Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Crab Cornered, This Is The Nu Shit, Maggot Mason

I totally forgot about crabcore.
What a crime...
So I have been on the hunt for a decent replacement for my B.C. Warlock Bronze Series. It is a bronze because it came in 3rd at the National Shittiest Tone competition. But it did get the gold in Getting Knocked Out Of Tune and Maggot-iest Mosh Opener. So anyways I went to Guitar Center to browse through their selection of axes. To anyone who knows of this Bastille of Debasement, you will be able to relate to what I experienced. To my right was 3 employees talking about the difference between compression and the coagulation of dildo decibel dampening. To my left was Meatloaf's grandson playing metalcore rifffs like it was still 2004. "SCHUG!! SCHUG!! PINCH HARMONIC!! SCHUG!! SCHUG!! PENIS HARMONIC!! PEEN WAGGLE!!" But I did my best to cloak myself behind the satin sanctuary of my tattered Sunn o)) hoodie. I start to browse and picked up a B.C. Mockingbird and fiddled with it for a minute though I couldn't hear myself really over As I Lay Dying's greatest hits behind me. But then all fell silent, and I looked over and some force drew me away from the Maggot Master-Whip. I looked over at the used gear and found a baritone guitar. I had heard of a tremolo bass guitar before but hadn't thought about a baritone guitar before. But it was exactly what I was looking for. It's basically like if a bass and a guitar made coitus and had a Hell spawn breach the ovarian wall and it found it's way to my claws of hate. Unfortunately I did not have enough to buy it but maybe sometime soon. So please if you are reading this, don't buy that guitar. I want it. I think it'd be coo. I don't think anything is coo. So this is a big deal. Be coo. Speaking of coo, after metalcore fuck left he was replaced by "Dad Rock Guy Who Thinks He Can Shred But Fucks Up Every 5th Note But Plays Really Fucking Loud So You Would Think He Would Be Embarrassed But Doesn't Seem To Fucking Care And Thinks He Is Really Fucking Coo." Fuck that guy.

Wolves In The Throne Room is my shit. 
The reason I am interested in a guitar/gear is because my band Tristram has kicked it into 5th gear and we are hoping to be fucking shit up in a neighborhood near you. We have been working on a lot more material and I am shooting for a full length release sometime this summer. I basically have been listening to Wolves In The Throne Room and Deafheaven and have been trying to push myself to try new and interesting things. But also still maintain those simpler influences. I basically refuse to settle on this record. I am really sick of putting out mediocre material with mediocre recording quality. Go big or fuck off basically. Anyone interested in God death, hating humanity and Diablo references should keep an eye out for that shit. I forgot to mention that I was accosted by a religious guy at Guitar Center. He said he was looking for a bassist for his ministry band. If he'd been in the band Ministry I may have thought about it but it was obvious he was not. But he said, "If you're not a God Head then it might not be your gig." And I just looked at him, my eyes began to glow crimson red and he started puking blood. An employee ran over to help him but it was too late. He pulled the Guitar Center associate close and whispered, "God...*gasps* God...Hates...Us All..." Too bad he cherished ignorance and obedience above all else or he could have cast "arcane shield" when I used "magic missile"

Speaking of hating humanity, I saw a Juggalo on my way home. This is one of many sects of society that should be sterilized with airborne chemicals and hunted down in the night. This is why being a Maggot is so important. We are the only thing that stands between the Juggalo's and total Faygo annihilation. If you need to be reminded of this plague, please watch the documentary below. It is short, but reveals the darkness of the average American's psyche. Do not fool yourself, this is America. In one way or another, they will consume us all. If you are not a Maggot you do not have the tools nor the willpower to defeat them. Join us, we need all the help we can get.

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