one day far beyond the horizon.

"I just want to be me. And when I can, I will."

Doing it live.

Now I am sorry that I hit you all with some deep ass shit in that last paragraph. So as I said about duality, let's balance all that serious shit with some more poo poo fart jokes or something. I do have some updates about Ruined like in every post I make. As of right now I am finishing up the split with Palm Hands entitled "Every Bit Of It Is Fake." The subject matter on my side of the split is apostasy, animal cruelty, suicide and Final Fantasy 9. My dear friend Monte of Palm Hands fame will be releasing this split with me next week Friday the 28th at The Waffle Haus and I am hoping to have my new bass guitar by then. I have a feeling it will be a pretty relaxed atmosphere and us gloom kids kind of took over so I hope the out of town screamo dudes will get down on some gloom with us. Otherwise, I have been listening to "Siamese Dream" by Smashing Pumpkins an insane amount lately. It's incredible how you can hear a record a million times and yet every now and then it just speaks to you from an entirely new place and a revolution of appreciation pours out from within us. Sorry guys I have been pensive as fuck lately but in a really positive way. Fuck it, do it live!