Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Disney Damsels, Tune Lowe, Do You Like Fish Sticks?

If Bob Hoskin and Jason Alexander had a baby,
you would have my father. Good looking guy. 
Up and early this morning. I have to go to work in a little bit unfortunately. Eating those almond St. Claus cookies and black cherry Kool-Aid for breakfast. You know, those clovey windmill cookies? Instead of getting stale they get chewy, but in a good way not a weird way. Like when you realize you like that one thing that you thought was taboo? Like when I accepted my sexual attraction to Disney characters? It's just a good healthy feeling. Or Jessica Rabbit, remember Jessica Rabbit? I think she robbed me of my innocence by 8 years old. And I tell you this sailor, I didn't miss it. All my childhood dreams were washed away by sparkly dresses and strangled with red hair. Good times.
Jacky Boy...
Speaking of smothering my virtues like a lobotomized Jack Nicholson, I think I have recently been doing grown up things. I have found myself going to the home improvement center known as Lowe's almost every other day lately. I find myself wandering the corridors of this coliseum of timber and iron in search of my sense of self. I find anything with an ergonomic handle and I just squeeze and caress anything that is calling out my name. I wonder if this is the undoing of a man, or if I am a dwarf star compressing vapors and dark matter of masculinity and the Lowe's home improvement center is my basilica of redemption. But another thing has happened to me twice there, I suddenly violently have to release my bowels out of no where. One minute I am deciding between what color handle I want for my lifetime warranty-hassle free-nickel bound-corrosion resistant nipple saw and the next minute I am limping to the back of the store screaming "CLEAR THE WAY!!!! CONKLIN COLOSTOMY ON THE MOVE!!!!!!" When I do finally reach the bathroom and purge the beast from my depths, I take a moment to look around. And I tell you what, they have some really nice bathrooms there. The floors are nicely tiled, the stalls are painted with colors that are gentle on the eyes, and the locks really make you feel secure. Security is important when you have your pants around your ankles. I love being hermetically sealed into any bathroom facility I am in. So I guess the point of this whole thing is to let you all know that if you are looking for a great bathroom, check out Lowe's. Good stuff.

"We call out the beasts of the sea to come 
forth and join us.This night is yours."

Now let's totally change the subject and talk about something that I have been thinking about for a while now: fish. Let's talk about the fish. Will someone talk to me about the fish huh? I think fish are fascinating. I have always had a desire to one day have a really nice aquarium and observe fish and have a little ecosystem going on in my place of living. But overtime, I have decided that I don't think that would be ethical to do. Let me tell you some shit about fish, for decades it was common thought that all fish had about a 3 second memory, that they do not have a nervous system and that being able to find the exact stream they were spawned was simply instinct. This is nothing but falsehoods and anthropocentric presumptions. By the early 90's, only about 6 scientific journals on fish had been published. Only a decade later and over 600 journals had been published within that time. Not only do they have a memory capacity that surpasses most mammals, they are able to build strong social standards within their school. They know who they can trust, who is mean, who is smart and who is selfish. Their sense of community and "greater good" far surpasses us mere humans. And it has been proven that fish have an intense and reactive nervous system equal to any other sentient being. So when I think about these things, and I look at an animal who's natural habitat is a vast endless ocean or river stuck in tiny fish tank, I can't help but imagine that they are in misery. And even if I built a tank the size of a house, it would still be nothing more but prison for my fish pals. So if you are reading this, I ask you to consider liberating your fish buddies. Trust me, they don't like it in there and they must have nothing but animosity for their apparent caretaker. They are beautiful and whimsical but some things just aren't meant for us. There is beauty and wonder in the unknown. Just imagine your fish friends swimming around freely in the oily, plastic bag infested waters of it's habitat. Boy oh boy will they dance and sing with gumdrop smiles in the extremely flammable carbonates and latex condom swamps. We should all be condemned. Good grief. 

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