Saturday, December 27, 2014

We Don't Need Roads, No Remorse, Stone Cold Prosperity

Whack attack. 
Been a little while since I have posted. Like many of you I was gored by the holiday mammoth and my carcass was flagellated mercilessly by it's bloodied, albeit jolly tusks. More than any other year this season was especially stressful. I only went out into the world of commerce once this year and it was more than I could bare. I consider myself a level 5 Road Warrior with a major in Smooth Criminology, but even my cantaloupe was getting cooked on the highways of inhumanity. I thought for sure I was going to have to fight off a mob with a tire iron in the Bed Bath and Beyond parking lot. They had eaten the foam dispensing lavender hand soap and were rabid from the demonic Christmas spirit possession. Luckily I tore a page out of the Doc Brown playbook and slammed it to 88 and got the fuck out of there. Shopping would be fine if it wasn't for all the people, and driving places, and carrying shit, and paying for shit I don't need with money I don't have. Oh that's right, shopping fucking honks. I got some cool stuff though and had fun opening gifts with my family/roomies/co-workers. I try to socialize at least once every solstice if I can.

Now let me rip right into a juicy little gripe I have. I always say that I won't rant, but I am almost certain that this will spiral into a bile inducing rage-gasm with an indefinite horizon of conclusion. So buckle up and go take a leak right now. That's right, I want you to strap yourself to your chair and then get up and evacuate your bladders. What is a bathroom break but an opportunity for innovation? I often times talk about what I believe to be the root to all the social problems we face in this world and specifically in this country. It's a simple thing that people seem to either overlook or willfully neglect. The subject of this portion is once again the topic of empathy. I am absolutely convinced that the majority of this country is absolutely bankrupt of any trace of empathy and are morally bereft. Let me lay out a personal example of what I'm talking about. This story is small and paltry compared to the things that many people have to face but here we go. "Twas the afternoon before Christmas, when all through my work. Not a yuppie was stirring, not even a jerk. The soups were in the steam table with care, in hopes that my shift would be fucking over soon there. Some stupid ass kids who'd been dropped on their heads, left shit everywhere and probably pooped in their beds. Their vapid mother had just registered to vote, but her cognition skills were a fucking joke. When out in the dining room arose such a clatter, a big fat fucking scumbag walked in and my heart sank like dark matter." Alright enough rhyming shit, I was working Christmas Eve and in walks Captain Fuckdrain and his big bag of bullshit. A preface though to this, at my work an 86 year old man comes in almost every day with his squeaky cane and buys a coffee and makes polite conversation with all of us there. So before General Shitsqueeze walked in this old man had already got his coffee and was sitting down. The scene is set for my big "humanity should burn" lecture that I was getting to. So Johnny McTurdchew walks up to the counter and wants to know about our soups with a fucking Bluetooth in his ear. I won't take you through every moment of our interaction, suffice to say every moment the thought of smashing his head with a panini grill became more and more enticing. The most important aspect of my story though is this; moments after Corporal Taintswallow and I begin our soup discussion the old man I told you about spills his hot coffee all over his table and himself. I quickly grab a few rags and run over to help him get the hot fucking coffee off of him especially since he can't even get up fast enough to avoid the coffee dripping from the table. So as I am helping him Colonel Cornhole screams, "HEY! I WAS TALKING TO YOU! WHAT'S IN THOSE SOUPS!" In case you are lost, this fucker was offended that I interrupted our soup conversation to help an old man covered in hot coffee. It was Christmas Eve, I was tired, I was cranky, and I was about to use a coffee covered table as an assault weapon. I wish I could tell you all that the Bluetooth Bandit is in the hospital right now, but unfortunately I kept my cool. When people talk to me about the goodness of humanity and the triumph of the human spirit I just can't reason with them. I have had far too many moments like the one described in my life. Animal liberation, human annihilation.


2015 better be this good.
Alright that was a long ass rant as expected and I don't believe anyone has read this far. If you have I will just end by saying that I have high expectations for the coming year and have set a lot of goals for myself. I turned 26 four days ago and I want to go on as many tours as possible this year, put out new music, work out a lot, read at least one book a month and just try and be a more well rounded individual. I'd encourage you all to do what you feel needs to be done over the next year to put you in a better place next winter. May the forces of evil become confused on their way to all your homes. Until then, stay gloomy. 

No comments:

Post a Comment